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#459131 - 01/22/14 04:42 AM MS member anniversary!
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Hey guys. I have been a member of MS for a year now. During this time I can honestly say I have grown in the positive more than any time during my life. And its easy to say, fewer days ahead than behind. But that's okay, because I am beginning to feel whole.

In the early days when I arrived I was broken. Truly almost destroyed. And truly working hard at destroying myself. I am PROUD to say that is no more. I am proud to say I can look in the mirror most days and be pleased with the man I see looking back. The pain of the abuses and assaults are just under the surface. I am guessing they always will be. It feels good to be able to cry when I hurt, and it feels good to not be crying any time I am alone.

2013 was my year of reckoning. I consciously decided that the old me and the pain and shame had to be altered. I entered therapy just before 2012 ended, stayed in therapy for a solid year- even when I had to leave one for another- and did not fall apart when I ended the last sessions.

I suppose without repeating everything I posted for 2013, is that I just want to say thanks to the guys for supporting me. For advising me. For lifting me up when I was so low I couldn't function properly. For being the brothers I never had.

It is a grand day when we realize as survivors that sexual assault is not the responsibility of the victim/survivor. It is given to us, placed on our shoulders, but it isn't our responsibility. It is the sole responsibility of those who were to watch over us, care for us, and the responsibility of the perpetrator.

With both CSA and ASA, the damage is immense. It goes so deep into the soul that our very spirits are shadowed. It isn't easy to stand tall again. It just isn't. But I know in the past year that I have gained the strength and the courage and the belief to know that I could possibly take on any adversary brought forth and emerge victorious…. oh, wait, my life had already taught me that… and yet when I crumbled, I truly crumbled. And only you of MS knew to what extent.

But here I am. Shoulder to shoulder with you, standing tall, being proud again. And I know when the days grow grey again for me- and they will- that all I need do is weather the storm.

I can make it. I can be bill as bill was meant to be. And that ain't so bad. My best of the bestests, brothers. It has been one hell of a victorious year. And someone just whispered that they cared about me, and I believe them… maybe 2014 will be not just good, but tremendous.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#459139 - 01/22/14 05:57 AM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: đť’Ş đť’¦anada


please accept best wishes from a ten year MS veteran.
this place has been an anchor in my life for that long.

(and i don't mean it has been weighing me down and keeping me form hitting the high seas smirk i mean that it has kept me from drifting from safe harbour)

when i joined in September 27, 2003, i was nowhere near as happy as i am now, but yet i was happy.

i thought my recovery was as good as it gets,
but there was still much more to live through and learn about.
life never lets you rest.


#459143 - 01/22/14 08:00 AM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3866
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow, what a nice topic and occasion for celebration...

Congratulations (((Bill)))

I'm sure this year would be even better!

My story

#459155 - 01/22/14 12:32 PM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1344


Edited by Suwanee (02/21/16 06:47 PM)
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#459158 - 01/22/14 01:35 PM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
bill -

it is an honor to know you, sir!
so encouraging to hear how far you've come.
congratulations on your progress, resiliency, perseverance and courage.
It can only get better.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#459187 - 01/22/14 06:09 PM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Congratulations to you. It is inspiring to read your story. Your progress has been remarkable and here's looking ahead to an even better 2014.


#459202 - 01/23/14 01:37 AM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: DavoSwim]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL


Awesome post and a wonderful message. I hope you know I am proud to have been with you for much of this journey, being that my own 1 year anniversary here is coming up soon. It is an honor to have been able to get to know you and to have shared in your story and your struggles. You are certainly one of those here that others can take inspiration from. Kudos. Peace,


#459259 - 01/23/14 03:55 PM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 409
Loc: Western Europe
Bill, this man Bill,
This man said it! Bill is here to stay!
This man knows it! Brothers helping every day!
This man shares it in a most personal way!

Thanks Bill, just a small random speed-try-poetry to acknowledge what you have written. I connect to your words very well. Also been here for about a year and it's just so awesome to have a site like this. A place where i can be.

So to follow the best wishes and inspirations by Bill, i recently decided to use my real first name Pieter. I used the name Peter before, but as an ode to all these known and unknown survivors and thrivers its time to embrace it.

Bill, thanks a bunch. We met at some topics and we've helped each other. Well, at least one way wink

Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#459343 - 01/25/14 02:32 AM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Bill, that is awesome! It's also an inspiration to anyone who recently arrived here in pieces and is just starting to put themselves back together. You, and so many others here, are showing that it indeed can be done. It takes lots of work (like all really worthwhile things) and it's not fun or easy. On the other hand, going through the healing process also teaches you a lot about yourself, and that's never a bad thing.

Congratulations on your progress and may it continue. smile


#459350 - 01/25/14 04:44 AM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
VV- thanks for the words, guy. Happy is as they say, a "fleeting thing"… or is that love? Regardless, I appreciate your words and your story and the efforts made to help others.

Pero- always one to lift others. May you always receive the blessings you deserve.

Will and Ken and Dave- over the past year I probably have failed at letting you guys know how much I have needed and appreciated your comments and support and how much I have learned from the sharing of your struggles and experiences. Three of my heroes.

Lee- always there to make me feel ten feet tall with your words of support…and always ready to provide a safe harbor. You are such an inspiration not only to me but to everyone.

Pieter- the help from you has flowed in this direction, good sir. And I thank you for that. I think it is cool that you are choosing to use your actual first name. I think it is cool and also quite freeing. Using my name has helped me feel a little more human, a little more real. (Actually, my given name is Billy- but that is just too "down-home" for my personality!)

Bob- it is super to read your words and I thank you for the affirmation. I am not certain I should be considered an inspiration, but I can definitely say things get better! And you are correct in that we learn who we really are as we progress toward "wellness". ps..I have enjoyed and appreciated reading your comments and thoughts the last few months. Thanks for sharing so others can learn from your experiences.

This is what MS is about. Not only do the guys here share the pain and the struggles, they share the milestones as well. The responses still bring a tear to the eye, not because of pain but because I now realize where I was, what I was…or at least what I thought I was. It just tears me up to realize that I am beginning to think of myself as person of immense dignity and I like that. Thanks, men. You are all my heroes.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#459367 - 01/25/14 01:28 PM Re: MS member anniversary! [Re: ThisMan]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12157
Loc: Denver, CO
Happy anniversary, Bill!
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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