I feel like I'm done and am mentally preparing to find a job and new home. I haven't spoken with him about this yet. His past that I know of: incest, followed by accusations of committing CSA against a neighborhood kid. I assume his relative who committed the incest is the one who really was a predator; that relative is now in prison for multiple offenses.
Anything I dislike about him puts him on the defensive, like an animal in a corner. He himself uses the phrase "Why are you backing me into a corner?"
He won't follow up and begin therapy again
Under-employment by choice. his field has many job openings at better salary with benefits. He stays where he is because the owner is a friend of his. I have no health insurance and have a skin spot that's questionable. Accompanying the finances is his insistence on talking about it only over the phone, and a refusal to trade in a car he pays so much for monthly that we have to slow-pay other bills. He 'needs' to feel in control of this, it seems.
He helps with the kids if it's convenient for him; same goes for things around the house. If he gets a direct benefit from doing the chore/helping, then he does it.
No kissing. I get a peck on the cheek once daily.
I initiate most 'us' conversations, all sex (and am understandably refused 90% of the time) and most family life/schedule planning conversations. He arrives home from work and retreats to the bedroom, where he watches TV and gets mad when I don't join him. I hear it about days later. I stopped initiating to find that every two weeks, on the same night of each week, he wants sex. he will not look me in the eye during sex, and will not partake in any positions which might facilitate that.
He told me two days ago that my weight gain, which puts my BMI at .4 into the 'overweight' zone, is "less attractive, and anyone would see that". I suspect he wants me to look younger again. That possibility grosses me out.
Flirting with his employees and with waitstaff when we're on dates. Most dates are: driving around and daydreaming about houses, or sitting in a bar playing trivia. He says the talks we have on the dates are nice...all these talks are surface: music, his work, etc.
Racist and sexist comments to his friends via text. (I checked his phone thinking he might be having an affair or trying to hook up via CL again.)
He's checked out. He's in control mode. He's disrespectful. He acts as if I'm less than he is. I cannot and will not continue to shoulder the responsibility of emotionally maintaining this marriage. I cannot stay with a man who creeps me out and ignores me, then shifts both the responsibility for the marriage and blame if it's not done his way onto me.
Until I leave, which may be 6 months or more from now, I need to detach and distance myself. But I don't know how any more. Any detachment is met with accusations of giving him the silent treatment and being passive-aggressive (which I see as a case of him spotting his own ways.)
I don't want to talk to him any more, because although he doesn't rage any more, anything he views as me telling him he's a failure sends him into defensive "oh so you're telling me I'm a piece of shit" mode. If I told him the things above, I really would be telling him he's failing. He is. This is not his first marriage, and his ex had affairs when they had been at this point for a while. He's told me he had a ONS while married to her, at about this point in the marriage, and after that was 'absent in the marriage' (her affairs happened then). This is beyond red flags.
Thank you for reading; people on standard marriage boards have no clue. None.