I had an expose' sort of conversation with a friend today. I told of the oral assault 5 years ago. I heard all the questions I thought I would hear and they didn't upset, they didn't set me back, and I didn't become offended or angered. Questions and comments such as you are a big guy, how could that have happened? Why did you stay? Didn't you know he was like this? Was that really rape? Did you challenge him? …..each of my responses was followed by another comment or question.
My final answer was actually the final truth. The truth as I understand it, as it seems, any of the experts I have read understand. I looked at the friend (male) and said, "It doesn't matter how many questions you ask, how many responses I give, it will never make sense. Rape will never be logical. You (or me) will never understand. This (me) is what rape leaves behind. It has given certain odd behaviors that I can't explain, don't want, but are a part of me. Rape has given me a new me. I am in the process of modifying, but this is now me."
I make no apologies for recognizing the new me. No apologies for withdrawing from a friendly pat. No apologies for watching my surroundings, and on and on. Today was a good day and permitted me to verbalize some of my thoughts regarding the effects of rape. Not in the context of victimization, but in the real world, long term effect. The survival experience, if you will. And I suppose that leaves me as a survivor. A survivor of rape. God, that last statement still breaks my heart. Okay, men. Onward, upward, and hugs to all.
Edited by ThisMan (12/14/13 11:35 PM)
Edit Reason: finished the title
For now we see through a glass, darkly.