I'm going through intense anxiety, also. It is so frustrating for me because I watch myself angst over old, old issues where my old, old patterns really get me into trouble, and I do not seem to be able to make any headway. I don't have to make any decisions right now, but old patterns are urging me to become engaged in a situation which I feel would be unhealthy for me, a situation where I will get shredded by people who are interested only in power and control over others and not interested in music, which is a love of mine. I have become involved twice previously over the past four years in the music program at a little church I attend. Each time, the "power and control module" as I call them have been unable to even hear any recommendations I have made. There inability to hear any voice other than their own has always resulted in enormous stress coming my way. So, in reality the only thing I have done is to enable a broke system. I pray this time I have the good sense to just stay out of it and let nature take its course.
This situation makes me crazy, and inspires me to re-engage in old destructive patterns. I do not want to do that. I do not intend to do that. It is so easy to get hooked, though. Everything about this triggers me. Music is an incredible passion to me(singing and playing piano) and has been blocked this whole lifetime because of my abuse issues. There is an old saying 'in order to see the way, you have to clear the way.' I know I need to clear out some of this old shit, but I have such internal resistance to doing so. I know it goes back to early abuse from my parents and a belief that if I did not keep engaged in the abusive situation I would either die from neglect or be killed by them. Neither of those things have been true for at least 46 years, but the old beliefs are powerful. I am going to do my best to hunker down for the next several days and try to just walk through this old stuff.
The only good idea I have is that timely retreat seems to be a good idea. Moving out into the world during high anxiety is asking for trouble. I wish you and me well Frustrated.
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards