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#453452 - 11/13/13 04:53 AM How do I know when I heal..
forgive777 Offline

Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 135
Loc: california
How do I know? how am supposed to feel when I heal? I been feeling like I've healed but iam not sure if its real.. Ive only opened up about a year ago and I've come to realize that some of the stories I read are really impacting probably more then mine.. so I feel like I got over it... am I going the rite way with this thought?????

#453473 - 11/13/13 01:05 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi forgive777,

Give yourself time to come to your own conclusions. I figure when I do not know the answer to something, it's not because I have missed something, it's just because I need time to process. Sometimes I have needed years to process. Trust yourself. Your the only person who can answer your question. Giving away your ability to come up with your own answer gives away your power. I have had to learn to become a little more comfortable with not knowing.

Now, I have had huge problems with impatience and anxiety. But, decisions made in haste have always backfired on me.

Best wishes,

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#453481 - 11/13/13 02:21 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790

As Don said give yourself time. Healing is on going. It can have ups and downs. I had periods of euphoria but then there was a set back. There was more to be released. You are healing and I believe life is a journey. You will know when you are in control of the abuse and the abuse is not controlling you. Specifics vary from person to person. For me the abuse stopped dominating my life, I began to love myself, I surrounded myself with caring and positive people, saw no value with people who are negative, denigrate or abandon those in need instead I began to see value in myself. Your outlook and sense of well being will change. Others will see the change in you. Is anyone fully healed I do no know.

Take your time you are moving forward. Keep well.

#453489 - 11/13/13 04:22 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
For me i was very aware as to how i changed during recovery. your question is difficult to answer. I know when i healed i felt like a totally different person. there was no question abotu if i had healed or not. I am sure it is different for everyone. it does take time and a lot of work. Early in my twenties when i first opened up i fell into a trap. Becuase i had opened up i had convienced myself that i had delt with the abuse. It wasn't until i was in my fifties that i realize - just openingn up does not heal the wounds. I had never connected to wounds or acknowledged there was damage done to me that affected everything in my life.

It was an amazing moment to realize i had never stepped out of denial and i had only superfically dealt with the abuse.



#453496 - 11/13/13 05:20 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

Welcome to the journey. The direction is inward. Sometimes it can be a damn rough road, but there are gifts along the way. You might get lost, but you are not alone. I met, many a traveler that provided me a new perspective, solace, strength and hope. (or whatever I needed).

I have come to realize, that it is more about the journey, than the destination. I also know, that it is not a race (and have drove myself rather psychotic in trying to force answers). I am hoping, that you will honor your own pace. Perhaps, you will find great power, in sharing your revelations.

For me this is a process, where this topic comes in and out of my life, but in doing so, the power dynamic shifts, evolves and changes...(less and less to more and more).

I have found a place where, most of the time, I am comfortable in my own skin and sexuality. (and for me...that is truly, the greatest gift I could ever behold).

When the Children Cry (White Lion)

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#453498 - 11/13/13 06:32 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I think healing is a lot like growing up.
Maybe for us as victims of CSA that's extra apt. Did I grow up from 10 to 13? Yep. Was I grown up? Nope.

Healed, healing, and to heal... onward I go inch by inch and social and mental muscle at a time.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#453554 - 11/14/13 02:20 AM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Forgive777. As others have stated, the question you ask has no one right or wrong answer. It is different for everyone. It can all depend on the type of damage done, the duration of the abuse, the type of abuse that occurred, the relationship to the abuser, the amount of time the abuse was kept a secret and a lot of other factors. Also, I think the answer can depend greatly on what a given survivor's definition of "heal" is. "Heal" can mean different things to different people. It can depend on what your expectations for recovery are, on what goals you have set for yourself, and on whether or not those goals are fair or realistic.

For example, when I was 18, I first disclosed to a friend of mine about the abuse and about some of the ways I knew the abuse had affected me. I later went into therapy to talk about my sexual trauma and to work on some of those issues. Before long, it became apparent that I had been damaged in some ways which could not be undone. That doesn't mean that healing didn't take place, it just meant that some of the damage done to my psyche and sexuality was unfixable and always will be. However, that didn't and doesn't mean that any and all hope was lost. In a way, I see it as being much like a person who is in a terrible car wreck and is left with a permanent, unfixable limp. They may walk with a limp for the rest of their lives. They may never fully heal, but they can learn to adapt and adjust and live with the limp. I have a permanent limp that is sexual and emotional. It isn't always easy but I have learned to adapt and adjust to it and I am still learning. Perhaps that process of adapting and adjusting is a form of healing in and of itself.

Good luck finding the answers to your question and good luck with your own healing. The very fact that you are asking the question shows me you are on the right path. Peace,


#453591 - 11/14/13 06:13 AM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hey forgive777,

As others have said, I have accepted that there is no quick fix for me, and perhaps no fix in some areas of my life at all. It took me a long time (43 years) to get as messed up as I became, and if anything can be repaired, it will likely take a long time as well. That shouldn't be discouraging. Its just how it is for me. Everyone is different. Do it your way my friend.

Be well,
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#453668 - 11/14/13 11:43 PM Re: How do I know when I heal.. [Re: forgive777]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
I have thought about this post and it is a great question. This may sound a little out there but i knew when i healed when i could laugh and not be bothered by all the abuse and what i had lived with for so long. I knew i had healed when i felt truely good about myself and genuinely happy.




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