I have had success with focusing on my feelings, and focusing on my body-if I am having any body sensations, and just recently I have been able to focus on following the feelings back to the main event. This is a tremendous breakthrough for me because the real damage was done to me 0-3 1/2. The breakthrough just occurred yesterday, and I was able to follow an awareness I have had for years-that I was beaten with a rolled up newspaper or magazine on the head, face, and ears probably as soon as I began to walk. For me this major because the most major damage to me was precognitive. What came out of this for me was an understanding of the psychic damage this did to me. I was so traumatized by these beatings that a piece of me just vanished. And, the piece that vanished was the ability to feel whether or not I am comfortable. So, a lifetime of recreating the abusive relationship with my parents was set in motion--not the sexual abuse but the psychological abuse. And the only way I could sustain these 64 years of psychological abuse was to not feel. I have been working on this for 11 years, and it feels like I have grown enough to be able to hold my early damaged self in consciousness and take language and understanding back to that place, feel it again with language and understanding and grow that place and integrate. This is new, but it feels right. I have had the experience for years of being able to focus on non-specific emotions/body issues and move back to a clearer understanding of what underpins the nonspecific symptom. It was only yesterday that I learned to follow it back to the original event.
I don't imagine this is something to do on the run, but I do imagine it is something that can be saved for when you have quiet and privacy and time. It needn't be scary, and my suspicion is that relief, release, understanding and clearing is the outcome of taking the time and energy to follow the "tears" in this case back to an original event or at least a better understanding of the feelings underpinning the event (tears). For me, there is profound sadness on the other side of my following my knowledge of these beatings back to the original event. The sadness does not feel scary or crazy. It's just loss, and it is real.
CSA and ASA do real damage to the feeling process, and it seems that recapturing the feeling process is an important part of the way out.
Sending you all warmth and gentleness,
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards