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#454279 - 11/18/13 06:17 PM Re: Confused - Was Boyfriend Abused? [Re: Lovebug11768]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
If the situation sucks, it's not your fault that it does. And, even if he has told other people, that doesn't minimize his telling you. If he could trust you that much, that means a lot, as does your coming here.

If there are areas that need work...anger, intimacy, etc. you don't need to attribute their cause to his abuse in order to work on them. If you haven't told him already, let him know how much the biting sarcasm hurts you. If you haven't told him already, let him know that his suggestion of more open sex also hurt you. It might be that in working on these, he needs to work on the abuse, but let that happen at its own pace.

If his story causes you pain, find another place, for now at least, to express that, rather than talking to him about it. That is one thing this site is good for. Tell us hwo it hurts you. We know how bad a thing it is.

If you can listen to him non-judgementally, that is a big thing. If you can tell him about how words or suggestions hurt you, that is good for both of you, and need not be framed in the context of abuse history. If you can vent here or with someone other than him your pain at his story, that is a healthy thing.

I think the fact that he told you and you came here are tributes to your character, and indicate to me you have an innert sense of how to move forward. We are here to support you in that.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#454360 - 11/19/13 03:07 AM Re: Confused - Was Boyfriend Abused? [Re: Lovebug11768]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Lovebug - if you have feelings that you don't feel safe expressing to him, then you have things you can focus on in the absence of him wanting to work on his issues. You can make them a couples issue. My husband did finally disclose with our marriage counselor. We were working on issues between us when that one finally came up. It could be a great opportunity for you.

What is the saying? Anger is a cover up emotion for fear or sadness. Add that to intimacy destroyers like suggesting an open relationship to your partner who is not interested in an open relationship...

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