Hello Lost Mountain and welcome back!
I'm sorry to hear for your troubles. I hope you'll get well with yourself, there is no reason for you to feel ashamed.
I have had a lot of troubles with shameful feelings, still trying to learn how to accept my self.
I wrote one topic
recently about shame. It was very important for me to learn that shame is result of interaction of two persons, not one, not me. I always have had idea that something is wrong with me originally and that I should shame because of it. Well it wasn't the case. I was shameful of me because I looked on myself trough someone esle's eyes.
So I'm very happy that you are here with us and that you are confident enough to share your intimacy.