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#452819 - 11/08/13 03:04 AM I am angry
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
There. I said it. I haven't said it before - not in the last 3 years. Not when I was repeatedly betrayed, not when I was gifted permanent scars of the infidelity. Not when I lost so much. No. Then I was scared and desperate to try to figure out what was happening to the man that I loved.

My anger feels suffocating. I feel like I will hurt him if I communicate it - even little pieces of it. He's a scared person. He's afraid I will leave. He's afraid of the very little anger he knows I possess. What if he really knew? What if he got a good clean look at the depths of my anger?

I have kept it away from us. Kept it away when we were hurting. Kept it away when we were struggling to keep our heads above water.

My therapist says it is a good sign that I finally can access it and feel it. She says it is a sign of stability. A sign that I feel more secure again.

I don't want to be angry. Anger takes the sweetness from the sweet. Anger takes the quiet from my peace.

I thought I had accepted all of this. I thought that with that acceptance would come a release of my anger. But I am not so sure. Where is the space for it in my newly reassembled relationship?

#452825 - 11/08/13 03:54 AM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Esposa,

You are not helpless. You may simply not know what to do with all the feelings you are having right now. My experience is that I frequently get freaked out when I am having very deep feelings and do not know what to do with them. What I read is that I have to give myself the time and space I need to adopt a new position. Well, the problem for me is that if what I'm feeling is threatening to me it is not easy for me to be sensible and logical.

For my part, I'm sending you tons of permission to take all the time you need to make sense of this--days, weeks, months, years. You are worth it. Concentrate on what you need for YOU. That does not need to be at anyone else's expense. I frequently want to blame someone else for how I'm feeling. In reality, that places my identity and my choices in their hands--not a good place for me, but something EXTREMELY difficult for me to give up.

I sense you are in a great deal of pain. I hope you are able to be very gentle and very patient with yourself.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#452844 - 11/08/13 07:15 AM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Thank you for posting this! I can relate to feeling angry, suffocating is a great description.

My anger crept up on me. I knew I was angry and hurt after all H put me threw and continues to put me through. However it wasn't until he started making progress and putting in effort to be better that a tidal wave of anger consumed me. Some days I feel so pissed that I just want to smash something. I just want to release it all so badly. I don't like feeling this way. I am learning that forgiveness is so much harder than just flipping a switch and telling yourself "I forgive".

I think that you therapist has a valid point. I remember reading that stability and emotional safety are important for the CSA victim. They need these things to in order to allow their true emotions to surface so they can explore them. I think it is fair to say that we as partners we can become secondary victims. So I think it makes sense that our feelings of anger often don't fully surface until things become more stable.

Even if it is a step forward it's a damn uncomfortable one. I don't know about you but I can't stand feeling so much anger towards H. And I know that if I express it he will feel hurt and confused. He is trying to be better. He is doing what I ask. He has stopped the destructive behavior. So it's really annoying that now is the time that I just want to scream at him sometimes. I just want to cry and have a tantrum and make sure he understands just how much he hurt me.

I don't feel like this all the time but some days I find the anger following me around and it doesn't want to leave me alone.
Where is the space for it? This is an excellent question. Surely shoving it down won't serve anything but expressing it will cause harm. I wish I had some good advice here but I don't, I am currently in the same predicament. I am hoping that if you discover any helpful tips for processing said anger you will share them.
And maybe too in my case at least, I'm not just angry at him I'm also angry at myself a bit as well. I'm angry for how I handled myself at times the last 6 years.
Everything comes from within

#452858 - 11/08/13 12:04 PM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
You have company. I'm angry. It's getting better but I'm still angry.

Sometimes I vent it here and sometimes in a MSWord journal that I later delete. That helps me to express the things I need to with H without the raw bitterness.

#452920 - 11/08/13 05:46 PM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
ESPOSA! Thank you for posting! You have license to be angry! And you know what? It's OK.

I'm going to speak on my own behalf, and I hope this registers for you in your situation. I have always been intimidated by the anger/disapproval/hurt/judgment/sideways glance of my spouse. And I have always been afraid that if I expressed myself about my real feelings, I'd find myself in some dark alley, sitting on broken glass, alone in tattered clothes, alone forever, forever alone. I'm saying that as kind of a joke, but my fear of abandonment is REAL! It's terrifying. Because I have a legacy that has left me worried that my true inner self was a freakish monster. And that's the truth.

