Newest Members
meekness, jake1985, cactus8, Neil Benesh, blazzeee
13532 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyrus (47), Dupe1978 (39), James_Is_Talking (39), K-man (61), LordShiningStarr (39), ricky (54), Shawn Hope (32), teresa (45), Warner82 (35)
Who's Online
2 registered (SDD757, BDD), 65 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,532 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,391 Topics
491,574 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#459327 - 01/24/14 07:09 PM Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World?

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
CSA is a complex and dividing issue for so many. It can unite families when they stand behind the victim or it can divide the victim from family and friends.

I was chatting with someone from California who I knew and became reacquainted on another CSA site. He brought me up to date on what he and others had heard of my CSA, very interesting and missing many facts. But not important.

He is grappling with coming to terms with the loss of a brother years ago who suffered CSA at a young age. He and his family dismissed the abuse and the acting out of the brother throughout his life. The brother died years ago as a lost and struggling man, self-destructing. Now the son of the brother who died is educating them on CSA and its effects. He and family members are now ridden with guilt and shame as they learn what CSA is and does. They treated him poorly and excluded him from the family.

But now as they face the truth of CSA, it is uniting the family but sadness surrounds because they cannot say we are sorry or invite him to Christmas dinner. They are uniting as a family and want to do some good for other victims so his brother did not die in vain.

He asked, why do we let CSA divide the victim from family and friends to cause more pain? I did not respond. I said I would need to think about it. It would seem it should unite people to aid the victim/survivor regain their life, but it does not always seem to work that way. Any thoughts

#459331 - 01/24/14 07:43 PM Re: Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World? [Re: KMCINVA]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
It rings a bell, KW.

My father was abusive to my three siblings and me. I don't know if he sexually assaulted the two eldest siblings, my brothers, but he assaulted my sister and I at the same time.

As adults, my eldest brother moved half a continent away, symbolic of his inclination to hide, deny, and ignore things. I sought therapy and worked on myself spiritually and in physical fitness.

My sister and the second brother chose revenge which, in the end, consumed them with hate, rage and fear. It led to my sister's early death and my brother living a lonely life with an arrest record for physically assaulting family members.

In retrospect of what I've experienced and witnessed, I believe it all boils down to people's inability to cope.

#459349 - 01/25/14 04:29 AM Re: Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World? [Re: KMCINVA]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Families often have unspoken "rules" about how members conduct themselves, and relate to one another. In healthy families, they include things like "respect", "caring", and "support".

In dysfunctional families, the rules usually include "we don't talk about that", and "everythings always fine with us".

When a crisis arises, a healthy family pulls together and rallies for the member in distress. A dysfunctional family hides, denies, and ostracizes the member who has "broken" the rules.

I was the rule breaker in my family of origen. Getting me help was never considered. I was thrown under the bus for the sake of preserving their family "system". Not a great way to grow up.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#459360 - 01/25/14 12:14 PM Re: Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World? [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Jude
Families often have unspoken "rules" about how members conduct themselves, and relate to one another. In healthy families, they include things like "respect", "caring", and "support".

In dysfunctional families, the rules usually include "we don't talk about that", and "everythings always fine with us".


As far as the world outside the family, I'd say the main thing that divides the victim from the world is the world not understanding the nature of CSA and most people not wanting to hear about it. Sure, you hear abuse stories on the news and see survivors go on the Oprah show to retell their harrowing tales but, the reality is, in people's actual lives, when the TV is off, no one wants to hear about it or know about it. Not because they don't care but because it makes them uncomfortable. A CSA disclosure from someone you actually know is "to real" for most people. So, most people just want to sweep it under the carpet, which is exactly what the average CSA survivor does to comply.

Also, I think part of it may be that most CSA survivors have stories that they are afraid don't live up to the harrowing details of an abuse story you may hear on the news or the Oprah show. If they weren't violently raped and tortured by a ring of child pornography producing pedophiles, they are afraid of sharing their story at risk of having their story minimized, invalidated or dismissed by others. In my experience and in the experience of many others I have spoken to here, it is not an unrealistic fear. In fact, it happens all the time. It goes back to people in general not understanding the nature of how most CSA happens and for some reason, not wanting to. Peace,


#459432 - 01/26/14 02:36 PM Re: Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World? [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
Thank you. Last night I was at dinner with friends from the first college I attended. Strangely my unintended posting of my CSA on a site I thought was private but ended up on my Facebook page brought people I was friendly with over the years back into my life and have been supportive--from my hometown, to the two colleges to California. It gave hope and support I had crossed paths with kind and compassionate people and some of those around me were not representative of human kind.

Anyway we spent hours talking. One of my friend's wife is a neurologist and she asked me how the medical profession treated me--I said I was fortunate the neurologists at the hospitals and psychiatrists were all understanding and able to explain what I was experiencing. They made me feel valuable and not as though I was going out of my mind. I said my therapist has made me feel safe. I did say, doctors, nurses including psychiatrists who did not understand CSA made me feel devalued and questioning myself. She said she understood. She said those that specialize in a particular medical specialty, be it the heart,lungs, brain and psychiatry--adolescents, sexual abuse, trauma--understand the complexities of each organ, the blood and the mind and do not opine on areas outside their specialty. She said generalist know a little about a lot and have difficulties in showing compassion for what they do not know. She said a little knowledge can be dangerous and can hurt those inflicted.

It made me think of this question of why CSA victims are divided from the world--even within the medical profession CSA is misunderstood and there are those who believe dissociation to PTSD to addictions to loss of self and value from CSA does not occur Victims who receive this message can become isolated and retreat into their own world, not always a safe world, believing they are going crazy or there is something wrong with them So it is not only the dysfunction of family and people but there is dysfunction within the medical profession. So how can a shattered mind heal and integrate into the world with so much misunderstanding and hurt. Sadly family and friends speak to the generalist and take their words and advise, even though many times it is erroneous and damaging.

It is a serious deficiency in this world when people deny CSA, the effects of CSA and the damage done. More education and openness of this horrific act must occur. But if highly educated people in the medical profession cannot understand how can we expect the masses to understand.

The discussion continued and there was a genuine interest in how I was doing and the type of help I was receiving. We also talked of the obstacles, triggers and negative actions that I encountered.

The world needs to be educated and minds need to opened up and those that do not fully understand should not be giving advise on how the victim feels or acts. It divides the victim from the world.

#459439 - 01/26/14 07:05 PM Re: Why Does CSA Divide the Victim from the World? [Re: KMCINVA]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2842
Child sexual abuse is a dividing experience. For most of us, I suspect, it divides us from who we were, from who we were supposed to be. The real division was that amputation from our childhoods that we experienced as entered the weird, nasty worlds of our molesters. How can anyone who is so completely divided within himself possibly expect that division not to echo in some significant way through other relationships as well?


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.