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#458697 - 01/16/14 04:45 AM Bisexual issues
NotSure Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
My boyfriend told me he was bisexual after he told me loved me and I was the "one". Having had gay friends and working in the fashion industry my whole life, I was floored. As I knew about his CSA, I inherently sensed it was about that and less about him being gay.

After getting over the initial shock I read a lot about CSA and realized this is quite common. I had hoped in time he would be open to therapy, not to change him as I figured SSA would always be something that existed for him. But I wanted him to go to therapy to gain some self-awareness about this.

However he is not at all open to therapy and thinks I am trying to change him. In fact, he wants me to eventually participate in threesomes with another guy. Yet strangely, he was freaked out when we went to a gay bar for a friend's birthday.

Regardless, I was against this from the get go. I can accept a lot of things, anal play, occasional watching of gay porn, IF he went to therapy. But I will never be OK with a threesome in the context of a relationship, especially not when the desire comes from something that happened in an abusive situation.

He has no desire to date a guy or even kiss a guy, just oral sex (which is how he was abused). I could never watch him perform oral sex on a man (or vice versa). But part of me wonders if we should do it, just because I think he will freak out and realize he doesn't really want his girlfriend involved in this.

He thinks I can't accept him the way he is. I can and I do (a healthy version anyway), but I am scared that without therapy this is just a ticking time bomb and not remotely healthy. I don't want to find out years down the road he cheated on me with another guy. He thinks I should just accept him.

Thus we are at an impasse and neither of us are sure which way to go.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Solutions? How do I get him to understand where I'm coming from? This is all very scary and confusing to me.

#458715 - 01/16/14 11:40 AM Re: Bisexual issues [Re: NotSure]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3850
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello NotSure, good to see you posting and asking many questions about your boyfriend and your expectations in mutual relationship.

Firstly your boyfriend must be loving you as he has felt secure and safe enough to share the most intimate issues with you. At other side that "knowledge" is sort of burden that is already taking it's toll on your relationship as it is seen from your recent posts.
I need something to make bold here: SSA, sexual fantasies and behavior are just small portion of problems that could arise because of abuse in survivor's life. We can't separate particular part of one's person and look for it's healing, there is no way that is possible to do it like that. Related to therapy we have to be very open and honest with ourselves acknowledging problems and vulnerabilities, to be willing to ask for help and to be brave enough to go to unknown waters.
It is not possible to make someone to do it. Here are many topics about similar issues. Some survivors are waiting till they reach forties, fifties or even later before they get enough confidence and understandings to go to ask for help. It is very difficult task.
Any push or revealing his story to friends/family could ruin existing level of trust.
Please look how to change focus from him to your own needs. It is not healthy to erase own boundaries and to put all energy into solving partners' problems, no matter if we are talking about survivor of sexual abuse or someone else. We just can't do it like that no matter on nice wishes.
There is no way that you could somehow push him if he is not ready for changes and therapy. Leaving comfort zone for survivors could be very challenging as he could find his ultimate coping mechanism there that helped him to go trough many difficult moments - that is reason why we are sometimes unbelievably stubborn. It is lonely and isolated place and sometimes there is no room for partners there, we just don't know how to share it as it wasn't built for such reason...

Also your posts about your boyfriend have raised in me questions know your boyfriend well and do you like his main characteristics?
Our partners are not always ideal and we need to find, learn and accept those non-representative traits as well as those good one. Better if we do it sooner than later.

My story

#458727 - 01/16/14 03:57 PM Re: Bisexual issues [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself!

Aside from all of the CSA-related issues (trust, intimacy, lying) we get along perfectly. We always talk about how we are so in sync. We can complete each other's sentences and never get tired of hanging out together. We have the same interests, values, etc. He's actually hasn't been in love with anyone else in 10 years since his high school GF.

I just wish he could understand that its not about me changing him but finding a healthy middle that both of us can be happy with. I mean if he wants to bring another guy so he can perform oral sex that's kind of a big problem. For that matter then I would might as well bring in another guy to have sex with while he watches. Of course, he admittedly doesn't want to see that.

Then he does other things, like I planned a weekend getaway at a friend's house and at the last minute he told me we couldn't leave until Saturday @ 4 because he had to play football with his friends. It's like he purposefully pulls away yet he keeps saying he wants to get married and settle down.

I just don't know how to talk to him constructively. It's almost like I have to be a therapist and sometimes I just blow up.

#458787 - 01/17/14 09:19 AM Re: Bisexual issues [Re: NotSure]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
When you say it feels like he's actively pushing you away while at the same time wanting a close bond that lasts forever, that's probably because that's exactly what's happening. The more important you become to him, the more dangerous you are in his mind. I've been in both situations before, one where my back-then significant other couldn't take the risk and left me, and now my marriage where my husband made the leap of faith. My only guess about why one worked out and the other didn't is that my husband just was ready to take the leap. In his case, that was most likely because he was actively working on his healing and had come along quite a bit already.

Unfortunately, I have not many ideas about what you can do to influence this process. I have in both relationships done my best to stand by my partner, be a safe person for them, be there without being pushy, be patient and accept them with all their baggage while supporting them in their healing. One time it worked, one time it didn't.

One thing I want to repeat is the importance of taking good care of yourself. And yes, that includes refusing to do things that you are not comfortable with. You are worth to be respected and to be supported and taken seriously. Your partner is, too, of course. But it's not a one way street.

As for the bisexual issue, part of being a safe person for my partner for me has always included not to indulge in behaviour that has its root in the abuse. It can be extremely frustrating sometimes to be on the receiving end of this, because your brain works against you there by giving you happy hormones when you do something familiar even if it's unhealthy for you (e.g. "I want to be punished, I'll feel better once I've been punished"). Ultimately, finding new, healthy ways of behaving is the only way to break these old patterns.

#458801 - 01/17/14 02:57 PM Re: Bisexual issues [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Thanks for that! I could have (and maybe should) make a separate topic just on the "push / pull". I thought I was going kookoo!

I have tried to explain exactly what you just said to my BF, that I don't want to indulge in behavior that its root in abuse. Because of that he questions our compatibility in the long run because I don't want to engage in threesomes with another dude. Part of me just wants to do it to prove how not fun it's going to be. I think the reality of seeing his loved one (and not a random girl) with another guy is going to make him realize that he doesn't actually want this.

#458804 - 01/17/14 03:17 PM Re: Bisexual issues [Re: NotSure]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I think it comes down to you searching your own heart. How far are you willing to compromise your own integrity to either accommodate his wishes or prove a point to him? What are you willing to give up so as not to lose him? And last but not least, what kind of relationship do you want in the long-term?


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