Why can't I just be a normal fucking person? Why do I have to be so fucked up? I mean, there is never a day that goes by that I don't know and fully understand how fucked up I am but normally it's something that just stays simmering on the back burner of my mind. Then, I get into situations like this one. Situations that would perhaps be a little tricky and awkward for most guys but for me are absolutely TERRIFYING and fill my days and nights with angst, worry and turmoil. Then I can't keep my fucked-updidness stuffed away on the back burner anymore. It's stark, pathetic and ugly and it's right there in my face and I can't look away from it.
In the last few weeks I have probably spent more time with my neighbor and her kid than I have since they moved here. Partly because we were all snowed in for two days three weeks ago and then again for two days last week. So, we played around in the snow together for hours, we watched a couple of Star Wars movies together, the three of us had lunch together last Thursday, all fun stuff and it was a really good time.
Still, all the while I'm worrying that I may be sending her the wrong message. That message being that I'm potentially interested in her as more than a friend.
Then, last Thursday night, it happened. I had left my hat and gloves in her car that afternoon and texted her asking if I could come over there and get them. She said yeah and also mentioned that she had just put her son to bed and was about to watch a movie. Then, when I knocked on her door, she asked me if I wanted to come in and watch the movie with her.
I fumbled and stumbled through a couple of sentences about needing to go to bed soon because I had to wake up early. That actually was true but I wondered of it came out sounding like bullshit and wondered also if my panic was obvious to her.
I know what a lot of you are going to say. "She may have just wanted to watch a movie with you as a friend", and, "you are reading to much into it." Maybe, but, without going over my sexual history to much more than I already have here, I have had sex with three women in my adult life a combined total of less than 20 times. The first time I had sex with each one of them, it started with them inviting me to watch a movie alone with them. So, when a single woman asks a single man to watch a movie alone with her, I have learned to take that an almost sure sign she's doing so hoping it will lead to sex. In fact, my senses tell me that a single woman wouldn't invite a single guy to watch a movie alone with her if she wasn't trying to open the door for that, because if she wasn't, she would worry that doing so would be sending him the wrong message. I may be wrong, but that's what experience has taught me.
Now, I find out that this weekend the boy is again going out of town to see his father. She will be alone next door and I will be alone as I always am. (Minus my roommate, I mean.) I am terrified of getting that text or that call, inviting me to be alone with her, and having to decide what to do and how to handle it. What to say. What to do and say if we do wind up alone together and she does make a move. I am literally to the point of loosing sleep over it.
I am considering going to my parents house for the weekend to just take myself away from the situation. That would work but then I don't want to go out there this weekend because it will prevent me from doing some of the things I wanted to do. Also, I know that if my fears are founded, I can not keep dodging this forever. We live next door to each other in a duplex apartment home and will for at least the next six months. You can not exactly avoid your neighbor when you live in a duplex. One way or another, I am going to have to deal with this at some point it appears. Perhaps it's better that happens sooner rather than later but I just don't want to. I want to run away from it. I almost wish I had just moved out of here when I had the chance instead of finding a new roommate and staying. It's to late now though.
You weren't reading too much into it. "My kid's asleep, let's watch a movie together" is no less of a signal than "upstairs for some coffee."
Have you considered casually making reference to an out-of-town boyfriend? For serious. If you're ok being around her just to pass the time, and want all sexual potential to plummet to zero, play the gay.
Hi Matt. Unfortunately I've already managed to fuck that up. She knows my brother is gay and I have talked to her about how "I have absolutely no problem with it" and that "I am not homophobic." If I told her I was gay now it would be weird and would probably be obvious bullshit. Plus, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned to her that I have an ex girlfriend a few times. God, what the fuck was I thinking when I told her that? I guess things like that just come out in conversation sometimes though. Thanks for the suggestion anyway. Peace,
My thoughts are: You Aren't So Fucked Up! Look, you made friends with a neighbor, you've had some fun with her and her kid, and maybe she's interested in something more, maybe she's not. There's nothing abnormal about women being attracted to men, and if she's attracted to you, perhaps you are not as fucked up, awkward, and lame as you think you are.
