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#453883 - 11/15/13 10:07 PM Fell on black days
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 201
Man this shit never stops had feelings all day that something else had happened to me and now I am recalling pieces of it. One step forward and two steps back. Does anyone else have this going on? I feel like I was kidnaped as a child and tortured and returned home and no one told me.
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

#453887 - 11/15/13 10:22 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
Cthulhu Offline

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 160
Sorry to hear you are having to go through this process again and again. I feel it too. Once some plateau is reached, once an inkling of pride or success is felt - something new will make itself known. and I will be thrust back into a primordial state.

Progress, like good deeds, never goes unpunished.

Give yourself as much time and compassion as you can to absorb and make sense of these new feelings or thoughts. Take care of yourself.

Edited by Cthulhu (01/03/14 08:45 PM)
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

#453891 - 11/15/13 10:29 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4134
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
yes - i'm sorry to say - it is all too common.

it went on for me for over a year - maybe a year and a half. then it stopped. i think i know it all now - though there are some holes here and there in my memories of a couple of events - which is ok with me. not to say that it will be the same for you - maybe only a few times - if you are fortunate. but i survived and you can too.

actually - it may feel like one step forward and two back - but the opposite is true. you are dealing with it - getting it out into your consciousness - to a place where you can fight it. a guerrilla fighter is much harder to defeat - you gotta be able to see the enemy.

you can do this, man! let the memories happen and take them on as they come. spit it out and take a deep breath. there will be an end eventually. tell us as much as you need to - or PM.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#453991 - 11/16/13 12:53 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
Hey Frustrated,

I am right there with you right now. I have been recovering a lot of memories through flashbacks, body memories, you name it. It is tough for sure to incorporate all this new stuff into what I already knew. It feels like I am changing daily in regards to who I am.

I share your feelings of being kidnapped. I first tapped into a lot of memories about my abuse when I became intensely interested in child kidnap cases like Johnny Gosch and others. I felt the same way, that I was kidnapped and taken advantage of. Essentially we were as part of the abuse. At least in my case, I left my head and my body when the abuse occurred. It felt like I was a million miles away. It wasn't until much later that I recovered memories of being tied and bound like a kidnap victim during some of my abuse.

From my experience it goes in cycles. It can fire intensely for a month or two, then a lull, then it starts up again. I try to write about it as much as I can, share with other survivors what is going on, and get out of the house some to keep me from isolating completely and numbing out, which is my standard reaction when being assailed by such harsh images.

I hope things get better for you. I'm sure they will. But, feel free to PM if you need to talk about it.

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#453999 - 11/16/13 01:16 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
I understand. I'm on those days too.

I guess you have to tell yourself, you lived through this before and survived. You will again.

Talking to other survivors might help, right?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Try to avoid self destructing behaviors, try to sleep a lot. Know there are people here who cares.

If you want to share why are you feeling depressed, I can lend an ear.

Take care


#454011 - 11/16/13 01:52 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 201
Why can you just jump from point "A" to point "B" and just put it all behind you.

Thanks for the responses guys really helps
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

#454025 - 11/16/13 02:55 PM Re: Fell on black days [Re: Frustrated]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Frustrated,

The spiritual stuff I read says it's not so much what happens to us that's as important as is how we deal with it. It may sound like bs, but I think it may be true. I'm 64 and am still dealing with a whole lot of stuff. I didn't begin to remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother until this year. The specifics of the abuse from my father are still substantially blocked. What seems to be happening for me is I develop strategies for processing stuff that I can generalize to new things that come up.

If everything new that comes up hits you like something new that will really wear you down. I hope you can figure out some commonalities with the stuff and develop some ways that you have control over to deal with them. You'll have to figure out what works. For me, this has been going on 11 years now since I first started remembering, and I know there is a lot more to come. I've journaled a lot, I learned how to rage with hitting pillows, kicking pillows, I've learned how to scream and curse into my hand and into a pillow so the neighbors won't get freaked out. Basically, it seems that ways have to be developed to get it out. If you can develop some predictable ways for yourself that you can rely on it won't be so scary. Posting here is great. You can post a lot, and get a lot of feedback. It's not easy. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards


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