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#460028 - 02/03/14 01:03 AM perspective changes, good or bad?
TR101 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 29
I hate this web site, or what it's done to me at least. it's changed how I think. since joining I think of myself as a victim of sexual abuse, not just a person that it happened to. it's not like i was healed before, (honestly I was probably living in denial at many levels), but I was happy. I hate how the abuse is a huge part of how I define myself now. it's always on my mind, and i can't get it out of my mind as easily as I could before.

But I keep coming back to the site. I think part of it is searching for fulfillment, part of it is that you here can understand me, and some of it's searching for answers. Besides, i don't think i can go back to how i felt before, so i'll muddle through till i find some semblance of healing (and i think my best hope for that is here).

On a somewhat related note, I recently received news that my brother is being "let off the hook", at least in the legal sense (the DA decided the bureaucratic mess isn't worth it, i guess). A month ago i would've been relieved by this news. but lately I've been downright angry with my brother (something I've felt as a result of being here). I realized that I am entitled to feel that way, and that i don't have to internalize or shut down my feelings. if i wouldn't have a year ago and instead disclosed today, I wouldn't be afraid to let my brother be prosecuted.

so I think it's pretty obvious that my perspectives have changed recently. and i'm conflicted about how i feel about these changes.
i hate that my CSA is suddenly the "lens" that i view all of my life through, but aren't I just being more honest with myself this way?
with my brother, on one hand I feel like a hateful monster for being as angry as I am, and on the other hand I realize that this is more fair to myself.

so i guess i'm curious what you guys think. are these changes good? are they healing?

#460032 - 02/03/14 01:40 AM Re: perspective changes, good or bad? [Re: TR101]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6361
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
thanks for sharing this incredibly honest self examination and appraisal.
that is, in and of itself, progress.

Originally Posted By: TR101
so i guess i'm curious what you guys think. are these changes good? are they healing?

yes and yes.

you are working your way through the "victim" stage and it is time to try out a new label... "survivor".
followed by "thriver" and thereafter "victor".

see you on the other side, brother.



#460053 - 02/03/14 10:11 AM Re: perspective changes, good or bad? [Re: TR101]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I can't put a good/bad "value" on it TR. I guess it's what you do (or don't do) with it.

fwiw, you've posted what I've been thinking but haven't expressed the past week. I hate this site. I hate the awareness. I hate living with it. I hate the lens, as you put it.

Even with many 24 hours in a couple 12-step programs, I wasn't prepared for this. And I've had a particularly rough week of despair the past week that may be lifting a little. I suppose the only "good" I can put to this is that I have company.

#460056 - 02/03/14 11:42 AM Re: perspective changes, good or bad? [Re: TR101]
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 382
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I came here because I had nowhere else to go, I'd already opened the Pandora box inside my head and there was simply no way of putting it all back, so do I hate this site, has it made me feel like this... No, my perps did that nearly 45 years ago, coming here helped me face what had happened, to understand why I was falling apart, my anger, addiction, self destruction, every time I logged on it was like rubbing an abrasive on an open wound, and boy was it painful, but over time and with the wisdom of others here who had travelled the path I was on the pain is less

#460126 - 02/04/14 09:34 PM Re: perspective changes, good or bad? [Re: TR101]
TR101 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 29
thanks for the responses, i appreciate them all.


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