Feels like another lifetime ago. It wasn't the first time I'd dissociated during something abusive, but it was the most severe at the time.

I'd done something wrong - said something about wanting to marry dad when I older, but don't even know if this event was the same day or the next after that. I was 6 or so. Dad was around the farm somewhere, but not in the room in the house. Two adult male family members were with me, and then there was a struggle & then a severe pain as something (object, not someone) entered me and being squeezed or prodded real hard down there as well and then

I was floating up in the room, couldn't even see myself down on the bed. I couldn't figure out what I was being punished for, what they were so angry and mean about, what I did wrong. I was just glad to be floating there and not feeling that. Then there were the images, first the Great Spirit figure who teared up, kind of like the advertisement against pollution with the Native American in it that was big back then. then there were about 6 or 7 other images - felt like they wanted to comfort me, but I just wanted them to get the two men to stop doing that to me.

Then it was over and I was in even more of a mental fog than usual after that.

Certainly not the clearest or most severe abuse experience memory, but the dissociation started a path of a lot of escapism. But, at least it allowed me to keep my mental distance, not identify with those abusers - made letting go of them much easier later on after processing some things as an adult.

This coming summer, it will 20 years since I first told a therapist about that. I'm grateful for the lengthy time I've had to heal from it and the aftermath.