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#455718 - 12/01/13 09:09 PM Better
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/29/13
Posts: 201
The more I uncover and remember the more I have flashbacks the more i realize how messed up I am. I realize my wife deserves so much BETTER. She didn't deserve all the lies and deception all the things I have done and keep hidden. There will never be full disclosure. She deserves better. I will never be able to give myself completely to her because I will always be hiding shit.
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

#455720 - 12/01/13 09:28 PM Re: Better [Re: Frustrated]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6384
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i swear to you, based on my own 22 years of marriage,
that you are correct.
"there will never be full disclosure".
there will only be brief moments of total intimacy.
most of the time, my wife and i are wrapped up and rapt in our own realities.
we are two wanderers in the fog of life,
travelling separate paths.
paths which are loosely parallel,
intricately and inextricably intertwined,
and even divergent at times.

it is my sincere belief that our spirits or souls are only capable of glimpsing other spirits and souls, and only for the briefest of moments.

those moments are like dots on a blank sheet of paper.
given enough time together as deep strangers,
you will collect enough to these dots.
connect the dots and you have "your" picture of your partner.
this is NOT who they really are.

"To ourselves, we are our thoughts. To others we are our actions."
     ~ Scott Taggart


#455727 - 12/01/13 09:57 PM Re: Better [Re: Frustrated]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Always like v-v's posts. A perspective I rarely see myself.

Do our spouses deserve better, sure. But so did we.
Do our spouses deserve the lies and deception, no, and neither did we.
You have done things you regret, so have I, and I would guess almost every person on the planet has as well. That is just a part of the human experience.
Secrets are the one thing we have control of. Another survivor posted the following, and it rings very true for me.

"When every conceivable sense of control is taken from you during a rape sometimes a secret is the only control you have left. It's the only thing you can keep to yourself, that is yours, and no one can take from you. It is no wonder survivors hold on to secrets for years, sometimes decades"

If you can't give yourself completely right now, it is what it is. Your lament tells me you want to though, and that can simply be one goal to work towards.
I have found that letting go of a secret here first, then with my T, makes it much easier to give it up with my wife. It is not without fear, but my load has been lightened as a result.
Take care of yourself, and try to recognize that, as much as we want all, and want it now, it takes time.
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#455730 - 12/01/13 10:25 PM Re: Better [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/29/13
Posts: 201
I just what I know and from every angle she deserves better. I know I didn't ask for this but I made choices to do the things that I did and that is what is unforgivable. One good thing about me is that I never passed the abuse onto anyone else. Out of all the immoral shit I did that is one line I never crossed.
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

#455731 - 12/01/13 10:35 PM Re: Better [Re: Frustrated]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Frustrated,

I believe beating yourself up and blaming is learned. And, it can be unlearned. It seems to me that the only result of beating yourself up and blaming yourself is keeping you strongly tied to the energy you would prefer to not be kept in. It's kind of masochistic, and I believe, learned. Learning to forgive myself is difficult, learning to forgive others is easy. I sure hope you are able to learn to forgive yourself.

Best wishes,

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#455732 - 12/01/13 10:43 PM Re: Better [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/29/13
Posts: 201
Don I do not feel like I'm beating myself up it comes from a clear perspective it is what is. Thank you for your post Don they help me a lot they really do.

I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame


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