In any case, you've made up your mind that you are not interested in anything more than friendship, so why not just tell her that? Yes, it might be awkward to do so, but that can't be any worse than the agony you seem to be in over this situation. If she's mature, she will appreciate your honesty. If she's not mature, she might cut off the friendship, but at least you'd have respected yourself by setting boundries on the relationship instead of being tormented by it.
I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Sarah McLachlan
Loc: settling in the USA again
Ken - the best policy is to be honest - not detailed - but honest. something like - "i think you are a wonderful person, but i have some issues that make it impossible for me to be in a relationship. i just need to get that on the table to relieve my anxiety - and to make sure you know that i that don't want to send the wrong signals." if you can't say it, then write it. you will both feel better and bring the agony to an end for you. just my thoughts. lee
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable." - Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"
I guess i'm going to echo the opinions of others. Upon reading your post, I immediately came to the same conclusion that Lee and Jude did, but they posted before I did, and more completely and eloquently than I could. So, "Ditto" I guess.
Ken - the best policy is to be honest - not detailed - but honest
i would agree with lee.
Originally Posted By: Jude
If she's mature, she will appreciate your honesty. If she's not mature, she might cut off the friendship, but at least you'd have respected yourself by setting boundaries.
i would also agree with jude. i might add, if she is "not mature", it is best to find that out early, before any real damage is done. this is your neighbour, after all, and are you prepared to move away if things get too complicated and uncomfortable?
Loc: Southeast USA
If you were your perfect self, no hang ups or fears, the 'undamaged you', would you want to let a casual move from friends to more than friends happen?
I see that as the fork in the road. What would you want, if you could get what you want?
And I also add, there is nothing wrong with having a woman that you both agree there is potential for fun, sex, and you get along. It isn't bad.
Reading her signals as a sex permissive signal would be correct in my book. Women love sex as much as guys, maybe more after they hit 35. Some get outright insatiable. Ironic how the sex drive peaks at different ages with men and women.
Can you laugh and joke with her? Joke with her that coming over to watch a movie is a signal for make out time in some cultures. Ease into the conversation with a laugh. She will be able to more clearly indicate her intentions.
If she seeks a playmate, let her know you had some past issues that you hope won't be a problem but may.
Most women love to feel like they are helping a man.
I would say to pray and meditate on what you want. What you fearlessly want.
If that isn't it, kindly drop hints that you are unavailable. You need alone time.
Best of luck facing yourself. It is the hardest thing for me to do. I have spent decades in denial and lying to myself. It can be scary.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.
Hi guys. Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. You guys have given me a lot to stew on and to consider. I really am struggling here, in so many ways with this. Not only struggling with what to do, but with who I am and with what this all entails. Struggling in some ways I find hard to put into words and in some ways that I don't even want to talk about here.
I will keep everyone updated if anything happens. Hopefully the weekend will pass without incident. I am still considering going to my parents house but I'm not sure. We'll see.
By the way, maybe if she makes a move or expresses that she is developing feelings, I should go with this speach....
HA! Just kidding, but it would be kind of hilarious. Peace,
I think the PeeWee speech would be great, but only if you dress in a similar suit and carry a bike horn! Let me know how it works for you, I may need it myself one day.
I am sorry this situation is causing you such angst. I am going to agree with the guys who say you are not "so fucked up". You really aren't. Befriending a neighbor is normal and should be safe.
Recognizing your boundaries is an act of maturity and respect on her part, and if you feel she is crossing those lines do as Lee suggested and gently but honestly say no without details. (This seems so easy when you say it, but actually I know from experience it is very difficult.)
I hope you find some resolution with this so that you may keep the friendship. My best and thinking of you.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.