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#456848 - 12/15/13 01:01 PM Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING*
GenusSalix Offline

Registered: 12/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Australia
TW: drugs, incest, older sister/younger brother,

Hi guys, this is my first time posting here so I hope I'm doing this right! I'm sorry if this is a little hard to follow and a bit long-winded, I'm not much of an author but I'd really appreciate it if any advice could be given. smile

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 22, we have been together for almost 2 1/2 years now. I always had my suspicions that he had suffered some kind of abuse/trauma as he has some anger issues, was using hard drugs from the age of 13 (meth, pills, weed etc) until I met him, has a very low opinion of women, had never had a relationship other than casual sex before me, has an unusually high tolerance of pain, usually hated being touched.
His family seemed very nice (very middle class, two parent home.. pretty much the perfect atomic family) and had always given the impression he was a good little boy until the age of 11 or 12 when he started to become very angry and hard to manage seemingly overnight, which further caused me to assume he has suffered in some way.

After some gentle encouragement my partner (we'll call him BB) explained to me that he was sexually abused by his older sister for sometime around the ages of 10 to 11. His sister (SS) is 3 years older than him, making SS around 13-14 when the abuse began.

BB explained to me that SS would occasionally come into BB's room a night and would molest him. BB never went into any details other then that he had told SS to stop more than once and that they never had intercourse.
From what little BB has said this happened more than 5 or 6 times.
I am the only person he has ever told.
As another odd side note, BB lost his virginity at age 13 or 14 to one of SS's friends when she was having a sleep over one night. BB says this was consensual but does get very tense whenever the issue is raised and has mentioned how odd he thinks it is that a 16/17 year old girl would want to sleep with such a young boy (BB was always a skinny, lanky late bloomer too, which I think makes it more odd). I assume that SS would have known what her friend was doing with BB, as teenage girls cant keep secrets and love to gossip, making me more suspicious.

BB's sister is now 25 and lives a few suburbs away. We see SS every few weeks when BB's family has dinner and they occasionally talk on the phone. They have a 'good' relationship. The topic has never been brought up by either of them. BB says he doesn't want to confront his sister as it will hurt his parents and destroy the family, and that he has mostly forgiven his sister.
I know I should take him at his word, but he has admitted he doesn't like to think about it a it makes him angry and uncomfortable, and he would like to know why she did it and if she perhaps had been abused.

I struggle very much with begin around his sister now as I can't stand the thought of the pain she has caused him. To me the biggest point is her age at the beginning of the abuse.
13 is definitely old enough to know her actions were wrong.
SS has also worked in the mental health system since leaving high school and has much knowledge and experience with trauma and abuse victims. It bothers me so much that SS could see her brother becoming a meth addicted alcoholic at the age of 14 and did nothing to suggest him help with all the resources she had available. I know that through her studies, SS would have been aware her abuse caused BB's anguish resulting in addiction.
Also, his parents hold much blame and guilt as they think something in their parenting went wrong to cause his problems.

Sorry to digress there, but I guess I just want to know:
- Should I encourage BB to seek professional help as this is obviously still effecting him?
- If he won't seek help, how should I support him?
- If anyone else has experienced being molested by their older sister, what can/should I do? I can't find much reading material about this particular kind of abuse.
- Should he confront his sister, if so, how?
- Has anyone confronted their older sibling abuser before?

And I feel very selfish asking this, but how should I act around his sister? How can I get my anger for her in check?! She makes my blood boil.

Sorry this was too long, I hope you understand. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply! smile

#456849 - 12/15/13 02:51 PM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Welcome and sorry that you have to be here - but these are great questions and you will get helpful answers from the men.

From my viewpoint, you are fortunate in that you are both young and he trusts you enough to talk to you. Cherish that because it is quite valuable.

From personal experience, I know what it is like to have to be around my husband's abuser. And I did go through a period where my blood boiled and I didn't know if I could contain myself. But I quickly learned that this was not my job - my job was to stand in support of my survivor as he worked his way through that relationship. My adding anger was not productive so I urge you to find your own support (here and in therapy) to make sure that you don't project your feelings into their relationship. It's so hard!!! But the process of recovery is unfortunately accepting that the past cannot be changed and making peace with certain things - and an enraged partner sometimes can make the path to peace difficult.

I have a 13 year old and I would like to believe that he would know better - but the fact of the matter is that he is a child and so was your BFs sister. You are all right to wonder what she experienced that made her act out that way. Doing that may help you develop the compassion you need in order to support your BF.

