I was abused by my sister at nine years old. I remember most of the acts that occurred over a three year period. As seen many times I wondered if I was a sick little boy or abused. I now know I was abused. My body did what bodies do but my mind was not there. I know now that the power of fear and the consequence of family kept me from help.
My family was led by an abusive father who ruled with fear mostly and I am sure was a victim of at least physical abuse as a child. Alcoholic father,no mother in house and two smaller children to protect. I suppose that was his only way taught to raise children. My mother was Romanian and had survived the Nazi concentration camps. She came to America with my father and raised four of us.
I know now or am learning that the past 47 years have been shaped by my abuse including being raped by men at 15 twice.
My marriages have been strained and finally the woman I am with know got me to talk about it fully. My last wife upon hearing in a counseling session to save our marriage said "
Well that explains a lot." I have been afraid of sex and also addicted to it. My worth I suppose was in sexual pleasing and being used. Most relationships accelerate after sex. My pleasing tendencies are overwhelming and my part is to finish as soon as possible.
I have started down this road and hope to find more answers through counseling and therapy. Luckily there are places to go.