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#452696 - 11/06/13 08:11 PM fear of facebook
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4199
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
actually it is more a fear of ANY kind of social media or networking or internet search engines or any other means by which someone could find me and identify me and possibly expose me. the exposure - the shame - is the sticking point.

i strenuously avoid all contacts and events and directories and other listings that might become too public. i have even *not* written books and *not* done artwork that might gain a wider audience than my own sphere of influence - or control -because of this fear. i would have to do anything like that totally anonymously or under a pseudonym - and even that makes me anxious.

here is the root of it: in middle school and boy scouts i was terrorized and bullied and tortured and sexually abused by a gang of jocks that were considered the elite of the community. i was unanimously appointed as the school scapegoat and whipping boy and target for mockery, contempt and persecution. my humiliation and much of the victimization were very public.

i am scared to death that someone from back there and then will discover who and where i am now and expose - make public - who/what i used to be. i am virtually a prisoner of my own fears. i hide and hope that no one from my past will ever rediscover me.

i don't know how to get over this.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#452697 - 11/06/13 08:13 PM Re: fear of facebook [Re: traveler]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
You could expose them right back as being bullies and child molesters.
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#452714 - 11/06/13 10:00 PM ! [Re: traveler]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 03:28 AM)

#452720 - 11/06/13 10:46 PM Re: fear of facebook [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2749
There was a scene in Milk that I think of reading this topic. In the movie, Harvey Milk receives a death threat in the form of an obscene and bloody cartoon depiction of his mutilation. He takes it and puts it on the fridge, and when his incredulous partner asks why on earth he would do that, Milk's answer resonates with me still: "If you put it away in a drawer it just gets bigger and scarier. Now it's right here, it can't get us."

When I think about how my secrets over the years allowed this shame to fester into such an abscess - when I think of the sheer irony that by keeping a secret ostensibly to protect myself I was in fact making myself a perfect victim - it makes me question why I stay hidden at all. Old habits die hard, I guess...

#452737 - 11/07/13 04:52 AM Re: fear of facebook [Re: traveler]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 120
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada

I was in a similar situation with respect to elementary school and I ended up having to confront the same issue when my former grade six teacher retired. The school arranged a retirement party and rounded up all the alumni they could find. It was a huge party and I bit the bullet and went. There were a good number of people there from my class, including a lot of the bullies. What was remarkable was how little was said apart from general greetings and I realized that the situation that present in elementary school no longer existed and that I wasn't on their radar. It was still stressful being at the party with them and it's still stressful now whenever I happen to bump into one out in public, although that's infrequent. They exist as bad memories and lingering effects from years ago but now, as people, they're irrelevant - even if I bump into one downtown.

Most likely, you'd probably be ok for the same reason. They doing their own thing and are long past both of us and, as SoccerStar pointed out, it was their own past conduct that was in the wrong and not ours so if anything, it's the bullies and abusers that should be worried about being found out and exposed by their old victims - not the other way around.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#452751 - 11/07/13 09:49 AM Re: fear of facebook [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2670
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Lee.

As you know my experiences were somewhat similar to yours, however my own take on this is slightly different.

I have almost entirely moved to a new city, the school where everything happened has closed down. i do not know or care or give a rat's rear end where all those people involved in my abuse are now, indeed on the one occasion I met someone from that school, three years after I left, (a person who had been present but not participated), when she asked "did you go to xxx school" I simply said "no" and left it at that.

I suspect this feeling is mutual, after all those involved in my abuse didn't particularly care or see it as important, but who cares! If I heard they were all in jail or had died on a bus trip or had been skinned alive and eaten by cannibals, well my response would be pretty much the same ---- "meh"

Indeed if I remember rightly about six years ago there was a news item that one of the boys who had been involved in the physical violence end of things had been shot in some sort of criminal incident or other, (it was that sort of school), ---- though again, "meh"

There are enough reactions and responses and things in myself I cannot! change, I'm not going to alter the things I can just for a bunch of idiots who couldn't care less, neither am I going to change things that are important to me just for them or indeed anyone else.

It's also worth noting that to be honest with the internet you do! leave a traille just by being online, and short of using some major anti hacking software, changing your Ip address, deleting public reccords and the like your actually not going to disappear, so you might as well just embrace the positive aspects of this and claime the credit you deserve.

I am myself listed on the university department's post graduates list, (and soon you'll be able to read my doctoral thesis online), as well as listed as being part of Aims music school performances (there are even some photos of me). I am also listed as belonging to Music for life, the charity who sponser disabled musicians. All of these are things that just happened as a consequence of what I do, my music and my academic career.

In addition I work as administrator of, and as an expert on accessible computer games and show up in various places in that capacity. This is something I choose to do with my time, it is a worthwhile hobby which has turned into something of a volunteer vocation, contacting game developers and discussing how to make computer games accessible to visually impared people, and then writing about such games and cataloguing them on a database, ---- oh, I also obviously show up playing various games as well for both testing purposes and for personal enjoyment, (which are not always the same thing).

These are the online presances I know about, and frankly it's part of what I choose to do with my life and my time and part of the impact I try to have on the world.

I'd therefore Lee suggest you just do whatever you feel you need, take credit for your accomplishments and let your tallents and creativity have full rein, since your denying everyone else what you have to offer otherwise, and if you do! ever run into the online presence of some bad person from your past, (or indeed any bad person at all), --- well that is what "ignore" buttons are for, and if that isn't enough, well this is why safe net environments also have moderators.

Btw, I don't myself use facebook, simply because the interface is a pain in the rear with a screen reader and because I really can't be bothered to go through all the trivial endless "I've just had breakfast" type of messages.

Edited by dark empathy (11/07/13 09:55 AM)


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