Thansks for all the replies guys.
I wish I had that belief newground. Im still second guessing so many things. At the moment all I feel is shame and confusion. One good thing came through today, I told a friend about what happened. Not any details, just that it did happen. There were a moment of fear before and a little relief after.
We sound so alike victor-victim. I used to have very strong emotions as well and I guess that's why I sealed them in very tight. The spock alter ego is so on the money. That's exactly how I feel. It took me many years to perfect Mr Spock so I guess it might take a bit of work to break down the shell as well.
I'm happy for you pittsburgh, releasing the victim brand and empowering yourself. I do see your point and I will not give up either. I wish you luck on your journey as well.
That really makes sense justplainme. I figure it won't go away unless you reconnect it. Today I ordered some clothes that fit my alternate lifestyle. I have always tried to melt into the background and be more normal than normal people. Not daring to be who I feel I am. Clothes have always been a big shaming point for me and I think it is one step to feel at home with who I am. Not sure about you others but I kinda feel I have no identity at all.