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#459448 - 01/26/14 09:33 PM A Compassionate Wife?
Cal20012 Offline

Registered: 08/25/12
Posts: 6
1) are there examples of men here where their spouse (or girlfriend) knows of the men's conflicting feelings w/ SSA?

2) are there examples where the wife (or girlfriend) was compassionate, understanding and supportive
- this is less about some fantasy "free pass" to explore
- this is all about just basic intimacy and the freedom for the man to share his feelings w/out being cut-off in mid-sentence, shamed or scorned or worse

3) i feel terrified (not necessarily ashamed) when those body memories and attractions hit me.
- terrified in a "little boy" perspective of the conflict of
* the body excitement & learning to perform well vs
* knowing i had to keep the secret
- terrified of losing my wife and family
- terrified of reaction of others (bc i should've know better)
- terrified of hurting people i love

4) i feel confused very vulnerable; its an unsolvable puzzle
- knowing the SSA feelings usually happen when i am under stress and feel helpless
- knowing that when i am happy and feel safe, i LOVE being w/ my wife & sex w/ her is intimate and fun
- knowing that i never go around considering the men i see in everyday life
- knowing that i am scared of men and have no male friends in real life.

5) mostly i am tired and very sad about having to carry this all by myself,
- my wife gets grossed out and so angry (towards abuser & church, not me)
- that i make the choice to keep almost all of my feelings to myself.
- having the freedom to share (w/out backlash) my fears and concerns seems like yet another thing i don't get to experience.

6) i totally understand that this subject would raise a lot of fears and reactions in a spouse,
- but i have not cheated on her and i don't even want to cheat
- i don't have any strong urges to do anything in real life to fight against when the SSA memories and thoughts occur
- in fact i guess the whole point is i wish i didn't have to hide my feelings of being confused and scared.

7) maybe this is bc i am facing a career layoff and i have to interview for
- doing the same work which at times is triggering for me (with a new company) vs.
- step into the great unknown and try for another job which makes less money, but might be more agreeable with me
- and so i feel torn and helpless; having to make a career choice between something i know, but don't like and something i don't know, but might like

8) no matter where i may be on the kinsey scale at any given time, i still have debts to pay while trying to eeek out some joy in life.
- regardless of what would happen in my mind or in a real life bedroom, i am responsible for debts, and for my family's wellbeing
- so sometimes the SSA thing seems irrelevant and stupid bc it feels like earning money to pay debts & keeping a roof over our heads, matters way, way more

9) i just wish I could share what is going on in my body, heart & mind;
- and my wife could understand and support me the way i support her when she is upset.
- i compassionately listen and accept her for wherever she's at.

10) i go months between visits to this site bc
- i don't have a lot of private time
- sometimes i get the shakes coming here bc
- it makes me have to acknowledge that i was hurt and
- i need help w/ healing from some overwhelming feelings
- yes, i'm in therapy

Edited by Cal20012 (01/27/14 12:36 AM)

#459449 - 01/26/14 09:38 PM Re: A Compassionate Wife? [Re: Cal20012]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
my wife is a saint.
and she knows everything about me...

i have no idea why she has stayed with me for 30 years.
it must be love.

i have been blessed.

but i gotta tell ya, she is also a brutally honest and blunt person,
and does not put up with any bullsh!t from me or anyone else.
words are her weapon of choice, but she can devastate me with a look or the tone of her voice.
i have received a few stitches and scars from ignoring her warning signals.

she is at least a foot shorter than i am, but cannot be intimidated, dominated or manipulated by me.

it can get frustrating at times, but it is exactly what i need to make me behave.


#459491 - 01/27/14 07:09 AM Re: A Compassionate Wife? [Re: Cal20012]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Trust is huge

Disclosure is A leap you can't retreat from, the genie holds great power.

Try some test balloons, see what happens. A wise T told me, that you have to share something vulnerable. If she acknowledges it without judgement and does not later use it as ammunition against you, then you are free to reveal more as you are ready.

The freer you are to talk about pressures, the less pressure there will be.

I wish you well.

Edited by 1lifenow (01/27/14 05:55 PM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#459747 - 01/30/14 06:19 AM Re: A Compassionate Wife? [Re: Cal20012]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear Cal,

My take on the SSA is that all men are capable of having a wide range of different sexual feelings and attractions. But part of our burden as men is to not let our little heads do all the thinking for us. Our big heads have to be where we make decisions about what feelings we are going to act upon. I say this as a guy who has not done too well in this area, and am hoping others can learn from my mistakes.

As far as telling spouses about SSA, and/or about any acting out there-in, I would be very careful. You are probably the best judge of how she would react. But ask yourself what is your motive. Are you seeking to "clease" yourself by confessing, even if the cost is her feeling hurt and betrayed? Take it slow and think it through man. You'll be okay no matter what.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan


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