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#459379 - 01/25/14 07:50 PM In Danger of Acting Out
Harvey Dent Offline

Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
I have never "acted out". I have never engaged in risky behavior such as finding sex on the internet, one night stands, or engaging a prostitute.

Over the last several days, I have come closer & closer to acting out in one of those ways. Why?

My home life is in turmoil due to things completely unrelated to my CSA. My wife is recovering from Acute Hepatic Toxicity due to some over the counter supplements and cannot engage any of my needs or desires. Prior to that event, we had some house guests living with us (friends of hers who had no home because of the economy). Prior to that, she had had a miscarriage. Before that, she was perpetually sick due to the pregnancy. Before that, she was always stressed out from work.

So, in the 7 months we have been married, our home life has been nothing short of chaotic. We have had sex 22 times in the first 7 months of our marriage. Before our marriage, we did not engage in sex due to our mutual religious backgrounds.



All I do is give, and I don't resent her for that. I wanted to establish that. I don't. Neither of us could have acted differently in each of the chaotic circumstances. But I am so hungry for feminine affection that it is driving me nuts. My pornography viewing has increased dramatically (from very seldom to several hours a day). And instead of it helping, it is making me hungrier.

A few weeks ago i came to the realization that I was addicted to femininity--which originally struck me as very odd. As a cis-heteromale, It's the equivalent of saying that I am addicted to oxygen. It's part of my make up, so how can I be addicted to it? Well, imagine if instead of just breathing the oxygen around me, I insisted upon carrying around a bottle of compressed 100% oxygen and I took a hit to induce euphoria every few minutes, or when I got stressed out, etc. That's what femininity is like for me. I need it (in a very real psychological & spiritual way that is healthy and normal. And then again I need it.

I need it in the same way that I needed vicodin when I was a pill-head...I become very grumpy, angry, and extremely unhappy without it. And I am prone to seek it out.

During my wife & I's courtship, she was all the femininity I needed. During the first two months of our marriage, she was all the femininity I needed.

Then she got pregnant and I was deprived of my "fix". And then she miscarried--so still no fix. Houseguests? The inner-junkie started screaming for a fix. Liver toxicity with 3 hospital stays?

The junkie, Two-Face, is in danger of taking over. And I DO NOT WANT THIS.

However, I do. I want it. I want it more than I want to be true to the promises I've made, more than I want to retain my integrity, more than I want anything else at all. And I simply cannot get what I need from the one person who is supposed to give it to me. And accordign to the doctor, it will be six months until my wife's life altering symptoms go away.

So, here I am at starbucks, sipping my coffee and fighting the desire to go to the strip club or happy-ending masseuse...


--Harvey Dent
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story:

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

#459384 - 01/25/14 10:01 PM Re: In Danger of Acting Out [Re: Harvey Dent]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

This was painful to read. And I know the agonizing pull to "act out" if it seems there are no alternatives. My wife was miserably sick for a whole pregnancy, and then with recovery time, we had utterly no physical intimacy whatsoever for 14 months. Like, not even her hand on my birthday.

All I can say is, if she was once able to meet your needs but then had acute health crises (up to the point of repeated hospitalizations) then you should try to avoid despair and viewing this as "the end." Apparently it is a real "thing" for women to go a year without sex of any kind due to pregnancies - Dan Savage says he gets that letter a lot from readers. She is in urgent distress and you do have to give her a chance to heal from the liver disorder.

In the meanwhile, I personally would say you have free license to indulge in any fantasies / pornography you need to keep you sane and faithful. My T is a woman and she said as far as she is concerned, ONLY physical contact with another person counts as cheating, and anything that's a lesser form if communication is just porn. It's the Internet... there are a lot more options and safer than leaping into a stranger's arms.

I hope I'm not failing to live up to some mod ideal by saying that, but I have been through this agony and it played a major role in my total nervous collapse that put everything at risk. I would hate to see someone else suffer when there are alternatives. I personally believe it is very important to draw an honest distinction between "sex addiction" and a very high libido driven into frenzy by give or take a YEAR of denial. A drowning man held underwater is not addicted to the air he craves and it can feel as bad to be denied it.

Given the acute and focused cause of the sex famine, plus the immense variety of audiovisual options available online, plus the fact that even most wives would agree that strip clubs aren't cheating.... and, at the risk of being crass, also given the fact that you can "finish" in the same amount of time by yourself and afterwards wouldn't have to deal with the worries and guilt of having actually involved another person... I would strongly suggest you just expand your imaginative / fantasy interactive options without actually physically cheating. Your wife should be getting back to normal soon I hope and deserves your support in doing so. She also likely feels unsexy, scared, and sad over the miscarriage. Make sure she gets the help she needs - from you and other resources if necessary. And when she's ready for you again you can go back in with a "clean slate."

Oh and don't let anybody shame you for using porn if your normal sex life has been deactivated. Not anybody - and that includes your wife too. You understand some things, she has to understand things too.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#459419 - 01/26/14 06:11 AM Re: In Danger of Acting Out [Re: Harvey Dent]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south

Your post exposes your pain and confusion. I am going to second what matt advised. Don't reach out for another person to physically make you feel better. It really is not worth the inner shame and guilt it will bring. And make no doubt, it will just complicate your healing.

Make use of the tools available and as he said, don't let anyone denigrate you for making the choice of using visuals and your imagination to get you through until your wife is well again. It's as natural as eating.

If you are screaming inside that you do not want this, and that is what you said in BOLD font, then you really don't want this! Avoid it all costs. Don't tease yourself with on-line conversations, stay away from any and all "hook-up" sites…and there seems to be a ton…and if you have done so and communication is returning, delete it before you read it!

I wish you well. (and my condolences on the miscarriage- that's very difficult for you as well.)

For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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