But the odd thing is that the more I suppressed my real feelings, the more I became a resentful and cutting person. I'd say thoughtless things that were MEAN. And I'd be, no kidding, HURT if someone pointed it out. Most of all my spouse! I'd think it was HER fault for being hurt.

I'm still not good at expressing my true feelings, but I've started to. I have a real panicky feeling every time I relax my heart and accept the love I feel from my wife and the love I have for her. It's hard to let my guard down. But it's SO important for me to do it. For me to say what I REALLY mean, even when I'm mad. Especially when I'm mad. Or when the feelings are hard to express. The harder the feelings are to express, the more important it is that they get expressed.

Anyway, I think it's important to be able to express those feelings... and see that the world doesn't end. Because that's the upside. My wife sometimes responds with shock and surprise to my feelings (because I never used to express them before) but then she's over it, and she is surprisingly OK with me. And then things are fine. And I feel a TON better.

Does she still have anger at me over the affair? Hell, yes, when she thinks about it, I'm sure. Does she still get angry at me over crap in the house? Sure! I'm an imperfect person who is sometimes lazy and slobbish. But we're all imperfect people. Sometimes I'm mad at her. It's OK. We get over it. And THAT feels good.

And as for the long anger over the deep hurts? I'll never hurt her again. So it's OK with me if she now and then feels mad/hurt/bitter, because I know those feelings will pass. I'll keep being her man, and that's the best way for me to answer that anger.

I hope that helps. I encourage you to own your feelings. I'll keep trying to do the same. Good luck to you and your spouse. As I like to say, keep searching for peace. And searching for truth. And if you find any, recognize it. Hold onto it. Keep it as long as you can. Bob

#452980 - 11/09/13 03:58 AM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: Esposa
I don't want to be angry. Anger takes the sweetness from the sweet. Anger takes the quiet from my peace.


Yes, we don't want to be angry. It seems inappropriate when things are going well.

I wonder about the 'quiet' part, however. True peace is not about living 'quiet', I think. Peace is more of an understanding that works well between people. If anger is part of it, then it belongs....

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#453052 - 11/09/13 06:09 PM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
I am angry, too

I am angry at the evil people that did this to my husband
I am angry at my husband's parents for not realizing this was going on and protecting him
I am angry at God(although not even sure about his existence anymore, even though I talk to him all day long every day)
I am angry that I only catch glimpses of my soulmate of 30 years
I am angry at the whores he slept with
I am angry that somehow I've lost myself in the last 3 years
I am angry that I have to fight every single to day to try and control my thoughts so they aren't 100% consumed with my husband's well being, his infidelity, and my pain.
I am angry that our family wasn't enough to stop him from doing all these harmful things(even though- I logically understand)
I am angry that I am exhausted and need to give myself a pep talk everyday to get out of bed and be the best me I can be.
I am angry that we are spending 300 dollars a month on individual therapy, when we can't even pay all our bills every month and he doesn't go half the time.
I am angry that we can't afford couples therapy at this time
I am angry that he says he wants to get better, but 3 years since my hell began and 2 years since the disclosure, I see minimal improvement
I am angry that H shuts me out most days
I am angry that I am angry…..that my "sweetness has been taken from me, a person who is normally very sweet

I am angry that I am really just sad and scared frown

#453101 - 11/10/13 03:33 AM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I hear you Brokenwife....

#453106 - 11/10/13 04:04 AM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Esposa, I know you do. And I am so thankful every time you post something. You say exactly what I am feeling. I feel like we would be friends in real life. smile Too bad we are suffering together on here smirk

#453332 - 11/12/13 02:50 PM Re: I am angry [Re: Esposa]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Good luck to you both. I hear what you're saying. I still struggle sometimes, like when my wife asks me to go for a walk, my first instinct is to say no! Isn't that lame? This is the woman who I want to spend my life with. So we go for a walk, anyway, and then I have a great time listening. It's odd, because I have spent a long time stressing about the barriers that have been trashed for me... like the one respecting the sexual act. And I have worked hard to rebuild those boundaries. But it has been occurring to me lately that just as destructive as the barriers that have been torn down are the barriers that I erected because of the abuse. Like the barrier against honestly talking about my feelings. Like the barrier to relaxing my heart and allowing my wife to love me! Why does that make me feel terrified and shaky, and also full of dread and avoidance?

Anyway, I'm glad you're both on here posting. Brokenwife, I've never met you in life, but I hear the pain in your post. And I respect you for it. I've been writing on here with Esposa now for at least a few years, and I have HUGE respect for you, too. Huge respect.

Keep after it, my friends. And I will, too.

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