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#459286 - 01/23/14 07:16 PM the feel of hands (TRIGGERS)
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
the feel of hands

first it was my mother's hands,
natural and unnoticed,
comforting, soothing,
soon to disappear.

next the step-dad's hands,
dark and large and hard,
determined and methodical,
merciless and ungentle,
forceful and insistent,
strong and inescapable.

poking, prodding, probing,
pulling, pinching, pushing,
pressing, stroking.

a claw-like thumb,
fingers blunt and inflexible,
spade-shaped nails too wide
for the tips,
a vise-like clench.

then smaller hands, boy hands,
like mine - but greedy,
grimy and rough from
playing sports outside.
vying for a touch,
grabbing, squeezing,
teasing.

once - holding Sid's hand in mine,
smaller, warm and dry,
after our "initiation,"
walking together away from the fire,
glad to have someone who understands
without explaining.

and then the stranger's hands -
quick and deft,
smooth, light, and firm,
cool and slick and sly.
sliding, capturing, holding,
manipulating,
urging.

no more hands!
is it any wonder
i wear an invisible sign:
DO NOT TOUCH!

but her hands broke the bars
that held me prisoner,
gentle, undemanding,
unaware of all the other hands
that had touched me before,
erased the stains,
and made me feel
new and right.

i love the feel of her hands.

lee
01-23-14
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#459294 - 01/23/14 09:13 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
newground Offline

Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1091
Loc: michigan
powerful words man
I understand
so glad you found that good touch
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#459353 - 01/24/14 11:54 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 487
Loc: Ohio
Great poem. Thanks for posting.

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#459535 - 01/27/14 06:03 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 376
Loc: Western Europe
Really thinking about taking some body therapy, since i happen to deal with exactly the same..
i am actually terrified when someone touches me.. on a deep and almost unconscious way..

This could be the extra push i need to really try new therapy. Thank you lee!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#459555 - 01/27/14 09:24 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
OCN - that might be productive for you.
we took it slowly and gently - under our T's guidance.
it was open-ended with no expectations for a particular outcome or timeframe.
i could give signals to go ahead, slow down or stop at any time when i felt safe or not.
eventually, i was able to give more specific verbal communication about what i liked and did not like.

the poem is a very condensed version - it took time and practice before the happy ending. poetic license for the sake of contrast with the other episodes.

i wish you well,
Lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#459558 - 01/27/14 10:02 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 634
Loc: where the shadows lie
this is really beautiful.
_________________________
I will always be your champion
I will always tear the monsters from you

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#459637 - 01/28/14 10:02 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 324
wow
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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