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#452208 - 11/02/13 03:02 AM Totally Disgusted - What we Need to Change
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Tonight I got on Google to get a feel for other wives perspectives on husband survivors (those outside of MS) as I will freely admit that I will likely overlook the impact of the healing from CSA journey has had on my wife. I talk to my wife and try to connect, and I know she sometimes she holds back because she is worried about hurting me. So I searched to find info on other partners experiences in their own words.

And then I came across this post, and would ask that you either don't read it, or read all of it: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/forum/general-support/my-husband-was-sexually-abused-as-a-child/

In my opinion, the survivor was doing everything right, being a good parent if not prone to mistakes like we all are. What disturbs me is the responses this woman received and its truly rattled me. A few highlights - keeping in mind that this is a site on counseling. A few gems:

"It is sad that some people become abusers after being victims. They talk about how they were "raped" as children, when in fact, they usually participating willingly to gain acceptance and love. I suppose saying one was raped makes it easier to talk about."

"This man is NOT normal. His words are NOT reliable because he is damaged goods"

Having been repeatedly raped as a child, I tend to really overreact to things, but I am really disgusted by the comments of the witch hunting bitch who is advising this woman to leave without having any information but trust your gut. Is my personal bias getting in my way because I think the fellow survivor, the subject of this post, really did the right thing?

Ignorance like this makes me want to be a hermit.

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#452214 - 11/02/13 06:00 AM Re: Totally Disgusted - What we Need to Change [Re: mattheal]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Hey mattheal,

It's a complicated exchange you linked to, but I really don't think this situation applies to you: the specifics about a spouse discovering her partner's online porn activity AND several conversations of a sexual nature he had with her daughter put this post in an entirely different category. The fact that the husband was in counseling for two years prior really makes me wonder how honest and upfront he was really being. My wife and I talk regularly about our kids, and our conversations with them, and I have no explaining to do about my internet activity.

(The last long post in this series helps show the above in a different light, but that relates to long conversations between the husband and wife after his counseling session-again, probably a different situation than yours.)

My first reaction was that you can't build a relationship based on hiding behavior like what was characterized in this exchange.

The trust issue is a huge one, and my experience is that being honest and upfront in my marriage is the only thing that has helped save it. I needed help, and my wife can't police my recovery or healing and give me the feedback I need and get from other survivors or my T.

And I need to pursue my recovery and healing no matter what. I don't have to prove anything to my spouse, or get her approval for the work I am doing. We do talk about it, and there are no secrets in our marriage today.

And yes, my wife ran into some hysterical thinking and advice early on, and we talked about it. Another woman in particular encouraged my wife to leave me: and this was really just an immature reaction based on that woman's own situation with a dishonest husband who was acting out sexually. (These people later divorced and the woman is still a bit of a nut, imho.)

If you want to know your wife's perspective, talk to her. Communication is key to a relationship and intimacy and understanding.

And yet some understanding will always be missing from those who haven't walked in our shoes. Likewise, I pray I will never know what it is like to have a child abused by a trusted family member as some of the post-ers had.

That brings up an interesting point for discussion about my parents and their journey with sons who were sexually abused in their own home.....
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#452217 - 11/02/13 07:26 AM Re: Totally Disgusted - What we Need to Change [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for your reply MB. While the post does not apply to me, I think what got me was the incorrect advice the woman was given (see posts), and if you read the entire post the wife who has never had any issues with her husband, who's been completely truthful, and who's own daughter say she has never been afraid of her stepfather - who appears to have given the girl reasonable advice when faced with three situations (even though he may have gone into TMI) appears to care and give guidance on issues in a positive way. But in the end, he is "damaged good" for something others did to him.

It just kills me the advice this woman is given - especially from a person who made the comments I included in the post.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#452329 - 11/03/13 10:32 AM Re: Totally Disgusted - What we Need to Change [Re: mattheal]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Yeah- missed her utter lack of qualifications to post - lots of hysterical people out there who are completely unhelpful.

All the more reason for us to stand up and share our healing stories as survivors as we progress. To counter the ill-informed and unhelpful voices out there.

I've had to fight against a lot of prejudice and still do- the best argument I can give is my example.

And to this day - even here on MS- I have to know if a person is speaking from direct or personal experience or just givin an opinion, advice, or theory.

I listen. to the first ones and tend to disregard the latter category.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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