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#456889 - 12/16/13 08:54 PM Dealing With Husband's Abuse
Snowflake Offline

Registered: 12/09/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada

This is my first post on this site. I wanted my husband to come here but he never did. He told me about his abuse a few months ago after I caught him talking to men on a gay pornography site (I am female-and he is least I thought he was...I don't know). It was very hard to deal with (I am personally very liberal when it comes to sexuality, but I guess a little old fashioned when it comes to my significant other...)
I also was concerned at the time I found out that he had been cheating g on me with men, but seems he wasn't. I remembered learning about male sexual abuse victims and the possibility of them having confusion over their sexual orientation and thought maybe that was what was going on because he said he's never been with a man and doesn't want to be with one. He just got turned on by it and liked the attention. It's hard for me to understand because I feel like I give him lots of's him who doesn't give me much attention.

I also wanted him to go to counseling because he drinks a lot and I feel he needs to deal with his past. But he won't go. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. When he's drinking we have gotten in some bad fights (nothing physical). I get to the point though when he starts drinking that I get scared...I'm worried his anger will one day escalate and it will get physical. I've told him this but it doesn't seem to stop him from drinking.

I guess I am here because there are so many things about our relationship that worry me. I try to talk to him but he puts up a wall. There are so many things about him and the way his with me that I wonder are because of the abuse. He's not very affectionate. He was in the beginning-always holding my hand, cuddling etc...but now he hardly touches me. He doesn't kiss me or hug me when he comes home or in the morning. He never randomly does either. And we don't have sex very often...once a week if I'm lucky but usually once every two weeks. I want it more. I guess too because when we have sex it actually feels like he wants me. I don't feel wanted most of the time. He does do things for me-which I know are a guy's way of showing they care about you -like scraping my car off in the morning when we've had snow. But other than that I don't feel desired at all. I know this sounds so selfish. I guess I'm just scared that he really doesn't care about me and wonder if any other wives have felt this way?

More than anything it kills me to know he went through the abuse and still lives with it. He also suffered from physical and emotional abuse from his mother and grandmother and wAs sexually abused by a close male family member-how do you ever get over that? I love him so much...but feel so often that there's part of him I'll never know.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

#456944 - 12/17/13 11:14 AM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Welcome to the boards, Snowflake! I don't have any big insights to offer, but I'll try to answer anyway. I have felt unwanted. Not necessarily uncared for, my husband makes it clear that he cares for me. But wanted as in sexually attractive? That's rare. There is the occasional passionate kiss and I'm grateful for that. But that's about his capacity for real intimacy. In my personal opinion, that's where porn comes in for many survivors: it is safe, because it doesn't need intimacy and emotions. Might be the case for your husband. But I'll let the guys answer the the question about that as well as about the drinking. They have better insights than me I'm sure.

#457044 - 12/19/13 02:45 AM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi Snowflake - Your post resonates so much with me as I remember being new to the process and feeling very much like you are feeling.

Have you ever attended an al-anon meeting? Or maybe read Codependent No More? I really recommend that because you have a right to set boundaries and have expectations. Those bells going off in your head are real and valid and need a response, if not from him, then definitely from you. When a person is hurt and not in recovery, the greatest gift you can give them are firm boundaries. Yes, he was abused, but that does not give him the right to abuse you - and the only person who can set those terms are you. He does need support - and he will eventually (hopefully) get there. And so do you wink

#457045 - 12/19/13 02:45 AM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
Sam Wise Offline

Registered: 07/26/13
Posts: 5
Loc: MI
Hello snowflake

As a husband who struggles with intimacy I want to say thank you for caring and for trying to help your husband and for sticking it out this far. I know pornography and fantasy life can compound the issues. I hate the pain I cause my wife , my heart breaks for her even if I don't express it. What I could use most is more safety. If I knew she would love me and not get more hurt and not judge my struggling I think I would try to share more with her and year down my walls. I'm just beginning the journey of dealing with my abuse and marriage issues, hopefully more experienced women and men will share what's helped them

Best of luck!
like in the great stories.. Full of darkness and danger. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, itís only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

#457102 - 12/20/13 03:07 AM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Welcome: you will find support here. I will never forget when I told my wife. I was a mess. Each man is different both in what happened and because we are all different. In my case I went for years not dealing with it. I had most of the classic issues, anger, depression, suicide. My wife was very understanding and helpful. She is the one that got me into therapy. I was ready, some are not, I was sick of the depression, and for the most part a very easy going man. What I learned was that there were other men who had a similar experience. This was a surprise to me. In therapy I learned that I was not all that different. I could move on. A lot of my issues with sex, anger, acting out was just a way that I was trying to control things in my life to make up for the time I could not control what was done to me. The last thought is that I was trying to look back at what happened and judge my actions then thru the eyes of an adult. I was not at that time. I was a child it was all orchestrated by the perp. I was deceived, groomed, prepubescent. The perp, was a selfish, self serving, whack pervert. Please also take care of yourself, I suggest you also do much reading and also see a therapist who is experience in male sexual abuse. I will pray for you and your man. It is a journey and takes time, willingness, work.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#457292 - 12/24/13 02:36 AM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
Snowflake Offline

Registered: 12/09/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
Thank you all for your replies. It seemed like things were getting better but he got drunk again. And he never touches me anymore but blames me for that and says I never touch him which is a pile of crap. Whatever. I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. Anyway thanks again.

#458102 - 01/06/14 06:00 PM Re: Dealing With Husband's Abuse [Re: Snowflake]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
If he refuses to seek help, why would you stay?

Misery would follow.

We can have a normal life. I feel I have a normal life and touch my wife pretty regularly. Although I also did quit drinking. Using drink to cover pain does not work well.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.


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