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#424546 - 02/07/13 01:55 AM New here and to all of this...
ExLargeEggs Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 1
Loc: Michigan
I just want to start by saying that I am so grateful that I found this forum. I've spent two days reading through so many topics. There were so many times that I opened a post and it was almost like someone was reaching out to me and saying, "You're not alone. We've been there. You'll be okay." My tears haven't completely stopped, but feeling like I'm not alone has helped greatly. So, thank you for being here.

I guess I should share my story and my concerns. I'm sorry if it gets a bit lengthy, but I desperately need an outlet. I met my fiance and it was honestly love at first sight. We couldn't have been any closer. Everything seemed to match up so perfectly. He was my best friend from the first day I met him. One of the main things that attracted me to him was his openness and honesty, two qualities that I also have a lot of pride of in myself.

I've never been one to snoop when in a relationship, but I happened to come across some questionable websites on our laptop that related to younger men getting together with older men. I initially wrote it off as pop-ups, but then I started seeing more and more questionable things. There were e-mail accounts, chat logs, etc. and I knew it was intentional. I confronted my fiance that night. He admitted to everything and deleted all of his profiles in front of me immediately. I knew we had a lot to work through and I wasn't sure we would still be getting married. The next day, hours into yet another discussion about our future, he disclosed his CSA. I am the first person he has ever told. My heart absolutely broke when I saw how hard it was for him to tell me. He's always been my rock and seeing him cower in fear at his own words was very difficult. Soon after, I started researching and found that his behavior was not that far out of the ordinary. It doesn't stop the pain, but somehow it helps. He has agreed that he should see a therapist as soon as possible and would like us to go through couples therapy as well.

With all of that being said, I want help addressing some of my fears...

1. He allowed me to reactivate some of his accounts to read his e-mails/chat logs/etc. and I really wish I hadn't. Will I ever forget some of the things I read?? They haunt me when I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. Also, should I see his openness as a huge positive? He said he wants there to be no secrets in this healing process.

2. After disclosing everything and calming down, he seems to have a new and different bounce in his step. Even though things are still a little shaky, he keeps repeating how happy he is that he can finally move forward. I do not want to discourage him, but I'm also afraid what's going to happen once he realizes it's not going to be an easy ride.

3. We have a BDSM element to our relationship, with me being submissive to him. His e-mails and chat logs indicate that he may fantasize about being in opposite positions. We can work that out, I know. Should we put a halt on any role playing like that through the healing process?

4. Nothing within anything I read indicates that he ever met someone in person, however, I cannot stop being paranoid about where he is, what he is doing, who he is talking to, what's happening on the laptop. He has given me permission to "check in" whenever I want and actually encouraged me to keep tabs on what happens on the computer. I'm very tech savvy, so there's no hiding it from me (I'm almost positive). He said that it may even help to know that he can't even attempt to revert to old habits if he knows I'm checking in. I have a fear that this isn't healthy. Is it really trust if I'm watching over him like a parent? But at the same time, I feel an anxiety attack happening if he's even more than 5 minutes late coming home from work.

5. I've made it clear that I am not going to be co-dependent and be the one responsible for his recovery, but I just need to know. What can I do to help? I really wish I could just take away all the pain, but I know I can't. I'll catch him if he falls, but I'm not going to hold his hand the whole way.

Thanks for reading and once again, I am so thankful that this forum exists. I finally don't feel so alone for the first time in a week.

#424577 - 02/07/13 08:28 AM Re: New here and to all of this... [Re: ExLargeEggs]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
as a wife of a survivor i can answer question 1 pretty well. he wants you to know because if you then still understand him, he can come up with a little more trust towards you. he didnt lose you over something he assumed he would, but you stayed. thats a huge proof for him and for that he wants to trust you enough to let you look into his world a bit more. you should appreciate that. the plan with having no secrets in the healing process is the only one that will actually work. you are lucky he can trust you enough to do this.
to question 2: its normal that first there is some euphory and a huge relief after knowing he has told you the CSA but you stayed. he knows it wont be easy. the wish to heal comes from him, he got a shock being caught and really scared to lose you, thats the perfect combination for a survivor to take it seriously and try his best smile (they are kids inside, he has motivation and a good reason, wanting to stay with you, probably the only person he has ever felt some attachment to)
to question 3: yes you should. part of the healing is to get rid of the fantasy part and stay in reality. get rid of all the fantasy part for now. his fantasies are abuse results and you dont want abuse results in your sex life, and so deoesnt he. they are very contraproductive in healing, so dont. he needs to agree to that and stay honest. if anything unwanted pops into his head, he needs to stop, tell you and go on when its gone and dealt with.
4. your feelings are totally normal. you wouldnt be normal if you felt anything else. it will become less, but it wont fully go. thats a result of him having traumatized you thru his betrayal. you are now scared and this fact can end up in an addiction to a person, so do be careful. i would like to advice you a book:
5. thats a healthy plan, but its not easy to work out. you too need to realize the ride from your side wont be easy. when he is fully honest and until months of unwanted images are over, after stopping the fantasy and the dissociation part, then only you will get some sort of relief. but your guards will always be on!

he is lucky you aer there, you are talking sense adn you are a really understanding woman! in fact he is damn lucky. and he knows that. make sure he doesnt forget that.
but you are also lucky that he told you and he wants to change something about his life with you, for you and himself, because it coudl have gone much worse. believe me, it could have!

good luck!
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#459721 - 01/29/14 11:17 PM Re: New here and to all of this... [Re: ExLargeEggs]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi, I am not realy good at giving advise. I was abuse as a young child. I told my wife 6 years ago. Wen this happend it help me for the first time in my life to completely trust someone. After that i started to trust other adults.

I dont wnat to embaresse you but what he did was the fist step to is healing (to trust someone) Wen i told my wife she got real upset and vert angry at my abusers.

What i can understand is you found out by looking at is laptop. I hope i am right ? I think he wnated you to find out maybe it is a question you should ask him ?

As for you and i am saying this whit a open mind and love. You are scared i understand, the best thing i think to do is to tell him you are scared, like that you are doing two things. First you trust him anaught as to confine in him, second you let him try to support you.

See it is a big step he did forwarding what hapend to him. I will pray for you because i think you worth it. As for you to stay independent dont worried about it, I think you can trust your futur husban that he will manage to get a better life whit himself and whit you.

Take care, if you need help i am here.

Oh to finish yes it is a realy good idied to consult a therapist. Me and my wife did so because it was so painfull wen i opend up to her.


#459761 - 01/30/14 02:54 PM Re: New here and to all of this... [Re: ExLargeEggs]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
You know.

You stayed.


I would say that, if he is like me, he will remember more over time. And there may be some strange behavior associated with those new layers of the onion.

I had a few layers that brought out strange but temporary sexual oriented almost fetish type things. But I just tried to look at it and also ask why I was drawn by no willing reason. Things that just made me wonder why...? So I looked at it for a while and it faded. I also feel like I have remembered pieces of things I had blocked out that let me put it to rest.

In the end, it has been about seeing that I was like a sapling that was bent in funny ways and grew up a bit crooked. Over time I did grow more upright to the light. But I still see the old twists in the tree trunk.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#459765 - 01/30/14 03:17 PM Re: New here and to all of this... [Re: ExLargeEggs]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
a sincere and hearty welcome to you, ExLargeEggs

may you find what you seek here,
but more importantly,
may you find what you need.



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