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#457484 - 12/27/13 08:29 PM Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor
expectinfeb14 Offline

Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 16
Hello everyone: I am a wife of a male survivor of child molestation by his father. He abused my husband for 6 years through inappropriate touching of the genitals and did either the same or worse to his older brother. His family has not addressed that this happened and has repressed it. I have no idea who knows. AllI know is that my husband opened up to me about it when we were dating and we cried together and I was very upset at what his father did.

I have for the sake of my husband had a normal relationship with my in laws since we've met, but we are now expecting our first child and i can't pretend like I am okay with him having a normal relationship with his grandchild. they live cross country thank god so we won't see them much, but I recently brought up the issue twice with my husband and he is not concerned his father would ever molest again and thinks I'm overreacting when I say I don't want to leave him alone with my child. I also don't want to leave him alone with my mother in law if my father in law could be anywhere near by since I don't trust her either since the abuse happened in her home. my husband has never received therapy for it. i am concerned since he thinks the abuse could never happen again and all he says to me is that he won't let anything bad happen to our child but tells me nothing of the steps he is willing to take to assure this will not happen.

I know he is in somewhat of a denial about it but is coping much better than his brother who is not really functional in society and on several medications. both of them have had serious issues in regards to relationships with women. my husband didn't have sex with a woman until he met me and he was already 25 yrs old. he used to jump back at times when id touch him anywhere near his genitals. thankfully he is better with this. he hasn't had fear or nightmares in more than a year, but he told me about all of his feelings. I am at a loss because he is upset at me now for not wanting our child to have a normal relationship with his grandfather. I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to for advice. Thank you in advance.

Edited by expectinfeb14 (12/27/13 08:31 PM)

#457486 - 12/27/13 08:38 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Let him be upset with you. You are absolutely right in not allowing your child to be around those people alone. Do not back down. There is no need to leave your child unsupervised with them. If you are comfortable visiting them, just make sure you are always there, too. You owe them nothing. They can have a "normal" relationship with you there, too.

#457489 - 12/27/13 09:52 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi - sorry you have to be here and congratulations on your baby!

I am sorry if anything I say next comes off wrong - I just find that I have a very low tolerance for babies being exposed to these people... totally my own trauma and experiences... so take it for what it is worth....

One of my closest friends had this problem. When she was pregnant, her father in law went to prison for what was pled down to children pornography and endangerment. Her now ex-husband was adamant that their child would have a relationship with his father. ADAMANT. She felt terrible but she did not want to take the risk.

Her therapist at the time recommended taking a very clear, strong and consistent position - boundaries fully in place so that they could never be questioned. The child was not to ever spend time with the grandfather. That was her final decision and it made it easy for her husband in that there were no shades of gray - the answer was just NO. Her child is now 7 and has never met her grandfather and she has been instructed to tell her mother should it ever happen. It's a crappy thing but the reality is that this man is NOT safe - just as your father in law is NOT SAFE. A man who would molest his own child is a level of sickness that exceeds what anyone would be expected to tolerate.

And I assume this is your first child so I will offer something I learned quickly after my first child was born. People we let be around US are automatically assumed to be safe people by our children. AKA, if you have dinner with someone and your child sees them on the street, they assume they are safe because you invited them into your home for dinner. They don't make the distinction as readily as adults can. You let them in, your child will let them in. It's that easy.

As far as looking to your husband for guidance on this, my opinion is that you simply cannot. He is not in recovery, he has not worked through his issues of shame (thus why you see the denial) and he has not fully come to understand his own father. Therefore all bets are off when it comes to deciding about the relationship your child will have with his father. That voice you hear is your intuition girl - listen to it.

Let me go a step further. Freud and many others wrote frequently about repetition compulsion. This idea that we repeat familial history unconsciously in order to maintain the connection with our ancestors and our family. To be one - to be the same. It is an unconscious action. In order to stop this, we need to act consciously. Your husband is not conscious on this topic. You are. Would you let your child be around a child molester who lived up the street?? Just because this person is "family" doesn't mean they get a privilege - look what he did with the privilege that your husband afforded him? I would assume that without a doubt, your husband has often said the same line to himself..."but he's my dad."

Again, sorry if I come off harsh. You are in a difficult position that is very unfortunate. I am sure your husband wishes he had a dad just like he wishes your child had a grandfather. Unfortunately, that person hurts children and it just is what it is.

#457496 - 12/27/13 11:05 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline

Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 16
It isnt harsh at all. It is very sound and straight forward advice which i fully appreciate. I see now that my husband needs a lot of help still and will never be able to approach this issue in our relationship and his father unless he helps himself first.

#457519 - 12/28/13 05:36 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Dear expectinfeb14,

I was repeatedly abused by a step -dad from age 6 to 13.
I did not EVER let him be alone with my children.
It was a relief when he died when our oldest was nearly 5 and before our 3rd was born.
You are doing the right thing.
Your husband is in denial and needs to have more help than you can give.
But thank you for standing by him. It is likely that things will be more difficult for him before it gets better.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#457532 - 12/28/13 02:39 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 373
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
Ditto- everything already said.
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#457533 - 12/28/13 03:43 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Chicago
Your concerns are 100% VALID. As a mother, you have a heads up from other mothers who are not familiar with childhood abuse. So use that to your advantage. Your child will not be abused by anyone, especially your father-in-law . . . PERIOD!

I don't have a child, but I am very protective of my nephews. If no one understands that, let it be on them. Good luck and God bless! -Nick

#457535 - 12/28/13 04:56 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
yes he needs to help imself but dont know how,


#457536 - 12/28/13 05:17 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline

Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 16
Hello everyone, thank you for your responses. I finally spoke to him but his reaction was to get angry with me. he said i was being unreasonable, that his father would never abuse our child, that his father made many sacrifices for him and deserves to have a normal relationship with his grandchild. furthermore he was angry when i told him i also didn't trust his mother in whose home this abuse went on without her knowing. my husband continues to say nothing bad will ever happen to either of us but he doesn't assure me how he will prevent this. He said i was being unreasonable and not taking his emotions into consideration. I told him I was being very generous in even allowing short supervised visits. He said he regretted sometimes having even told me about his abuse. I feel so broken hearted because i suggested therapy or us or him talking to someone and he said no he wasn't going to waste money on that. i finally threw out the word divorce at him as a preview of what will happen if he isn't willing to at least outline a plan for us. Maybe i shouldn't have but he needed to see how serious this is. This breaks my heart because i love him more than life itself but now its not about us as a couple anymore, its about our child too. he said we can revisit the topic in a couple days. I am researching therapists and hopefully he will be willing to see someone specializing in child abuse.

Edited by expectinfeb14 (12/28/13 05:17 PM)

#457537 - 12/28/13 06:17 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
consider he is holding the " secret", and that this will bring it out. He's willing to do whatever to keep it from coming out and facing it. Lots of guilt involved in incest. The abuser was also the provider, the conflict is insane.

I'm not saying either way what to do just possibly why he's so adamant with his thoughts. I always advocate for the protection of children but I would certainly consult a professional about visits and boundaries. Boundaries are the key.

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