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#458426 - 01/10/14 10:00 PM Short presentation
PhilFree Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 2
Loc: France
Just a few words of presentation from a "survivor" who doesn't remember much of his abuse story apart from the teenage years with his mother. More recently, I was told there was much more and that it started much earlier. After this, there were images and ideas that came, obsessive, that told of tortures and killings of children and adults, and if the thing itself was not proven, a girl that went through much of what I did confirmed some details and even recalled a precise person from what I told her.

This makes me quite confused as I can't "remember" in the strict sense of the term a thing of all that - and the more I go the more I am obsessed with pictures of torture, rape and humiliation. In my mind, I am always playing the role of the victim and I seem to find a sort of pleasure, or at least of fascination. I feel ashamed of all this, especially the sexual part of this. I feel like going crazy and sex takes too much importance in my mental life: if I can't have sex with my partner, I feel lost, disorientated, which makes me wonder if I am not a pervert of some sort.

I've seen psychologists for years and I must say they are not much help. I've read quite a lot too. If only I could remember. Memory has always been the curse of my life. I forget everything and even things like my card secret code, my phone number or my birth date slip out of my memory from time to time...

Well, here I am. I'll have a look at what is published on that site.

#458433 - 01/11/14 12:13 AM Re: Short presentation [Re: PhilFree]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
welcome, PhilFree.

i am deeply moved by your story.
i can relate.
my memory has been playing cat and mouse with me all my life.
things pop up like whack-a-mole,
then disappear before i can get a good look at them.
they gather noisily at night, and scatter like cockroaches when i flick on a light.
they flicker and hide,
and play peekaboo at the edge of my peripheral sight.

some refuse to be forgotten.
some refuse to be remembered.

i recommend randomly reading around this site,
plus using the search function on the side of the screen,
will really give you some insight.

here's wishing you well.
hoping you health,
and posting you peace.

trigger warning:
depending on your state of stability,
you will likely come across all kinds of words or images that trigger sudden memories or emotions.
please be cautious and strong.
i don't surf this site when i am feeling vulnerable or volatile.


#458450 - 01/11/14 08:55 AM Re: Short presentation [Re: PhilFree]
PhilFree Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 2
Loc: France
Thanks so much for your reply and your encouragement. I don't know exactly what to expect or what I should look for, but I'll try to look around. I do not know what I should recover from, but I'm just trying to live with those I love, and not just side by side, in parallel to them, as if sometimes here, and sometimes not.

I have just my partner and my children, no friends and no parents to care for or that care for me. Not that I need that, it's just a matter of fact.

I am desperately looking for triggers that would get me out of my confused state of non-being, but I just find triggers that make me even more confused, not knowing whether I am really sufferinbg or whether I am just kidding myself and telling me out-of-the-world stories. My partner and the psychologist that followed me pressed me and kept saying I should believe it all, but I can't and even when I try to make myself believe I have really been in the hands of sects and of sadistic fascists back from collaborationist France and from colonial Algeria, it just don't add on in my mind. I can't really think the tortures I imagnined (electricity, rape, beatings) and the murders I was forced to witness or even to take part in are true memories.

And then, my partner has so many troubles with life that I don't have the time to think about mine...

#459255 - 01/23/14 03:38 PM Re: Short presentation [Re: PhilFree]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 408
Loc: Western Europe
pff Phil.. thats a lot to deal with.. having no clear memories.. very difficult i can imagine.

I always knew what happened to me, but i shut out the emotional/feeling part. In your case, you're not even sure what is true and what is fiction. A terrible pressure for your spyche i can imagine.

All i can really say is that you are very welcome here! Please take a look around, you might find others who deal with similiar issues. Be gentle with yourself and be open. Don't rush things.

But most of all: a very warm welcome from pays-bax smile

Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!


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