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#458702 - 01/16/14 07:40 AM Old prior T, - "Don't be sicker than you are"
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Paraphrasing, but that was what new therapist back in '96 or '97 said after I was switching therapists to try and talk more openly about some of the gay sexuality issues I was feeling.

During an early session with that T, I commented on topic of my "dissociation" that I'd made significant, though limited, headway with with female therapist before him. Since I still held decent job and had outward trappings of being moderately functioning well at time, suppose I could understand the new T's hesitancy at subject he didn't fully understand even though CSA and complications was within his field he acknowledged as a therapist. Found quite a few therapists counsel to what they already are comfortable with rather than always where a given individual patient is at.

Went a couple more times to him, but pulled back and quit seeing that T not long after the "don't be sicker" conversation. Then, I subsequently did outwardly get or at least show as being sicker (to match the inner?) - not blaming the T, just part of my journey through to the other side on this. But, I was already at the mental health state I was at, the extent of it just didn't show outwardly at the time.

What I find interesting is given what I've come across since, I don't feel that dissociative is necessarily a "sicker" response to CSA, merely one of the responses. Also, dissociative seems a lot less problematic to deal with decades later than some other kinds of responses some CSA's struggle with on the MS forums. There were definitely messy times for me for a while, but I wouldn't trade my process for some of the others listed here. And I'm sure those others would likely feel the same about not wanting to trade me for my process compared to theirs.

Yes, I may still have oddly euphoric recall thoughts regarding temporary emotional relief during the thick of my sickest times of self-injury with burning skin when I read of others dealing with self-injury cutting (where cutting wasn't my SI of choice), but for the most part, the dissociative related phenomena are behind me. Doesn't mean I don't struggle as is otherwise, just that in my experience I wouldn't equate dissociative coping among CSA survivors as "sicker" than if without necessarily. But, I do realize that some with different coping mechanisms would find SI burns repulsive rather than a go-to coping mechanism (haven't done that in nearly a decade by the way).

If anything, I think those of us with male survivor recovery are more apt to act outwardly healthier than we are, and risk not tackling problems before they get worse because of it. I'm neither healthier than I am, not sicker, I'm simply where I'm at. That was as true back then in the mid-90's as it is now.

#458709 - 01/16/14 09:38 AM Re: Old prior T, - "Don't be sicker than you are" [Re: kcinohio]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3849
Loc: South-East Europe
Thank you for sharing your story and experience with healing.
It is always nice for me to see some perspective in dealing with our problems as it can be very difficult to predict where we are heading. Good point to start tackling problems before they get worse. I wish if I was more brave and honest to myself and started therapy ten years ago, but no matter it is never too late to ask for help and start healing journey.

I'm glad to hear that you found way to battle dissociative episodes trough understanding and acceptance of yourself.
Keep sharing with us!

My story

#458718 - 01/16/14 01:41 PM Re: Old prior T, - "Don't be sicker than you are" [Re: kcinohio]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1137
Loc: michigan
hey man
thanks for the thoughts. I have coped through self injury including cutting and burning. I totally relate to what you have written. I agree it is not a question of sicker or less sick, in fact I think I would resent the application of "sickness" to this issue.there may be sickness as well and our coping skills may be injurious but as a whole we are wounded... not sick. that being said I think that the coping can lead to other types of illness so I guess we cant quibble too has not been years for me, more like weeks far as dissociation. a few weeks ago I zoned and drove like 60 miles in the wrong direction and before I got out of it then looked at the scratch /dig marks in my arm but on the other side I feel that the T session that freed that emotion and probably triggered the dissociation was a good thing. potayto/potato
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#458866 - 01/18/14 06:34 AM Re: Old prior T, - "Don't be sicker than you are" [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Thanks peroperic and newground. Appreciate your responses.


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