I dont like men.
NOt sex.
And i have no guys , to talk to. Not yet!

And i feel so alone w/ this.
I was going to go gay bowling thursday..
and i have only one female friend and she is convinced i am
And my one male friend ( who we almost never hang-out)
thinks i am gay.
I am sick of this.
And my dad a loser.
I dont care.
He is fucking insane.
I am so lost.
And i wish i could see my T right now.
I can use a hug.
My New Year's plans.. I dont know what to do.
Maybe i can go to an AA social.
I dont know who to talk to.
And it's Christmas..and i really dont want to hang-out
w/ my folks.
I have schizophrenia b/c of my dad, his monster members
and it is hard to care.
Has anyone out there,,
I dont want to make someone angry,
but this is so anxiety..
i dont like them
and i dont have to is so hard to be around my parents.
I wish i could pound the hell out of my dad's sister in law
Do this Goran
do that
laugh at my genitals.
Embarass me
what does this shit father of mine do w/ this shit.
I hope he dies
i dont care.
How in the world do i get thru this?
I like women , but am scared of women.
And i now know that it is a certain personality that
i can see me being with.
I know
and it is f-hard.
I cant go to these gay functions anymore
..i feel like a fake.
I dont drink.
I dont want that stuff!
..and i was just thinking now of a CSA men's group
..what if i told this to the counsellors at Men's Resource
I panic.
If a guy looked at me
the way
my dad
looked at me
when they dressed me as a girl.
When a man (or woman) isnt validated.. that is f-n scary.
It is like the world is turning away from a n innocent child.
I cant live here.
But hopefully i get a job.
I have to get into meditation.
i love you
deep i know
but nobody loved me
and i got beat up by the women
and my dad's mum is absolutle crap!
What a shitty people
and they pretend and pretend
how on Earth do they live?
And my sick brother wants me to live in the same town
as him..
Uhhuh, yea i will have him on his hands and knees crawling
to his woman.

I am mad .. i m gonna go to bed!

and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.