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#456449 - 12/09/13 08:14 AM your light
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves who are we to be brilliant, talented, gorgeous, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? …
As we let our own light shine unconsciously we give others permission to do the same.

Marianne Williamson

I would love to hear of your light that you we so afraid to let out. CSA keeps that light in where it illuminates nothing.

My fear was being the outcast, but by trying so hard NOT to lose, I could also never win. I have found that the opposite is true, losing fear of the loss of acceptance of others has been such a weight off. The other dad's from my son's baseball team never treated me any differently. One I have know for years who know's my story found the courage to tell me about his own CSA. He just said " I never planned to tell you but you are always so open and unjudging
( bad umpiring excluded) that I just thought I could" ! A very cool moment in this recovery process.

Light is scary, but so much easier to shine than to hold.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#456451 - 12/09/13 11:45 AM Re: your light [Re: 1lifenow]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1065
Loc: Southern US
Hi 1lifenow,

That is indeed a cool moment. Thanks for sharing it.

Having someone open up and trust you enough to tell their darkest secret of CSA is really awesome. We become aware once again, if nothing else, we are not alone in all this.

I'm not sure I completely understand Marianne Williamson's take on the fear within us being the light, not the darkness. For so long I think one of my biggest fears was that someone was going to find out about my dark past and see how really weak I was for not fighting back. I was actually glad when I could bring it all to the surface - to the light, so to speak, and not try to deal with it from the shadows, and alone. Someone on the MS site has as a signature, which I think is so true and I really like "Abuse happens in the dark, but healing happens in the light." Have I missed her point? Is fear of the light the same as healing in the light?

And by the way, I still say I was safe by a mile. He didn't lay a glove on me at second. smile

Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#456473 - 12/09/13 08:20 PM Re: your light [Re: 1lifenow]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA
1ln, so true, light is scary. For me, light means to be engaged in life and to pursue your dreams. To really be present and show that you care and that you matter is something frightening too. I don't quite know why, but it is.

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#456482 - 12/09/13 10:56 PM Re: your light [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
thanks CJ

I take it to mean the fear of success, the fear of taking steps away from the safety of silence, letting the "what ifs" control us and stopping cuz we default to the worst case scenario. Sorta like "what's the point?"

Yes CSA happens in the dark and bringing it to light is positive. Healing does happen as best i can understand when we:
- understand we are not alone in this experience
- can be accepted by ourselves and others despite what we went through
- don't let the CSA paint everything going forward

I think its the last point, shining takes risk. It is the natural fear of losing any contacts we have no matter how tenuous and maladaptive. Cuz the jump into the unknown brings both the spotlight to us and the fear of loss of attachment that in survivors has already been altered.

I hope that makes sense,

The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#456561 - 12/11/13 02:03 AM Re: your light [Re: 1lifenow]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south

I like her quote. There is a great deal of truth in the words.

The fear of the self-light she refers to has kept me in the dark for a lifetime. It wasn't until a bit over a year ago when I made a conscious attempt to step out of the darkness did I realize how bright my light would be shining. I was terrified over the decades someone would find out how deeply I was wounded, how much experience I had had as a kid sexually- even if it were abuse. How embarrassed I was to admit I might have good looks, or be talented, or just to be me. I avoided the spotlight. On the few occasions I stepped into the light with something positive, my family would immediately downplay or smack me back to accepted position in the shadows. Professionally, I avoided and ran from opportunities of leadership- and I would have been tremendous.

But its not too late. I like my light and when I think of those of darkness that have fallen and are falling away from my life as a result of standing in the light, finally ME believing in ME… well, I just get all squirrely about it. The light is good. Always good.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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