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#456845 - 12/15/13 11:46 AM Re: Mom seeking insight from male survivors [Re: amom]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio

Very good post and topic. You are very spot on and asking insight from male survivors is very good. You have female friends who were abused but there are differences.

As to the 7yo. A couple of things come to mind. Seldom do 7 year old boys act that directly without having learned the behavior. That means he has been abused. While not proof positive, the father's reaction to "keep it quiet" raises a red flag. Think about it. Would your reaction be "keep it quiet" or would it be, "why is my son doing these things, where did he get that from". Another possibility is the 7yo has gotten into a porn cache. Going to the authorities will allow a proper investigation to be done. Not too many prisons for 7yos BUT, if there is no intervention that is very possible.

Myself, I was abused possibly from infancy. I got an older boy in trouble for being sexual with me and the truth is I was very aggressive and the initiator. He was reluctant. Point is that what I was doing was not out of the blue but was an important indicator that I needed help badly. The situations and effects got much worse later on.

As for your son, the good news is that there are risk factors for the consequences to be severe or not. Those risk factors include length of time of the abuse, whether the child is believed when it is discovered, the parent's reaction (loving and accepting or punitive, shame and blaming them), the quality of counseling (you have the RIGHT and RESPONSIBILITY to pull the plug on any therapist you do not believe is helping your son). I pulled the plug on several therapists as an adult attempting to deal with it.

Another thing, do not go into whether gay sex is wrong, evil or whatever. At this age he is not making decisions, etc. I am a conservative Christian but Bible thumping your son over this can cause a whole host of ills and conflicts.

Your son will definitely need additional guidance, love and BOUNDARIES set in a loving, non-judgmental but firm way.

Got to go but will post more later.

Edited by catfish86 (12/15/13 11:48 AM)
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#456851 - 12/15/13 04:29 PM Re: Mom seeking insight from male survivors [Re: amom]
PoeThePanda Offline

Registered: 10/24/12
Posts: 25
Loc: Ontario
I agree with everything that is being said here and would like to add my two cents from my experience.

All the supporting structures are great and will be great for his mental health, but one thing I strongly recommend is to allow him to continue being a kid, he's going to be a kid for a long time and don't for a second doubt the resilience of 5 year old. I was four when....yeah.

I think, my mom always knew about my csa so was over protective, and she still is with my younger brothers. I advise that you put enough energy in pretending it didn't happen, not in a bad way though but a way that emphasizes that life goes on and is wonderful. It's the multitudes of great experiences with non-perpetrators that encourage healing. I guess what I'm saying is don't forget to let the kid play, make a quiet fuss without distracting him from all the good things in life.

It will get bumpy, the pain tends to creep up on you years later, and mothers always know when to help, and when to let the boy suffer, persevere, conquer and emerge a man. Encourage him to do things that will bring him out of his shell all throughout his life.

I'd write more, but like others here, I get angrier with every letter typed.

Watch him grow, with a mom like you, there'll be more good than bad moments.

All the best amom.
Quiet the noises
And leave your ears free to hear
What is going on,
Right Here.

Do not cower in fear
For when the morning rays mate with the leaves
Through your eyes it will be clear,
That there was actually nothing to fear.

#456920 - 12/17/13 04:21 AM Re: Mom seeking insight from male survivors [Re: amom]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
As I reread the thread, the boy's family really sticks out like a sore thumb and, yes, it's time to get any authority you can involved, imo. Not just for the sake of your son, but for the sake of the other kid as well.

As it did with Catfish, the father's reaction raises a lot of red flags. His son would be "stigmatized"? From this survivor's POV, that's an awfully shallow, selfish reaction. It sounds contrived. Something's going on in that household. (If it helps, it became your business when the other boy crossed the line with your son).

You may have a tough road ahead. I won't kid you. You're upsetting the status quo by taking a stand for your son. Some people won't "approve" of what you do - in my experience, churches and schools are notorious for this - preferring to sweep it under the carpet. Again, imo, those with that mindset are not your friends in this. But, much the same as you'd tell your son I'll tell you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Meanwhile, I'll restate what others have said. Let your son have his friends, his activities, his interests...and his fun. What little I had of that in my childhood (Dad and his second wife) has today, many decades later, kept me going at my worst moments. The people who blew me off (including one self-absorbed woman who had custody of me and who I call the Mommybitch) are irrelevant in my life because they ignored me, minimized and constantly invalidated my pain. They caused a lot of damage - setting me up for my CSA and then not giving a damn - a great deal of which I've never been able to overcome.

Consequently, again, take my thots with a grain of salt. I'm not at all objective.

#456928 - 12/17/13 06:39 AM Re: Mom seeking insight from male survivors [Re: amom]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
I encourage you to ask this question of the psychology professionals here on the MS site. They're extraordinarily knowledgeable. Otherwise, we will all give you conflicting suggestions, our opinions based on our own set of experiences and life filters.
Without a doubt, speak with a psychologist who specializes in the field. Perhaps it would be best to first meet with one on your own without your son. My guess is, a good therapist will help you address and manage the issue without compounding it with unnecessary and more traumatic drama.

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