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#457445 - 12/26/13 11:44 PM self discovery
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
For the past 6 weeks I have focused on myself more than I have in 3 years. For the past 25 years, I have lost more and more of my self each day. That is no ones fault but my own. I tend to put wife, mother and career before myself. I am changing that and it feels good. I have exercised almost every single day. I have felt more peace and happiness than I have felt in 3 years. I know it has to be more than coincidence that these feelings have surfaced since the start of my exercise. With that being said, I still have my moments. I have moments of crazy. When I can't get out of my head what my husband has done, or how he continues with many of his behaviors. Wondering if he is still being unfaithful? It frustrates me when I can't get these out of my mind. I am not normally a jealous person. I have no desire to play detective with my husband. I told my therapist that I(most of the time) have no need to do that, that it disgusts me to keep tabs on him and that is acting in a way that is not me. He told me that it is ok, that if he is being unfaithful that it will come out eventually, that things have a way of coming to light. But then there is that voice, the panicky one that starts calling me a fool and how I can't ever be lied to or deceived again, that somehow I am allowing it. Ugh! How do you quiet the voice? I usually go exercise and do something for myself. It is so hard though. I also wonder am I becoming a little numb? It is a fine line between being true to yourself and avoidance. I'm tired of all the voices and energy spent on my husband.

#457481 - 12/27/13 08:01 PM Re: self discovery [Re: Brokenwife]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
This is a hard time. Do you want to quiet the voice? I am not sure that is a good goal - your voice is your intuition and it needs to be listened too, if not acted upon.

I say this because I think we need to process things - listen to the voice, and see it for what it is. Often, it is your protector coming out - saying LOOK OUT. And sometimes it is not based in the facts of what your husband is or is not doing - but rather in your own fears and traumatic experiences.

I remember resenting all of the time and energy I spent on my husband. I think it is an absolutely normal part of the process. Sounds like you are doing all of the right things for you. It is true that policing does nothing. They either get healthy and become trustworthy - or they don't. You turning yourself into someone you don't like won't impact that in the least - and you seem to know that already. wink

#457483 - 12/27/13 08:26 PM Re: self discovery [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Thank you, Esposa. I guess I just want balance. I don't necessarily want to quiet the voice, but as I learned in Alanon, I also don't want to give someone "free rent in my head" either. I don't want the obsessive voice, where all I can think of is him and what he is doing. I want to allow myself to grieve for the loss of the love I believed us to have all these years, but also not dwell in pity. I'm tired of feeling victimized, although I know I have been and I deserve to recognize those feelings. I'm tired of loving this man so much, yet also being disgusted with him at the same time. I guess the codependent personality just wants to "fix this" and have peace. Not sure if that will ever happen. I see baby steps and then big steps backwards.

#457485 - 12/27/13 08:34 PM Re: self discovery [Re: Brokenwife]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
As a survivor I know the survivor must "fix himself" and the spouse must "fix herself" in order for true balance. An when I use the word "fix" needs to be viewed in a positive way--accepting themselves, taking care of themselves, not allowing the abuse and effects to control their lives, and having mutual respect for each. It is not easy but you need to take care of yourself because if you do not take care of yourself the codependency will only deepen.

I empathize with your husband, as a survivor, but I know I controlled my healing and needed to be supported by people who accepted by struggle. Please take care of yourself because you have love for him and your heart is in the right place. Only time will tell if he has accepted control of his healing.


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