Bring your difficult feelings here - you will find a great deal of support.

#456860 - 12/15/13 11:34 PM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
GenusSalix Offline

Registered: 12/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Australia
Thank you for your kind response smile
I would never act out or insinuate anything to his sister, I understand how important it is to stay loyal to my partners wishes. Did your partner ever confront his abuser? If so, how did that pan out? I am very curious as in my family abuse was confronted, taken very seriously, things were very tough for many years but eventually healed. That seems to be the general story from many people I know who have experienced abuse in their family, I guess I'd like to show my partner that no matter what he thinks, this won't 'destroy his family'.
What sorts of things did you do to cope with and help yourself 'get over' the anger you were feeling?

On the subject of SS's age when the abuse began, I guess I am a little harsh, I know I am very bias with the situation. Where I am from most people start high school at 13, and I have a 13 year old sister, and remember how I was when I was younger. I know girls mature faster than boys and SS was always very intellectually gifted. I remember being sexually aware when I was that age. I understand 13 still very young and not an adult, I guess I am of the opinion that at 13, concepts of right and wrong, good and bad and body ownership are well established.
Are most people of a similar opinion?

If she has been abused I have all the sympathy and understanding in the world for her.

Sorry I feel like I keep ranting on and I hope I don't some across as rude at all, I have known about the abuse for over 8 months now and it had been hard not having anyone to talk to. This is very cathartic!!

#456861 - 12/16/13 12:25 AM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi genux Salix,

I fell also bad that you are here and what hapend to your boyfriend. You can ask me what ever you want so i can help you and also your boyfriend. What i see in your questions is that you are angry and mad at the sister of your boyfriend, that is because you rely love your boyfriend and him to most because he share whit you something real devastated for him and he was and still is powerlest. Try to keep cool for him he will tell you what he wants to do. O know it can be real hard for you to do and trust him but in imself he as the answers.

As for consoling yes it would be a great idied to consult boot of you.

Your boyfriend is scare to distroy the love that he as a bit of is parents because he is a boy (man) that is why he keeps a lid on to open up about is abuse. If it was a girl it would be more tolarated and she wuold be more proetcted about the love of her parents.

As a sociaty we think diferentely for boy and for girls heven if we are in 2013. It is still very tabou. I dont know how autalein sociaty thinks about boys beain abuse sexualy.

if you want to read my story maybe it can helo you a bit.

Feel free to read to my stuff.

Take care and i hug you also your boyfriend,


#456862 - 12/16/13 12:30 AM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
You are very well balance, dont worried about that, what you are going traught is very normal. Trust me.

Whit friendship


#456863 - 12/16/13 12:43 AM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
GenusSalix Offline

Registered: 12/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Australia
Thank you Jean-Pierre.

Yes I understand that being abused causes enough guilt, shame and confusion as it is, an unfortunately there is still very much a stigma that 'men don't get abused', or that it makes one 'less of a man' if he has been abused.
I think this gets even worse when a man is abused by a woman.

Because his abuser was a woman, does this mean I should approach the topic differently? Are there certain things I should say or do particularly because of this fact?
It is very hard to find information on men who have been molested by their sisters, all the information is focused on women who've been abused by men.

#456881 - 12/16/13 04:37 PM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
congratulations: Two things you have come to a place of support and understanding. Second, you man has showed great trust in you he must care about you deeply. I would suggest that you both find a therapist who has experience with male sexual abuse. I can only guess that it is different for a women perp. Mine was a male. So I assume some of the effects are different. I am sure that some of the effects are the same however. I would also suggest several books to help you both. "Victims no longer" by Mike Lew. "If the Man you Love was Abused by Marie H. Browne. I wish you all the best in your and his journey
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#458101 - 01/06/14 05:55 PM Re: Boyfriend abused by his sister *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: GenusSalix]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I think you are normal. The first person I shared my abuse with was a woman in AA I knew and trusted. She pointed out that I had expressed no anger toward my abuser. It is all confused in our heads about that. She said he was a sick bastard. I had honestly never thought that. I have not told my wife yet. She is a southern girl, and has a temper, especially about family. She could potentially do great harm the person. No kidding.

The ages of him and his sister are close. Not sure of the friendship dynamic there. I probably adds to the guilt and confusion if he got an erection during the course of all of it. Our bodies respond, like it or not. We can be confused and betrayed. He probably feels partially to blame? I had to get it in my head that it was not my fault, I could not consent at 8 yrs old.

Keep on talking. Trust is built over time. It sounds like you are on the way.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.


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