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#457683 - 12/31/13 04:31 PM Dreams
Truth2013 Offline

Registered: 11/04/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Hi guys,
My name is Ike and I have been married for 7 years now. My wife found out about my CSA in 2008. During that time, I had a one night stand with a guy and she found out about my porn addiction to gay porn. I have been in therapy since 2009. I am a leader in my Celebrate Recovery sexual group. I have been sober for almost three years now.
However, I have been struggling for the past few weeks. About two weeks ago I had a dream about my CSA and we was having sex. The dream was very sexual and I wound up having a wet dream from it. Every since that dream I have been stuggling and having other dreams/fantasy about childhood friends who I have never been with. I feel really bad because I don't understand why these dreams are so strong. My wife is very supportative but I feel like I am living a lie sometimes. I feel like I don't know who I am and feel like I am pretending to be straight. I am at a point where I don't even feel like having sex at all. sometimes I feel like just running away and she would be so happy without me. However I have a 5 year old daughter and a 14 yearold son with her. My son is actually my stepson. I am taking medication for depression wellburtin (sp?).
I don't know what to do. I am in a depress state and feels like my wife deserve somebody better than me. She is my best friend. I don't know what's going on guys. Thanks for listening to me.

#457688 - 12/31/13 04:54 PM Re: Dreams [Re: Truth2013]
north51 Offline

Registered: 12/31/13
Posts: 7
Loc: Ontario
Hey Truth2013 sorry to hear you're feeling down. This is my first time on the site and I'm just getting used to it so bear with me.

#457721 - 01/01/14 02:03 AM Re: Dreams [Re: Truth2013]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4230
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
hi, Ike!

first, welcome to our community. i hope you will find your involvement here helpful. i certainly have. two years ago i was a desperate mess. now i am doing pretty well. amazing difference - that i attribute to the help of MS, a good therapist, a patient and faithful wife, and my specific "Higher Power." i have been participating in Celebrate Recovery for the past 2 months and am doing the 12-step group - which i have found very positive and encouraging.

i was abused by several perps in several situations from age 6 to 16. i repressed it for decades. it messed me up in more ways than i can count. not least was doubts and insecurities about my orientation. i too had disturbing dreams. i was very depressed and suicidal for several periods of my life. i have moved beyond most of that now. there is hope.

i encourage you not to take the dreams too literally. it does not necessarily mean what you may think it does. it is quite possible that it is a desire to re-do your younger life. it may be that you were the one who was under someone else's control and your dream is a subconscious attempt to regain control. and many of us survivors confuse a desire for friendship or affection or attention with an association with sexual activity - because that is how our abusers conditioned us to react.

these are only my suggestions - obviously i don't know you or your details at all.

if you want to PM me i am open to further discussion.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#457757 - 01/01/14 05:45 PM Re: Dreams [Re: Truth2013]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
Hey Truth2013,

Take a few deep slow breaths. I recommend that you journal about these dreams. Write down what you can remember and how they felt, every little thing you can recall. The process of writing dreams down helps me understand them better, and having them written down makes it easier for you to share them with your therapist.

My experience of dreams is that they are seldom literal and obvious. It's really worth talking through them with your therapist and trying to place them in the context of your recent experience. We are feeling and sensate beings, so your physical reaction is very normal and not something to focus on too heavily. The feelings that go along with it are worth your attention.

It might be worth considering the people in the dreams as symbols and try to understand what they represent to you (then and now). Again, I think working through these with your therapist is very important to get perspective here.

Take a few more slow deep breaths, Truth. These kinds of dreams are gifts to help us understand who we are and what matters to us. I've had dreams like these in the past myself and felt much as you do now, but from my perspective now I'm so glad I had them as they helped me enormously.

Be gentle with yourself,


Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#457858 - 01/03/14 01:30 AM Re: Dreams [Re: Truth2013]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Hi Truth,

I'm with the other guys here-- I wouldn't take these dreams too literally. Many of us either had terrible self-esteem problems before our perps came along, or we had them afterwards. If you felt you were somehow "inferior" to the boys you were having sex with (back then,) your dream may have been more a way of identifying with them instead of actually having sex with them. I've had those, and they're really nothing to worry about.

As to the one-night stand, it's important to look at exactly what it was that drove you to that. The one-night stand could easily have been a "you're in control now" re-enactment of the abuse. If you've always felt like women aren't attracted to you, it can also be (1) a "rush" that someone felt you attractive, (2) a sense of empowerment that you were able to "land that catch," and (3) a no-strings-attached sexual release. In other words, it could be a sexual conquest that occurred in what you believe is the only way open to you. The point is to look at it and see what drives you to it and what need it fulfills.

The gay porn is similar. What is it that makes it attractive? I know that I felt the guys in the movies were way better looking than I was, they had much better bodies, larger things, and so on. The movies were also set in "macho" environments like gyms, barracks, and so on. Often they started as a bunch of guys hanging out, maybe having a beer, before turning sexual-- much like the abuse I went through. (When I discovered how much those guys looked like my perp looked at that age, lots of things fell into place.) Could it be that, for you like myself, simple male bonding was sexualized and equated with having sex, courtesy of your perp? The point is to look at it and see exactly what it is that you're finding attractive. You might find that it's self-esteem issues, envy of really good-looking guys' bodies, and the thrill of the chase. These are NO indicators that you're gay. Not at all!

Would you ever consider leaving your wife for the guy you had a one-night stand with? How about kissing, cuddling, living together as spouses, adopting children, and romance without sex? If the answer is "no," I doubt you're gay. If it was just sex without any sort of intimacy beyond close bodily contact, I'd be likely to attribute it to csa. Just my thoughts-- I'm not a therapist. I'm glad you're here at MS, and I wish you well in healing.



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