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#458795 - 01/17/14 12:44 PM Privacy and Disclosure

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3817
I have seen a few posts about privacy and disclosure lately. I believe it is so important to respect the confidentiality of victims and supporters. Not everyone wants or is ready to share with the world or others their story of CSA. There are people who do not understand CSA and its effects and their comments are hurtful, spiteful and full of half truths. Unnecessary sharing with them, could set the victim back.

For me I never disclose the name of anyone I have confided in or those who have shared with me. A year ago, in error, I disclosed my abuse on a Facebook site that I thought was closed/private--I was wrong and it appeared on my timeline. When I realized this, it was too late. The responses were overwhelming positive. I must say my privacy has been respected but recently learned there is some hurtful information out there.

Recently from one of the private/closed sites for CSA I heard from someone I knew in California. His story dealt with his brother's abuse. I never knew the brother who died 20 plus years ago--He is going through a difficult time now, having learned the realities of what the victim suffers from a nephew. The nephew only learned of the abuse a few years ago and was angry to learn because he thought his father died recklessly and was "crazy". The nephew then decided to take his medical studies to psychiatry. Now he is educating the family on trauma,the effects of CSA and how it affected the brother. The person I know said he and several family members are feeling guilt on how they treated the brother and feel responsible that they contributed to his death and were not there for him. I also learned he heard about my abuse and what supposedly happened--what he heard was far from the truth. He was happy I shared with him my story and what I have lived. He was understanding He said he better understands what it appears to be is not the reality of CSA, thanks to his nephew. What he heard about me was so different and hurtful then what actually happened and the medical reports. I guess someone did not respect my privacy but people's paths seem to cross in so many places in this techno world or possibly someone who fears the truth about CSA. I realize I cannot control others and how they wish to spin my CSA. I only know what I have lived and what they think shows their closed minded spiteful life. No time for negative people.

I am stronger now and could care less. But I know I would have been devastated if this had happened in my earlier stages of healing. So I am a strong believer in respecting the identity of victims and supporters.

#458812 - 01/17/14 05:06 PM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: KMCINVA]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
A perfect post, KM... perfectly stated. It deserves its own place to be read by all of us here.

#458814 - 01/17/14 05:19 PM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: KMCINVA]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1311

I've struggled with balancing disclosure while maintaining privacy. I think both can be helpful tools for survivors, but they have to be used judiciously.I disclosed to my wife and parents, but I also told a good and longtime friend from childhood.

As a survivor, I sometimes want to share my progress. As KM says, that can be perilous. Even if received support and other positive commentary, I would always fear that others would view me differently---with pity or even with suspicion.

One other person outside my circle knows---a fellow victim of the same perp and that is a case of "Mutually Assured Discretion." In other words, "it" didn't happen.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#458883 - 01/18/14 04:48 PM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3817

I agree with you. Privacy is of utmost importance. Disclosure should belong to the survivor and not others. When I look back and heard the disparaging, false and half truths from others that others said about me, I remember feeling trapped and being pushed back. People who do not understand and do not have compassion or understanding should keep their mouths shut because the damage they do can be detrimental or even fatal to the victim/survivor. However, there are many with anger, hate and evil in their hearts and a mind so tightly closed. We cannot stop these people, but we can support each other and counter balance these negative emotions.

I also ask that those who do not understand CSA, learn or do not speak ill of the victim and what they are living. This person could be your son, daughter, brother, sister, father, mother or a friend. Do you want to be responsible for harming or destroying a human being?

My T, doctor and a psychiatrist who befriended me when we met at a series of meetings on CSA, all warn me to stay away from people who disclose my CSA in a harmful and destructive manner or react to me with abandonment and inflict acts to re-traumatize me. It has taken me a long time to get here and accept they are right. People who are harmful will not change until they accept their weaknesses and issues and that CSA is real.

I know everyone here has each others best interest at heart, but remember you own the abuse and should own the privacy and disclosure that comes with the abuse. I want to own mine but now know those with evil in their hearts will not stop me from moving forward in healing.

#459124 - 01/22/14 03:33 AM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: KMCINVA]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
I vacillate between being too readily open and too closed regarding privacy and disclosure about CSA. I'm still within the more closed side of that equation as I have been recently. But, I can imagine there will be a time where I feel more secure about being more readily open about it again.

Those close to me know and as to those that can guess since I'm not sharply hidden about my concerns in the the topic, there's likely a reason they can. So, for now this works.

Since social networks were mentioned, I will say that once you've put it out there these days, there's no control of where it ends up or real ability to take it back if you aren't ready for the outcomes. Not saying that it isn't worth it to do so if you have a reason for sharing it, just suggesting folks exercise caution.

While I personally feel like my life is on track, don't know fi that's been lengthy enough a timeframe for it to be any kind of "testimony" to the general public on handling my CSA recovery journey well yet. I'm grateful for how things are going, just don't feel like I want to expose myself to those who might try to either hurt or otherwise put down me and my abilities because of CSA.

I'm still hopeful on building my self care experience and self-confidence enough eventually that even that won't cause me caution. Then, I'd likely still only share about it so openly if I thought there were some specific value to doing so at a time. I am self-aware enough to know I'm not completely there yet though.

#459291 - 01/24/14 12:57 AM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: KMCINVA]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
KMC- thank you. I agree with all you have said. Keith is correct… this should be read by all.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#459295 - 01/24/14 02:28 AM Re: Privacy and Disclosure [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3817
Thank you. I have lived with family members who speak without knowledge of CSA and denying the abuse, their actions and the medical diagnosis. It is spiteful and I have learned it is their way to protect from the truth--I guess I understand I spent decades denying and pretending the abuse was not real. One cannot run from the truth--it catches you. For me, I hurt myself first and did not deliberately or viciously set out to hurt someone else.

I have heard from people what has been said--and all I say if you understood the doctors' and hospital diagnosis you would think differently and if you understood why I was hospitalized you would reserve judgment. I do not waste time explaining because the diagnoses are my business but if people want to provide incorrect information or deny the abuse and triggers--that is their choice--they can live a life of denial. I am learning not to fret over people who have destructive vs. kindness in their hearts.

A friend wrote to me, speaking of his nephew's funeral. The nephew had been sexual abused by a clergy and his community and family were unkind to the point of being cruel to the nephew about the abuse and how his mind tried to cope. He took his own life. He wrote a quote I had never heard. It was from King Solomon "your own soul is nourished when you are kind, it is destroyed when you are cruel". Those that choose to disclosure my or your pain in a hurtful way, are destroying their souls and someone's life.

I believe it is our pain and past and we own them, no one else should have the right to disclose or use against us the victim. It is such a complex issue but to simplify to destroy the victim is heartless and a reflection of their character. They should respect our privacy and pain.


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