I am so sorry you are going through such stressful times. I can't know what you have to deal with and I cannot know what is right for you. But there are enough similarities with me that I want to share a condensed version of a portion of my journey. I'm 64. Up until 45 I had a six figure income. Unlike you, I always spent more than I made trying to fill a hole in myself, and had nearly killed myself with alcohol by 45.
The part I want to share is what happened over the next 17 years that I did not understand except in retrospect. I didn't realize I wasn't able to work anymore. At 45 I had an awakening, declared bankruptcy, realized my life as I was living it was bankrupt, and began putting one foot in front of the other as best as I was able. Each year I made less and less money, until 55 when I was no longer able to work. Social Security would not approve me for disability on mental grounds because I could not afford to hire competent professionals to represent me, and was just too disorganized to figure anything out. It was at 53 that I began to remember early abuse. I told my landlord and landlady what was happening (since I could not pay rent), they believed in me, and let me live rent free and utility free for 7 years. I helped out on the property as I was able. Food stamps fed me.
That is very condensed and does not include an enormous amount of panic, anxiety, depression, etc. At 62 my social security checks started and all is ok financially now.
What that 17 year period was for me was a period of detoxing from belief systems that no longer served me and were never valid for me anyway. I had just bought an enormous amount of capitalism and western culture that just isn't me. I just didn't know it wasn't me at the time. It took all those years of belief detoxification for me to get to where I am now. I am still working through massive abuse issues--I just began to remember the early sexual abuse and torture from my mother this year. However, I am substantially free of the constraints most people have in their lives, and have the mental time and space to process and integrate what is going on. It is tiny piece by tiny piece, but it is cumulative.
All I am saying is that in hindsight everything that happened to me was right on target purposeful and in my best interest. I just did not understand it at the time. And, since I did not understand it I went through some very rough times. I hope you are able to understand what is going on with you so you won't be so scared. My intention is to give you what support I can.
Wishing you peace and comfort,
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards