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#455972 - 12/04/13 12:06 PM I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years
staypositive Offline

Registered: 12/03/13
Posts: 10
Loc: nj
Hello all

Today was the first step in what will probably be a long meandering path to healing. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out what exactly I went through as a child. This boy was my best friend and the coolest kid I knew. As far as I know we were the same age. I did almost anything to impress him because I looked up to him. I allowed myself to become a victim of bullying and of sexual abuse. I never considered it sexual abuse until this week when I realized it was always him initiating it and me obliging. This happened sometime between the age of 4 and 9, and it happened a lot. I am not sure exactly how many times or over what period of time.

Today is the first time I googled adult man victim of sexual abuse. I was ready and willing to take this secret to the grave with me. But I realized that a lot of the behavior explained in the articles that I read mirrored the fact that I have been willing to do anything to please the people in my life and allow myself to be bullied. I have always run from confrontation and ignored emotional situations.

I have occasionally thought about that time and immediately buried it in my mind. I thought this would be the pattern of my life and came to accept it. I never pursued information related to male sexual abuse victims because I never really considered it abuse, but considered myself a willing participant. But as I mentioned earlier, I would do anything to impress the cool kid, so I was willing but I believe I was being manipulated.

I never turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with this. I was terrified of committed relationships and pursued women throughout college and my early adult life. Four years ago, I found my wife and she evened me out.

I thought about telling my wife of six months and partner of four years a few times over the course of our relationship. But after reading about how miserable some men become after keeping these things locked up I decided to spill my guts. She is beyond supportive and found this website for me.

Hi everyone. If you have questions or would like to talk please ask away.

#455974 - 12/04/13 12:22 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856
Welcome you have taken a brave step. Getting it out allows you to begin to heal. Your wife sounds wonderful, wanting to learn and understand and not think she knows everything about csa. Having someone around you who tried to deny csa and triggers and "knew" everything but knew little about csa can be destructive and delay healing. But you have a supportive spouse. Your wife will have her own emotions and needs to take care of herself.

Share when you are comfortable. Chat is helpful for some, others benefit from discussion board-reading and/or sharing. We all heal differently.

I wish you well on your healing journey.


#456007 - 12/04/13 05:18 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
so glad you decided to join us.
i doubt you will regret the decision to seek knowledge.
welcome to

reaching out and speaking out are healthy.
self discovery and recovery are a priority.

if you have only just begun, i urge you to protect your soul at all times.
during this process, there is always the risk of reinjury,
and the old wounds are sensitive.

wishing you lots of love in your life.
it is the only sure cure.


#456013 - 12/04/13 07:29 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
HUGE man what a great step you have taken in being free from this pain. there is little doubt that the path will take you places you would rather not go but hang tough you can do this!
be well
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#456022 - 12/04/13 08:09 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
staypositive Offline

Registered: 12/03/13
Posts: 10
Loc: nj
Thank you

I feel free and vulnerable. I'm glad I find a support network.

#456026 - 12/04/13 08:37 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1132
Loc: Southern US
Hi Staypositive,

Welcome - You've chosen an excellent name. It's important to stay positive in this journey, and it sounds like your wife will really help make that possible. No mater how much or how little you want to disclose, it will be accepted unconditionally because we've all been there in one way or another. Some more severe than others. But nevertheless, abuse is abuse whether we thought we were "willing participants" or not. Like you, I thought this was just something I would take to my grave, but it didn't quite work that way. Opening up and sharing is an important first step. Heal well.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.” - quoted by King George VI

#456089 - 12/05/13 03:32 AM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome SP!

20 years may seem like a long time but many of us old guys have done double that, with twice the havoc wreaked in our lives. Good for you for doing it now. In the short term it may be difficult, but in the long term you have the opportunity to gain a life back. Keep up the good work.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#456147 - 12/06/13 01:07 AM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
Welcome, Staypositive. You're on the journey now and there are many of us walking with you. As you explore your feelings and start telling your story, just remember this isn't a sprint. It's more like a meandering walk through the woods without a trail. You'll find parts that are dark and tough going, but others where you'll make discoveries so amazing you'll hold your breath with wonder.

Don't forget to breathe.


Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#456183 - 12/06/13 03:35 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
Dave PNW Offline

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Staypositive, Your on a good path. Realizing what happened was abuse is a big step for some of us. Took me a lot longer than you to realize that. My abuser was close to my age and for a while was my "best friend" too and I understand how this makes it really hard to discern and understand the abusive aspects in the relationship. Your doing the right stuff ... acknowledging it was abuse, getting support from your wife and now the MS community. Hope you find this site as supportive, inspirational and healing as I have. Welcome to MS. Sincerely Dave

#456296 - 12/07/13 01:31 PM Re: I told someone my story - held it in for 20 years [Re: staypositive]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 409
Loc: Western Europe
Great job telling your story Stay Positive! Very good thing to do.. Now you've given yourself the space you need to start digesting what has happened to you in the past. It's very good to read you have a full supporting wife beside you, which will make your process so much more easy! Thank her for me that she send you here..

Take your time to get to know the place, there is a lot of information to be found and we all know what you've been through. Here you can be who you are without having the need to hide, please others or keeping yourself from the truth.

We're all here in the same boat.. please do make good use of it smile


Edited by OCN (12/07/13 01:32 PM)
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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