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#456327 - 12/08/13 02:09 AM Switch
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I've been working so hard at staying present
and even harder at making you think
I am

Lying about how often I don't remember
How often Monday night turns to Thursday morning
How often I bite the inside of my cheek
Pinch myself
Tap my foot on the ground
Clawing at internal consciousness

I hope you don't notice how often I leave conversations
How many times I pull the car over because
I don't drive yet
My flip answers aren't due to arrogance or being an asshole
Rather utter confusion
What were we talking about?

I hope you know that I would do anything to make this easier for you

I shake my head and look down to the right
My therapist told me so
I shake my head like I'm trying to clear blurring vision
A last ditch attempt to retain the self I call myself

It's like
The moment you light up a cigarette three years after you quit
Or spiking a vein after 6 months clean
Utter relief followed by latent regret

Truth is
It's hard to be out here

But I'm sorry

I'm sorry you came home today
To a home health care nurse looking concerned
Looking at
Your 35 year old partner in a ball on the couch
Hands over his head, duck and cover

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Please don't

I'm sorry you have to say my name with a question mark

I'm sorry I'm not wood or steel or iron
But water

And I will keep biting my cheek
And lying
And I will scream

I'm sorry

I will tie myself together like we're
Prisoners tied the mast of a pirate ship
Back to back

Hold on boys,
We're taking on water

#456367 - 12/08/13 01:59 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Another shitty night
I'm scared of where this is going

It feels like a one way ticket to
A gurney in emerg
Fight or flight kicking in
Nurses repeating
I need you to calm down Ben
Take a deep breath
You need to stop

Even once
You're in the hospital, sweetheart
You don't have to fight here

I remember that nurse

I'm scared of where this is going
Ending in soft restraints
Hands holding you down
Ankles and wrists
Hips and forehead
Strapped down
And hearing someone screaming
And wondering what the problem is
Before you realize it's you

I don't like being held down
I slip in and out of time like this
Faces change
My heart races and races
I can't stop yelling

The cold swab on your arm
I'm sorry don't do that
Something like that
Fade to black

See you in a couple weeks


I'm trying to avoid that

But today I can stop shaking

I'm so tired of this

#456391 - 12/08/13 06:45 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4230
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
bey - i am really, really hoping that this last post is a poem about a memory of something that happened in the past - and not where you are now. if it is something in the past - you describe it very well - and i feel for you. if it is present - i hope it does not come to this. is there anything you can do - someone who can help - that has worked for you before? sending you all the support and good wishes i can muster,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#456407 - 12/08/13 09:06 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
thanks lee
things aren't so great right now, but ya i mean i have a partner, good friends, people watching out for me. doctors too. just tired of feeling like i am circling the drain.
but thanks

#456416 - 12/08/13 10:07 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 971
Loc: Canada
((( bey )))

I've visited where you are ... emotionally and physically.
My situation wasn't nearly as bad as yours ...
my addictions of a different kind ...
but what does that matter ?!
The feelings are the same.

I didn't go to them ... they came for me.
Two RCMP in my kitchen ... sent by my frantic workmates ...
two men in white ...
a sharp stab despite my loud vocal objections ...
and a long blurry ride to a bright room ...
vague forms surrounding me ... like some kind of alien abduction.
Calming words and soothing reassurances ...
as I struggled desperately against the straps holding me down.
"Let me go! Let me go! ... I promise I won't do it again ... please let me go!"
A new figure came into focus ... a strong warm hand slipped into mine ...
the stricken eyes of my doctor ...
and a shrieking voice ...
"Don't call my Mother! ... Don't call my Mother! ...
and the answer ...
"I won't."
and darkness.
Then my Psychiatrist.
A few days later ... Sunday evening ... my ex Malcolm ...
a nurse at the hospital ...
was allowed to take me home ... only long enough to make 2 phone calls.
The demand to make those calls was the only thing that sent me into a frenzy
and I refused to make them from the hospital ... paranoid over call display.
I cheerfully told my Mom and Sis that I was going to Europe for a few weeks
and I'd call when I got home.
That was not in the least bit unusual so they asked no questions.

I was there a month ... and stabilized with a host of medications.
Against the forceful advise of my shrink and my doctor
I absolutely refused to sign consent forms for ECT.

I begged Malcolm not to tell anyone and as far as I know he didn't.
Nobody knows.

I don't know why I'm telling you this ... I don't talk about it ...
but I hope you know that I understand.

With love

Experience is a brutal teacher.

#456417 - 12/08/13 10:26 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/29/13
Posts: 201
Bey I know the feelings and they are the worse. Coming back from them is even harder keep at there is a life after detestation. I spent a month in hospital for mental evaluation and shit I did I was at rock bottom and have clawed my way back to where I am now.
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

#456455 - 12/09/13 02:30 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
thanks guys. i'm ok, this too shall pass and all that.

#456480 - 12/09/13 10:19 PM Re: Switch [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 971
Loc: Canada
((( bey )))
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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