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#459241 - 01/23/14 07:34 AM Depressed! In need of support and advice please!!
susie Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 31
Hello everyone,

my husband and I are married for a couple of years now and have two lovely children under 3. My husband is starting therapy because he became physically violent toward me. We have had problems before that started off with sex and intimacy problems (and that from the very start), a little later he started putting me down quite a lot being emotionally abusive. He also started being very controlling, not of me, but of how to raise the children (he tends to be too protective, with no room for them to explore) and how the household has to be done. The list of the damage he has been done throughout the years is long. He sounds like a monster but he also has a very good core. He is a very loving and devoted father and pet owner (always has been good with children and animals so he is not a psycho), working very hard in his career, is very generous when it comes to financial things. He never cheated on me but is addicted to porn (nothing to do with fetishes or violence, thankfully!).

We have seen a counsellor now for a while. She has seen us separately, too. And after I was comfortable enough with her I told her of my suspicion, that he was sexually abused in his childhood. She then nodded her head and told me about a single session were she asked him about childhood traumas and he turning bright red, looking at the floor, almost crying. He said, there is something he didn't want anyone to know. And he is not sure if he is ready yet or will ever be ready to confess. He is going to see a T now and I am going to see one as well for support.
He has made some remarks in the last couple of days and I am quite certain he is trying to tell me something but the words won't pass his lips. I feel so sorry for him. At the same time I feel very depressed because I can't talk to him or to anyone else about it. My next appointment with the T is in two weeks time. I feel like the whole thing is eating me up inside. I have problems going to sleep as I imagine what might have happened to the cute little boy that my husband was. Then I have problems when I think about leaving him as I see my own needs being badly neglected. Besides intimacy, getting a little older I wish we had more sex and love in our relationship which he is just not able to give me. He explained to me, that he is very scared being vulnerable and he has got generally issues to trust someone. He is scared of being hurt. These were his own words. I also struggle with him getting cold on me. There are times, when he is really trying and we have a good time. But whenever we experienced such a high he spoils it by putting me down again or being miserable. I am trying hard not to put him under pressure or being upfront about my suspicion.

I really hope he is going to open up in the next couple of weeks/months so I see things progressing between us. This is very important to me. Do you think he will finally open up about it if he already made some remarks and generally gets softer on the topic? I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and have some hope. What do you think would help him? What could I do to encourage this?




Edited by susie (01/23/14 10:05 AM)

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#459247 - 01/23/14 09:42 AM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.
Boy, this hits me wrong!

"And she is not sure if he is ready yet or will ever be ready to confess."

I stopped there!

D.
_________________________
Female.

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#459249 - 01/23/14 10:10 AM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: Disappointed]
susie Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 31
--


Edited by susie (01/23/14 01:06 PM)

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#459250 - 01/23/14 10:20 AM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
Hi Susie, Welcome, you are in the right place. I am a wife of a survivor & a survivor myself. Your experience & questions are so normal for this situation. I feel your Hubby is going thru all the normal & common crap. Initially there is strong denial because 'it hurts' to even talk about it. On the Home Page here, read the Myths & Facts - he may be somewhat in shock. As for when he opens up ? only when HE is ready. It may trickle out slowly or burst out all at 1 time, neither of which we can control or manipulate. I'm glad for the counseling but I'm not sure she should talk about his sessions with you; there must be confidentially for each. "They say" some of the acting-out, like porn, is trying to regain their control, which they did not have during the abuse. I suggest you accept this new journey that has no schedule, be available, never push, be supportive to a victim of a Crime, pour your heart out to the T but always take care of yourself & the kids first. i.e. put your oxygen mask on 1st. My Prayers are with you and all of us trying to make sense of their pain.
Recovery is out there, if we want it ! It does take time, darn.
_________________________
Still trying hope?

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#459254 - 01/23/14 10:38 AM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
toysoldier Offline


Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 500
Loc: Texas
Keep the faith Susie it took Me 12 years to disclose to my wife its a very hard thing for some of us Survivor's to do it was very hard for me to trust my wife with knowing for a lot of reasons,

I was very worried that she may see me as less of Man or that she would one day throw it in my face like when we were arguing or something or that she would leave me and a lot of other fears..

The fact that yall are going to therapy together speaks volumes to me and there has to be a lot of hope there my wife will not even entertain the ideal of Therapy..

So dont lose heart You guys are definitely on the right track...
_________________________
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders..

Bit by bit Torn apart We never win But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers!

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#459261 - 01/23/14 11:21 AM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
I'm not sure if that reply was mean or just confusing; I didn't understand it. 99% of us do not give up on anybody. The point of this web site is for all of us to express out feelings W/O negative feed back. We all have opinions but I personally would not try to offend anyone on here - to each their own - & there is always the Private Reply method. Note to Susie: just keep typing honey. Remember there is a vast difference between the after affects for males vs. females - like apples & elephants ! Let's keep our personal baggage separate from another's, unless it is Helpful.
Keep hanging-in honey.
_________________________
Still trying hope?

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#459270 - 01/23/14 12:15 PM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: WhyWhyWhy]
susie Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 31
Thanks for your support, wife-survivor. I am also not a native English speaker so my text is surely not perfect because of that reason. I think I might have even misunderstood the first reply?! Was it meant to be nasty?


Edited by susie (01/23/14 12:15 PM)

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#459272 - 01/23/14 12:54 PM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hello: I understand it took me years to finally get to the point where I knew that there was something wrong with all the anger, depression. I just got tired of living with it. I was not in any therapy for all that time. The fact that your both in therapy puts you light years ahead It still takes time for a man to admit the he could be that venerable. You see as we grow up we are taught that a man must be strong not venerable this is in direct conflict to what happened. It took me many years to understand that I am looking at what happened was to a child, I was trying to apply the standards of a full grown mature man to a boy that was an innocent, I did not know or understand what anything about sex. The perps know this its all orchestrated we were groomed. The truth is that even a boys body will respond to simulation, We are betrayed by our on bodies. We were taught to respect adults, now a major trust has been destroyed. Hence many of the trust issues. Even with wife's and therapists. He will progress at his own pace, we all do, understand that each abuse and abused are many different. So the effects are varied. I will pray for you and with the best for you family
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#459273 - 01/23/14 01:03 PM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
susie Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 31
Thank you all for your answers so far. It has been very comforting because I feel I can't talk to anyone else about it. It is a burden you carry and you feel like you don't want to make anyone upset. Through all of the years in our marriage my husband blamed me for everything what went wrong. It was the physical abuse and the response from a third party that made him think differently. As a result of that he is now very honest about his feelings and I hope hope hope that we are just before breakthrough. It would almost safe our relationship as I was very very close to leaving him with the kids.

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#459340 - 01/24/14 07:35 PM Re: Depressed! In need of support and advice please!! [Re: susie]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Susie - please do not allow yourself to be physically harmed. There is simply no excuse for that behavior.

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