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#459846 - 01/31/14 06:59 PM I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here.
Landscape Offline

Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 50
Loc: New York, NY
I've been reading the forums for a little while now, and just now got up the courage to join and say hello. I'm not ready to share my story, and I'm only just realizing how big the impact on my life has been.

I'm scared. I don't know where this path leads or even where I want it to go. I have a very supportive SO and a great T, and I think I need some friends along the way as well.

The way I've seen you all supporting each others' journeys gives me hope that there is some way through all this. So, I take another step.

#459847 - 01/31/14 07:03 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello Landscape and welcome,

When we begin to share our fears about the abuse, it is truly outside of our comfort zone. We have hid the abuse for so long, letting it go is terrifying. Soon it will be comfortable to share your story and the success of recovery, be safe and share as you can.

Welcome to this step of your recovery path,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#459851 - 01/31/14 09:06 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
I know you are scared. But even if you are scared you did something very couragus, you made your first step. Now you dont need to trust me in no way, but, if you want to trust me a bit I am going to tell you thing will go better bit by bit and peace by peace. Never forget even if we don't talk to eatch other you are the most beautiful person in this life.

Take care


#459852 - 01/31/14 09:55 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i am so glad you decided to join the conversation.

take it easy.
take it slow.
baby steps.

you have already taken a huge stride forward by ending your silence and speaking out.
that is something to celebrate.
congratulations, Landscape!
and welcome to online community.

may you never go back to silence again.

Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.
~ Omar Bradley
Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.
There can be no courage unless you're scared
~ Eddie Rickenbacker


#459857 - 01/31/14 11:14 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Scared is normal. You're about to face some pretty scary stuff, about what happened and what its done to you. Your post is right where you should be, at your own pace.

Be well,

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#459858 - 01/31/14 11:27 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3786

You have taken a brave step. We all understand the pain and confusion you have lived.

We have lived the abuse and understand the pain, the secret and fears. Disclosure is the way to let the shame and hurt go.

You need to feel safe, read and disclose at your comfort level. There is the chat room, the discussion board and private message another survivor. Take your time.

I am glad you have a therapist to guide you through and I hope you relationship is safe.

We all have fears and were scared to face the past. Welcome and I am sorry you must be here.


#459865 - 02/01/14 02:07 AM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Hi Landscape,

Welcome! I'm glad you found this site. I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me. Disclosing something like abuse is absolutely scary, even if it happened decades ago. All of us here definitely get that. With a supportive therapist and SO, I have no doubt the path you speak of will lead you in a good direction. There'll be the inevitable rough spots, but you'll learn a lot along the way.

One thing I learned right off the bat was that, as soon as I told my spouse that something had happened long ago, I was no longer running from it (or hiding from it.) Instead, I could take control of it and begin the process of dealing with it. This in itself was liberating beyond words. I hope your brave act of disclosing that something happened has the same effect.

Again, welcome.


#459871 - 02/01/14 04:11 AM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Hi Landscape,
It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm very sorry that the events of your life have brought you here, but please know that you've done the right thing by joining MS. You will find plenty of support here by other men who share your story. What you are feeling is typical, and might I say, normal. If you weren't a little scared, I would be curious as to why not. As terrifying and upsetting as it is to be scared, you have shown tremendous strength and courage by joining and composing a message. That right there show that are serious about healing and that you have what it takes to get better. You faced your fears and forged ahead and wrote. That right there is an indicator of how you will fare on your journey to a better life. It's okay that you don't know where you're headed. Each step you take will open up more options to you. Please take it at your pace, and don't open yourself up more than you're comfortable with. Your path will be shown to you in time. Enjoy your journey. You'll find a lot of support by the guys here to help you along the way.

Good luck


#459909 - 02/01/14 01:46 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Landscape Offline

Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 50
Loc: New York, NY
Thank you all for welcoming me here.

It was difficult to admit to myself that I needed help. Before I joined, I read many of your posts, and was familiar with your "names." I admired your insights and felt as if you were speaking for me, and sometimes to me.

When it was those whose names I recognized welcoming me, I was touched. You make the journey seem possible.

Thank you.

#459918 - 02/01/14 04:05 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Welcome Landscape: We have all had most if not all the feelings you are having. That is one thing that surprised me. I Was NOT alone other men have been thru a similar experience. Take you time an move ahead as you are readily. The bid point is we are all moving to a better place. I know I have. It takes work and a willingness, It sounds like you have both. Wish you the best in you journey.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#459928 - 02/01/14 04:47 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1279

Edited by Suwanee (02/21/16 06:59 PM)
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#460744 - 02/14/14 10:55 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey Landscape

I am sorry for reason be here, it is a heavy burden we bear. But many hands lighten the load, so we all share the burden together and and the task becomes a little easier.

I have not been around much In a while, so I feel a little in catch up mode.
So if you'll forgive the late welcome, I'd like to extend that welcome to you as well.

Keep well
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#462640 - 03/15/14 04:39 AM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
peacemaker67 Offline

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
Hi Landscape,

glad you took the step. You need to move forward as you feel things "fit". You will find your way...sounds like you already have a plan in mind.

Here if it seems you ever want to talk.

-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

#463483 - 03/31/14 05:06 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Thank you for coming in and sharing.

I hope you find your way here. It is a great resource and some very kind people.

It has helped me greatly.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#473413 - 12/11/14 11:41 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Landscape Offline

Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 50
Loc: New York, NY
It's been about a year since I started therapy and reading these forums. I haven't posted in a long while, but I read on here just about every day. I know how much it means to have someone respond to your post, and so I promise to contribute more than I have recently.

Things are better than they were a year ago, and when I look back I know I've made progress. There is still so much further to go. I'm still scared sometimes, and I'm still trying to find my way.

I guess I just want to say that I'm still here, and I really appreciate that you are all here with me, even though I haven't said it very often.
WoR, Guest House 2016

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear, I sentence you to be exposed before your peers."

#473416 - 12/12/14 12:48 AM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
JW1230 Offline

Registered: 09/13/14
Posts: 80
Loc: Ohio

I'm so glad that you are able to see progress and please know that I am glad that you are here for me as well. That's what it is all about! I too am scared a lot of the time, but not nearly as much as I once was. I am finally beginning to see that these tiny steps forward that I don't usually notice do add up over time.

Be well,

#473433 - 12/12/14 05:12 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1122
Loc: Southern US
Thanks, Landscape, for the reminder that this isn't a solo act.

The fear, guilt and all the other stuff that go along with CSA seem just a little lighter when they're shared with others who know and have experienced it. I sure don't wish this on anyone, but it's sort of comforting to know there are a whole lot of guys who've gone through it, survived, and are making progress.
Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#473490 - 12/13/14 11:07 PM Re: I'm here. I'm scared, but I'm here. [Re: Landscape]
Bardo Offline

Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 321
We are still here! I'm glad this year has shown you some progress. The great beauty of this site for me is the 24/7 presence of so many brothers. brothers who (unlike mine), will never let you down! Keep us posted on your progress, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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