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#458476 - 01/11/14 10:48 PM HUNGER games
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 691
Loc: where the shadows lie
when I get hungry, I go back in time.
The pain in my gut pulsates
I can feel the gases moving around
the air pressure inside me changing
the space between my ears constricting
crackling like a high pitched radio squeal
everything seems to be trying to crash in on itself
I am trying to make myself smaller
less needy
such a bad needy boy
to want food
to want love

I'm by no means a thin guy
I eat . . . inconsistently
I pack it into large heavy meals
and then try to go as long as I can
without eating

I survive too often on soda
a wonder drug in twelve packs
caffeine for my headaches
bubbles for my stomach
sugar for energy

I was often left alone
my job to feed me and my brother
with nothing in the house
but soda, soda, soda.
My dad would have migranes
so he always kept it stocked.
soda, soda, soda.
liquid lunch.
but you still feel hungry.

My family wasn't poor.
Well, they were sometimes, but it was their own fault.
we had money for food.
its just that the people who had the money
didn't think about the long hours
when they left their children at home.

I feel that I have no right to complain.
That I am bad, selfish, don't deserve to eat.
Feel that pain in your stomach.
Learn to get over it.
Sooner or later it has to become numb, right?

I don't want to mislead you.
I'm not talking about any actual danger of dying
I'm talking about a pretty regular discomfort
A regular reminder that you are not protected.

So when I feel hunger now
The past tells me to feel mad at myself
To call myself weak for wanting food
And to believe, without even looking,
that there is nothing good to eat.

Home alone.
with my stomach screaming at me
but the message I hear
from those groans and crackles
and guttural whistles
isn't "eat!"

It's "this is what you get
for being so selfish!
DON'T EAT -- you don't deserve to!"
So the hungrier I get,
the more I hurt,
but the less I want to eat.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#458490 - 01/12/14 04:05 AM Re: HUNGER games [Re: Jacob S]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 541
Loc: NY

Not sure how this message got made, but it seems like a good moment to recognize that taking care of yourself is not the same kind of "selfish".

I have a tendency to act like a martyr. A friend once recommended that I be more "self-full" instead of "selfless". Sometimes working through the pain helps me arrive at where I truly reside. And then I know how much I really want to take care of myself.

Hope you can find a way to start that process, even if it is very slow.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#458494 - 01/12/14 05:23 AM Re: HUNGER games [Re: focusedbody]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

You may be sugar addicted. If so you have to lower your intake little-by-little. Keep a record of your intake.

You may need someone you can be responsible to in this. Someone you obligate yourself to report your intake records.

One of the first thoughts for accomplishing your goal is to make substitutions. When you start to feel hungry for it, have something else you can substitute. It might be a piece of fruit or a salad or something.


#458499 - 01/12/14 09:15 AM Re: HUNGER games [Re: pufferfish]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 691
Loc: where the shadows lie
Originally Posted By: pufferfish

You may be sugar addicted.

that is one aspect of it.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.


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