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#456011 - 12/04/13 05:50 PM "I am wasting time, I am a waste of time..."
Moreorless Offline

Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Pittsburgh
I'm not certain the subject line is a good discussion for this forum... Or maybe that uncertainty is an expression of the insecurity it is suggesting.

Do you feel it?

I am wasting time, I need to do something more productive, I am a waste of time, I am not doing good things...

It's like what Ze Frank calls the, "Everything Thing."

That's just what is going on now.

I'm cleaning the apartment and selling off, through Ebay, most of my useless things. CDs, DVDs, books etc. And I keep thinking I'm not doing anything good or productive and that I'm a loser for this...

The everything thing.

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

#456030 - 12/04/13 09:05 PM Re: "I am wasting time, I am a waste of time..." [Re: Moreorless]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
it does not sound like you are wasting time.
you are performing a valuable service to yourself.

nothing wrong with a good purge and cleanse every so often.
regular inventory is a healthy ritual.
in fact, i think i am long overdue.

wasting time is a matter of perspective.
rather than save time, i prefer to savour it.
time tastes good, one bite at a time.

i try to believe that wherever i am is exactly where i am supposed to be.
whatever i am doing, is exactly what i should be doing.
my fate is fixed far in advance by a long history of previous decisions and choices.
if i always do my best, with whatever i have in hand, i cannot consider time as wasted.
my best is whatever i am willing and capable of putting out at any given moment.
if i feel like it is time to change, i initiate change,
but i must endure the transition steps between stages.
if i am doing nothing, then nothing is needed.
that is time for contemplation, conversation, meditation.

fleeting moments of peace i find everywhere;
a standby at work, a smoke-break, a long red light, standstill traffic jams, drive-throughs, check-outs, line-ups, waiting rooms...
i have discovered in my daily routine, so many delays, that used to drive me crazy with impatience, are now golden opportunities to step outside the grinding thoughts of getting to the next commitment.
when one of these moments occur, i accept it as the natural result of all my previous decisions, and therefore i have earned that moment of rest. it is mine to embrace. i sit still in the eye of the hurricane, and watch the activity swirl around me, until it is my turn to jump back into the storm.

my wife considers me a bit dramatic or morbid, but i operate on the principle that every moment could be my last.
every decision is life or death, whether i realize it or not.

for example, a railroader colleague, while at work, stopped walking beside a moving train while doing a roll by inspection, all alone in the middle of the night, so that he could roll a secret smoke.
while standing there, the train derailed, and tens of tons of metal fell exactly where he would have been, had he continued moving in that direction.
he was about a boxcar's length from certain death or serious damage.
he says it was the best joint he ever had.

the existentialism vs. destiny was not lost on him.
voluntarily inhaling toxins is unhealthy.
smoking dope on a dangerous job is hazardous.
and yet, this time, it saved a life.

he could have stopped to tie his bootlace, or to urinate,
the result would have been the same.
every decision compounds.
when the stone has gathered too much of this moss,
it is time to roll.
a little loss of weight is needed when overcoming inertia.
lessening the load also helps when stopping momentum.
it's all about the physics of the psyche wink

when my computer gets corrupt, it's time to:
run scan, debug and antivirus.
backup the good files.
reformat the hard-drive.
reinstall a new operating system.

each new decision nudges you in a new direction,
altering your course by degrees, like a rudder on an ocean liner.
sometime the results take time to manifest.

so... stick with your current plan. modify as required. enjoy your time.

i don't know if any of this was helpful, or even relevant,
but your post inspired me to write all this.

"Hate comes from the past, fear from the future. Pain and pleasure are now...
You have to bring the feelings together, blend them, and step away from time."
     ~ Steven Barnes


#456056 - 12/04/13 11:36 PM Re: "I am wasting time, I am a waste of time..." [Re: Moreorless]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1125
Loc: Southern US
I don't agree with your assessment (or self assessment, if that's what it is) at all.

You may not have developed a cure for cancer, or donated several million dollars to a worthwhile charity, but you are doing worthwhile things, and you are very much more than a waste of time. When you consider that eBay must employ hundreds of people, then by your listing on their site you are indirectly responsible for providing jobs for many people you will never know or meet. There are not too many tasks that would be more productive than cleaning out the old or bringing a sense of order to your life.

I think it's safe to say we often have no idea of how something done today will affect our life in the future. As survivors of CSA we probably know this better than anyone that the events of our past can affect us for a lifetime. But it doesn't have to be just negative. What we do today may seem pretty insignificant, and how we feel today may be a sense of worthlessness, but we don't know who we'll influence positively or what is just over the horizon.

I read a story about some of the survivors of the 9/11 World Trade Center bombing. One of them was a man who was late to work at the WTC because his son missed the school bus that morning and he had to drive him to school. This man was doing a menial task that he probably hated doing, thinking it was pretty worthless. But the father gets to see his son grow up because he was doing what seemed like a worthless task.
Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.


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