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#457004 - 12/18/13 04:34 PM Existential Crisis
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
Why the fuck do I even bother? I have so many problems. Every time I make some progress on one of them, one of the others will destroy everything I worked so hard to build. This has probably happened a dozen times. I have a hearing loss, an eating disorder, PTSD for reasons I'm sure are obvious since I'm posting here, depression, and a hip that needs to be replaced from an old car accident. My dog died. I totaled my car. My computer fucking died. I'm an alcoholic who smokes two packs a day. I've been unemployed and living as parasite from my parents for fucking years. I've never known any kind of independence. When I finally managed to find a job in my field about a month ago, I got fired for reasons that weren't specified. Just when I suddenly actually had the nerve to hope for something better. There's more, thats just what I can remember off the top of my head.

It just seems I never leave 'fix it' mode. Nothing ever makes any difference. I've been to therapy. I've been to rehab. It just never seems to fucking matter. I try to gain some independence and be self supporting, and this shit fucking happens. I fucking hate this world.

#457012 - 12/18/13 05:53 PM Re: Existential Crisis [Re: InsideTheWall]
MarkH Offline

Registered: 11/19/13
Posts: 15
Loc: Florida/Maine
Inside..I am so sorry to read how much you are suffering right now. I encourage you to vent all you need to on the site. We will listen. I wish I had words of wisdom right now. But perhaps you just need to be heard?

I'm listening with a warm hug for you! Please hang in there!

#457055 - 12/19/13 04:28 AM Re: Existential Crisis [Re: InsideTheWall]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England

I wish I could promise that it will all get better, but those would just be empty words. What I can tell you is that I have been where you are. Hopeless, at a dead end, everything gone wrong. Alot of those situations have NOT gotten better. But I have and am learning how to deal with the shit when it happens better. Without medicating myself with drugs and alcohol. And without just running away from the problem.

It took losing nearly everything to start to accept that I had a problem that I was not able to fix. And no human effort could help me. There is another way, and I am finally finding some peace with a good therapist and frequenting the rooms of AA.

I hope that you can keep trying until the miracle happens.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#457060 - 12/19/13 06:06 AM Re: Existential Crisis [Re: InsideTheWall]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I get it ITW. Don't know that I have an answer except it sounds like we're riding in the same boat a lot. Often have the same feelings, some days better than others. Problems are somewhat different (HIV, heart attack, losing two beloved cats since Aug, dead end on a lot of projects). And, honestly, when this shit comes up, I don't get it. I don't get why I seem to be singled out.

Particularly on projects, I seem to be completely ignored by many potential clients. Good portfolio, plenty of web exposure, decades of experience, (hell) intelligent and literate. I don't get it. It's like I'm invisible. It's like I don't exist. It must be something about me, but I don't know what.

Same with the HIV. Especially this past year, just as one infection is addressed and healing, another one pops up. Going thru another one of those bouts (though minor) right now.

And the MS guys know I get damned sick and tired of it. And so sick and tired, I really just want to give up on the whole thing. Particularly when I'm hit by more than one of these things at once. Sometimes two, three or four.

So, I don't have an answer ITW. For some stupid reason I just keep on. Maybe it's because I don't know how to do anything else and I can't deal with the alternative.

Stupid answer, huh?

#457061 - 12/19/13 07:01 AM Re: Existential Crisis [Re: InsideTheWall]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6381
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell.
     ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

"Diamonds are only lumps of coal that stuck to their jobs."
     ~ Bertie Charles Forbes

It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.
     ~ Charles Darwin

"Move like a beam of light: fly like lightning, strike like thunder, whirl in circles around a stable center."
     ~ Morihei Ueshiba

You are Flexible as Steel.
You are Hard as Diamond.
You are a Survivor!
You are the Center, Inside The Wall.


#457064 - 12/19/13 10:39 AM Re: Existential Crisis [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6381
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
'Wisdom is ofttimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar."
     ~ William Wordsworth

"It's hard to soar when you're feeling sore."
     ~ Jean~Guy Joseph Brien Clement




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