Newest Members
tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger, AnonymousJerry, Golden_Phoenix
13510 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dawn0921 (40), joe1334_us (57), MrAJH85 (32), scolby1977 (40), Worried Girlfriend (40)
Who's Online
4 registered (Golden_Phoenix, Max1969, 2 invisible), 60 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,510 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,174 Topics
489,987 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#457636 - 12/30/13 08:11 PM try not to think about it
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
one night
my grandfather rubbed my back and said
"shhhh, benji
its ok, benicha
try not to think about it"

i was 26 years old
and having intense rolling flashbacks
that left me gutted
one after the other
after night
after night

it was a most unfortunate side effect of coming off heroin
after 8 years of forced not-remembering
or maybe not-caring
my brain was making up for lost time
and night after night i woke in a cold sweat
crying and yelling
my roommates
(my best friend
his grandfather
and his two friends)
were more than a little concerned
and no doubt bothered by this nightly routine
not that anyone got much sleep in that house anyways

one night i just lost it
i couldn't take one more minute of memories
split lips and heavy hands
i was done done done
and decided to go get high or jump in front of a train
whichever was easiest at the time
same result, i figured
i just needed it to stop

so i got out of bed
got dressed and crept down the hall
not wanting to wake anyone
turned the corner and bumped into jannik
my 78 year old roommate / adopted grandfather
sitting on the couch with a cup of tea
at 3am

"sit down, benny"
he said
"don't leave"

and i lost it
i started screaming and crying
threw things
kicked things
punched walls
ranted and raved and paced
"I know" he said
"I know, Benny"

No rationalizing, no making it better, no diminishing or explaining
Just "I know"
I know this hurts
I know you are afraid
I know you are angry
I know you aren't sure you can live with this much longer
I know you are trying
I know you don't see a way out
I know it is so overwhelming you aren't sure you can carry it
I know you are lost
I know, Benny

so finally i sat on the couch beside him
and put my head on my knees
covered my head with my arms and cried
from the centre of my soul i cried for everything i hadn't cried about

i cried and said
"zaide, i am sorry. i can't do it. i can't. its too much"
and my grandfather rubbed my back in big circles
and said
"its ok benji, its ok benicha. try not to think about it. just sit here with me. i will tell you a story"

and he did.

#457663 - 12/31/13 07:02 AM Re: try not to think about it [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 952
Loc: Canada
oh benny ... my tears are for you
Experience is a brutal teacher.


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.