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#453828 - 11/15/13 11:03 PM Some progress and some questions?
overwhelmed1975 Offline

Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25

I have read past threads and see mention of porn addiction and triggers during marital sex. I want and need insight to my relationship because he is not opening up and I don't want to push him. I also see that other wives have the same kind of questions.
Since he disclosed, our sex life has dramatically changed. I understand about triggers and having warped views of sex, I get it. I have backed off a lot physically. I don't want him to feel like I am harassing him. He tells me he is not in the mood to have sex at all. Which is fine because I figure it has to do with the process of finally acknowledging the CSA since he recently disclosed.
However, I don't get why he still watches porn twice a week or more a week. Is it that the porn is a sexual act on the screen and sex with an actual physical person would generate intimacy, touch, sensations? But I don't get why my H would rather watch porn than be with me? What constitutes porn addiction? Why is porn bad (aside from the feminist viewpoint)?
Sorry to sound naive, but I really don't know.

What is it that turns your partner into a non-sexual being after the disclosure? Why does the CSA survivor partner become a mom, aunt, sister as I have read in other threads?
Please help me understand. I don't get it.

Edited by overwhelmed1975 (02/01/14 12:24 AM)

#453941 - 11/16/13 12:47 PM Re: Some progress and some questions? [Re: overwhelmed1975]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Maybe he feels deep down that you no longer see him as a man.

Porn just seems like it could get bad. No real ideas based on fact. It is also good for occasional fun ideas to try. I see it as gravy, as long as you remember your wife is the main course. Some use porn for yanking to. If he is doing that, then he may have no 'need' for release thru normal sex. He won't have that need build up that makes you wake up your wife early on a Saturday morning smile.

I have told two people recently of my CSA. First time ever. It had no effect on desire. I felt a little more accepted. Two women in recovery. I was amazed at the reaction. One was even somewhat mad at my perp.

Maybe you can just be blunt and ask what porn girls do that you don't? Maybe it is a degree of detached role playing in his head?
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#453944 - 11/16/13 12:55 PM Re: Some progress and some questions? [Re: overwhelmed1975]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Hi overwhelmed! Not sure I can answer all your questions but I can give you my opinion...

I think the appeal in porn for survivors is indeed that there is no intimacy. There is no actual dealing with another person, you have to give nothing and reveal nothing of yourself. With porn, you're always in control.

A porn addiction IMO is when someone watches porn compulsory and "needs his fix". When he wants to go a week without and can't.

I don't want to comment on any moral issues about porn, because that's up for everyone to decide on their own. But there is an issue with it when it leads to rejection and lying. When one partner chooses porn over the other partner for his sexual relief, no matter the reasons, the other partner easily gets hurt. Especially if (s)he gets outright refused when making advances. And then there is the part with the lying. The part where many of us (survivors' wives) for years work so hard on creating a safe environment and good sexual experiences and then one day find out that the whole time our partner has had different priorities and has been turning us down just to sneak to the computer. Ouch. It's a breech of trust and a disappointment. That's what I personally think is the most damaging to a relationship concerning this issue.

I can't answer the question about turning into a non-sexual being after disclosure. I think for my hubby, everyone in the whole wide world is a non-sexual being, including himself.

#453950 - 11/16/13 01:52 PM Re: Some progress and some questions? [Re: overwhelmed1975]
christie1013 Offline

Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Overwhelmed, i just asked the same question in a different thread. Not about porn because thats not an issue for my now former partner. But he told me that he cant look at me sexually anymore, it was like thinking about sex with an aunt or cousin. I agree, WTF??? We had a wonderful sex life, best connection either of us ever had. One that i did not want to end. I would really like an explanation or anything at all that helps me make sense of how saying four words ends something so right. Worst yet i have lost him over this because he thinks i am going to "need it" and he doesnt think that he will ever change his mind. I really love and adore him but he didnt give me a choice. But we werent married. I sure hope that someone can give us both hope. Good luck w your husband.

#453951 - 11/16/13 01:54 PM Re: Some progress and some questions? [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I agree with Hope, porn is really an issue when it is lied about - or when it is used to numb out (and thus becomes an addictive routine). Personally I don't think porn has a lot to do with sex. I see it more closely related to drinking, doing drugs, compulsively shopping - all methods used to manage anxiety or stress.

#454054 - 11/17/13 12:37 AM Re: Some progress and some questions? [Re: overwhelmed1975]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I know I sound judgmental when I write this but I am going to anyway. I never used to be like this but I now view porn as just bad and wrong. The majority of the women in porn have been abused as children. I feel the same way about prostitutes and strippers. When people use these things, they are taking advantage of another human being's woundedness. Sad, so very sad.

I am married to a sex addict. I may be biased. Porn/hookers/anonymous sex all have one thing in common.....the ability to be sexual without the intimacy and with the person acting out having total control. Believe it or not, hooking up with crazy people from Craigslist was less scary for my husband than being with me. That is deep. Risking one's life to get off is not as scary as intimate sex with vulnerability and love. CRAZY!

Anyway, I am all too familiar with this shit. Wish I never heard of it.
Sorry for you pain. I feel your pain. As for the mother thing, I don't get that at all. Maybe he feels vulnerable like a little boy now that you know and he doesn't like that.

The fact that your husband lied about what you saw on the computer COULD be a sign of a big problem for him. If you were looking at porn on the computer and he asked you, would you feel the need to lie?? People lie out of shame and/or a bigger problem.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks.


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