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#457238 - 12/22/13 09:49 PM Hurting, need support
kevin8512003 Offline

Registered: 06/13/12
Posts: 8
Hello All,

So I am very scared right now. I relapsed again on alcohol after recently receiving treatment for oxyconton abuse. My abuse was centered around alcohol. So drinking makes me depressed. I feel so stupid, but my anxiety was so high. I wanted temporarily relief for more pain later.

Also I got bloodwork done last week. The results will come soon. I am very scared that I will get bad news. I am freaking out. Any advice on how that can calm down.

Also, i have to testify against my perp and i am terrified. Knowing I have to go testify is just so stressful. And I have spent the last six months not working and deterriorating at home. PLEASE HELP

#457239 - 12/22/13 10:11 PM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I wish you all the best. You've come to the right place. MS has many guys here to offer you support and guidance.

If I may offer some words that may help. Please don't fret over the relapse. It's done. What you need to do is start with today and make the decision to start fresh. I understand about wanting to find relief from the pain and that driving your reaction. Hopefully, you can devise a plan on how to act if those feelings return and you feel the need to turn to alcohol again. Use your feelings now as motivation to be the man you want to be.

Regarding the blood work. That's out of your hands and you have to wait. Please use your time to devise a plan for handling the news. YOu can come back to MS for support. Are there friends and family you can turn to? Do you have a T or other counselor you can use if you need him?

I know that it's terrifying to testify. Please remember that you have survived and you are strong. You are doing the right thing in testifying. You are keeping others safe and you are seeing that he is receiving appropriate punishment for his crime.

Only think, talk, act as much as you can right now. It does not have to overwhelm you. You have made it this far, and you will make it farther.

You are a good man. You did not deserve the abuse. You have the strength to survive, and you have shown it. Good luck


#457249 - 12/23/13 01:36 AM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1123
Loc: Southern US
Hi Kevin,
I send you all the prayers, good thoughts and support it's possible to do through cyber space. You deserve the very best that life has to offer, and while being scared, tense and terrified is certainly understandable, that's not going to be the ultimate outcome. Reverting back to alcohol is only a step back in a long journey of many steps forward to healing. It's not who you are. Try not to be so hard on yourself. There's an old saying in baseball I heard long ago, "If you only hit one out of three, you're an allstar." And I think you're an allstar for what you've accomplished.

Being in control of the situation makes things much less stressful, but there are a couple of things you have no control over and all you can do is steel yourself for the time they do come. The results of the blood work will come as they are ready. Until then it's just wait and try to visualize a very positive report. The other thing out of your control is your testimony in court. You can only testify when they say you will, and there will probably be delays and interruptions to keep you tense and concerned. That's the only thing going for the perp in this. Truth of your testimony and demand for justice will win out only because of your bravery and willingness to report and willingness to follow through and testify. I say bravo and WELL DONE. I don't have a clue how to keep the tension and stress down when you testify, except your knowledge that you're doing the right thing for yourself and for all the other guys who will be spared the abuse you had to go through because the perp was not in prison.

Out of work can be pretty discouraging, and it doesn't take too long to rack up six months, but I hope you don't get so discouraged that you give up trying. I think it's only after completely giving up that you would be deteriorating so your description of your self isn't right. You have so many great things in the future and are doing such a brave and courageous thing in testifying that the setbacks are only challenges to be met.
All my best to you, and Good luck

Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#457253 - 12/23/13 04:08 AM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790

My heart goes out to you. The thought of testifying against the perp has to be overwhelming. For me to speak with the diocese about my abuse was devastating. I cannot totally understand the emotions you are dealing with, but do not look at your slip as permanent but rather a need to retreat to gather strength for the day when you will need to testify. You have recognized the slip, accepted it and now you must gather the internal strength to move forward. I know you have it in you.

We are here for you, and please never stop seeking support because the journey is difficult. There are many who want to deny the abuse but there are more who are here for you to be free of the perp.

Keep well and please keep us posted.


#457259 - 12/23/13 07:18 AM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Kevin --

I get the part about being scared testifying (and, for that matter, bloodwork).

I guess what I'd share at this point is that you don't know what other forces are at work on all those issues, therefore, first things first.

At the time I came on MS, a WHOLE year-and-a-half ago, I was faced with fighting my deceased perp's school, diocese, etc. I'm also an HIV survivor of over 21 years. And, at that point, my health was in a steady decline that would continue for several months until I got on new meds.

Simply, I was beyond stressed and the last thing I felt I had was the stamina to face a flight and a court date, if any. And this is what I mean by "you never know": a therapist referred me to a doc (for another health issue, shingles) who referred me to an HIV protocol. It seems this year has been meant primarily for health issues, including a heart attack four months ago, plus a heartbreaking loss of two feline buddies (one of 'em 16).

In the meantime, many my CSA issues have had to go on the back burner just so I can function day-to-day. My 2.

Best I can do is simply echo the other Kevin's thot to keep posting...whatever ups or downs you have.

#457273 - 12/23/13 05:05 PM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2842
Hi, Kevin -

What the others have said - Dave, CJ, Kevin and Lancer - is so true and right on the money. I have little to add to the intelligent and hopefully helpful thoughts already shared - just my own note of support, adding another voice in the chorus of support for you.

I can understand being terrified to testify. I thought I would have to do that when I was thirteen and remember being way beyond just scared - I was absolutely panicked at the thought of sharing with the world the details of the liberties and intimacies my molester indulged me in. I was crying, literally crying - and I got my way. They never took this guy to court.

Be careful what you wish for...

I look back on that and am 100% on the other side of the issue. I wish I had testified. It would have been painful. I would have been physically ill I'm certain. But I can think of no better way to truly get on with one's life than to publicly place the shame where it belongs. If I had put him away, who knows who else may have been spared the unspeakable secrets of carnality and shame I still carry myself.

So perhaps it might help you to know that as scary as testifying seems to be, there is at least one here - and I suspect many more - who looks back and prays the impossible wish - the opportunity you have. I wish I could change my past to have the future you have. As terrifying as it may be.

#457280 - 12/23/13 09:17 PM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
thepatient Offline

Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
Hey brother,

I'm 26 and dealt with alcohol addiction too. Do you have anyone who you trust to call whenever you feel the cravings? It can be useful to contact a trustworthy person whenever you're dealing with potential relapse; it helps to hold yourself accountable to someone. If not, then try to practice a calming or "mindfulness" technique. Do a simple meditation, or write down your worries and understand which ones you can or can't change(and if you can, which ones you can't change this instant so don't worry about it now). A good one for me is to remember the kind of person I am when under the influence of any substance. I become a belligerent, hostile, and sometimes lecherous asshole. It's very painful and humbling, but it helps me remember who I don't want to be.

Feel free to pm me anytime.

Edited by thepatient (12/23/13 09:18 PM)
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

#457282 - 12/23/13 10:00 PM Re: Hurting, need support [Re: kevin8512003]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i will send you all the spiritual good will i can.
if only i could do more.
i don't know you, kevin8512003, but i care about you.
i want to see you get through this, around this, and over this.
you are a survivor.
protect yourself at all times.
keep your lines of communication open.
please keep me posted.
examine all your options.
apply your priorities.
make your decisions.
take your actions.
do your best.




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