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#458600 - 01/14/14 10:39 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
hey sam wise
you were abused and that is what happened. if it began as playful exploration then that is what that was but the two are not expressly tied together. once force became involved you lost your ability to even have any perception of play.It is easier for us to accept that as children we have NO ability to stop the abuser that we are easily manipulated or overpowered. but it is just as true that we really have no ability to say yes. the choice is not real in any meaningful sense of the word. I hope that you can soon be free of those feelings man and let the guilt rest where it should
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#458603 - 01/14/14 11:15 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: newground]
Greg56 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 162
Loc: Upstate NY

Edited by Greg56 (01/18/14 06:55 PM)
"I am here...they are not...I own my strength and power...they do not"

#458630 - 01/15/14 04:41 AM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Your fellow survivors are correct above, it will not be "normal". The secret of others in real life around you Sam and Greg is that most are "non abused". They did not have to feel the trauma and extreme emotions we have to struggle with, the uncertainty, the revictimization, the destruction.

The road to living "abused-but-thriving" is a long road taking many months. You are on the right path, please consider a Weekend of Recovery and the Healing Circles here in chat on Wednesday nights. We have good resources in our library on the main page, books that show the path, however you have come upon it and at whatever age or ability, to thriving.

It is a marathon with checkpoints, not a sprint.

Welcome Sam and Greg,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#458640 - 01/15/14 12:56 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: SamV]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2973
Originally Posted By: SamV
The secret of others in real life around you Sam and Greg is that most are "non abused".

This statement from SamV says much that is true. In fact, it may be the biggest truth I have learned on this journey. You cannot carry a steamer trunk full of secrets on your back through your entire childhood without it deeply affecting almost every aspect of your life. The paradox, however, is that it became such an every day thing for so many of us. For me the summer I turned thirteen went like this: wake up, brush my teeth, go to school, play some sandlot baseball until it was too dark to see the ball, then listen to the older boy schmooze my mom into letting her little boy (me!) camp out with him in the back yard.

It was just every day. And they become your normal. The things I had to acquiesce to in that tent would blow your mind - they should blow my mind. As I told my therapist the play-by-play, I remember being taken aback by the shock I saw in his eyes. And to me, it was just my "normal" - no big deal. It was only with the help of a good therapist that I was able to look back and see what a sham I had created of my life just to avoid stepping on all the landmines.

It's like finally looking in a mirror and seeing yourself for the first time. I did ...what? I did ...that? And then I ...walked away? There was this movie I saw years ago with Jeff Bridges, about a guy who survived the crash of an airliner. He walks through this surreal landscape of wreckage and blood, rents a car, checks into a hotel and doesn't tell a soul.

How many of us were like that? How many of us are in that weird club of shared experience that actually understands that?

#458642 - 01/15/14 01:19 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
manofwisdom Offline

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Minnesota, USA
Hello Sam,

My wife also is a sexual abuse survivor and our blind daughter was sexually abused at the Minnesota State School for the Blind. All my family knows of my abuse, also. So I partially know what you are going through.

I want to encourage you in your pursuit of wholeness and healing. You find much support and encouragement here at MS.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings to you and your family,


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