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#451709 - 10/29/13 06:20 PM The impact of having kids. Trigger
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I'm sure that starting a family impacts each survivor a little differently. In my view bringing another human in the world and being in charge of protecting them and teaching them is a HUGE responsibility. Even parents who don't have traumatic pasts worry about their kids and try to be careful to watch for predators.

So what happens when someone has a child who knows first hand the damage a predator(s) can do to a child. Someone who knows all too well that a predator may be the person others least expects. Someone who in many ways is still fighting to heal from the memories of their own growing up years.

Reading the replies to my last thread about daycare abuse gave me these questions. I know one friend of mine who seemed to have come to terms with their past until having two kids blew the flood gates wide open. I was warned by my therapist years ago that having children could be a very triggering event for me and I may have to return to therapy. I worry more that I will have to fight against being over protective.
So how did it impact you? Did it send you spiraling for awhile? Is it hard to trust anyone to care for them besides you and your partner? Has it been emotionally painful and forced you to relive memories that you thought no longer troubled you? So many questions here sorry.
I'm approaching 30 and H and I keep getting questions about when we will start a family. I don't think that H is ready. And I'm not ready to deal with the possible fallout if he shuts down for awhile and I have a baby to care for. We do want to and are working towards getting ready and taking as much time as we need. I worry that when we do have children it may be very triggering for H. Big life changes seem to do that to him. He is so afraid of failing those he cares about.
It so sad that what should be such a joyful fun time can be wrought with terror for CSA victims. So gentlemen and partners what has your experience been like with starting a family?
Everything comes from within

#451796 - 10/30/13 04:06 AM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 541
Loc: NY

This is a really good question. You are right to wonder about this now, even before having children. Looking back, so many things were changing for me when the intention was made. I really had no idea what was going on and why I was withdrawing.I have many regrets about things that didn't happen. The shutting down and lack of emotional responsiveness did not live up to who I would have liked to have been. But frankly, I was living in the dark and only now have some idea of how things fit together. Having children will make you the #1 expert on how the past affects the present.

It seems like you are in a good place with your husband. Just knowing what your fears are seems like a big step. There are some really good books out there that may help, such as "Parenting from the Inside Out". I think that whatever happens, if it is approached with the attitude of learning more about oneself, things can turn out okay.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#451840 - 10/30/13 03:57 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
I don't want to have children, which is lucky since I honestly don't know how I could see them going off to school each morning after what happened to me, much less try and educate them about it.

The real irony is my parents probably gave me a better over all education in adult matters most of the kids who later became my abusers. At the age of ten I was sat down and everything was explained in detail, from medical terminology to possible slang, they did this on several occasions even going as far as finding videos of sperm, explaining to me that if I woke up in the morning with wet pajamas I had not weed myself etc. Indeed, I was so well educated I began to be isolated, since everyone else at school made what were to me stupid jokes about a subject which as far as I was concerned at eleven was purely biological, (jokes which got worse as time progressed).

Of course, my parents glossed over rape somewhat. I knew it was something bad men could do to women (or indeed other men), but what it actually involved I didn't know, much less that several girls could do it to a boy.

The really! ironic thing is some of the worst abuse (the tampon incident), happened in s/x education lessons, ---- no wonder why I'm genophobic!

so no, I'm glad I have no desire for kids. It'd probably be fine for the first ten years, but once they hit secondary school, god knows what would happen!

#451954 - 10/31/13 01:52 AM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
My husband told me something about 2 years ago that I honestly didn't pick up once. He said that on our son's 5th birthday, he sat in the bathroom and cried because he didn't think he would live to see him turn 5 - or in the very least, that he would still be in our son's life. It was one of those times (and supporters I know you have had these out of body experiences at the revelation of certain pieces of information) that I just could not connect his experience to anything I knew, saw, recognized, understood.

Children can cause anxiety in those that have not ever been traumatized. They increase the risk and exposure. I understand why some survivors are adverse. But, children can also be the biggest providers of uncomplicated, unconditional love - and we all know that love heals wink

#451982 - 10/31/13 03:12 AM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I wanted kids very bad, I had a strong belief that with my experience I could keep them safe and provide the kind of support I did not have. I had four of the most beautiful ones a father could have hoped for. I did keep safe, I was and still are there for them. I believe they helped me to over come some of my fears. I know however I put all my effort in to them and my work. Most likely a mistake in that I should have been taking better care of myself. Now that I am retired my wife is number one. But my children are number two. I thank God that I now have all of them.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#452335 - 11/03/13 05:14 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
wdmkr Offline

Registered: 06/09/13
Posts: 17
Loc: Toronto, ON
I struggle constantly with being over protective of my kids. This year in Therapy I also found out why I have never hugged them and kept my physical distance. Some where in my brain after the CAS I decided that adults shouldn't touch children ever for any reason. So I didn't. I am learning to hug them now but it's really uncomfortable and takes a lot of work. Like Pittsburgh they have also helped me to get healthier if not for me then for them. My wife and the kids are my world.

#452653 - 11/06/13 03:09 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
H freaked out a bit when we had our first......when we had another he freaked the f*ck outtttt! The anxiety of them being hurt, the nightmares of someone hurting was a lot for him.

Therapy helped that for him.

I find myself with more anxiety about those possibilities now but I manage it. I talk to them at their level about personal safety and things just to keep that line of communication open.

#452862 - 11/08/13 01:41 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
No kids yet but planning to have them some day. From my own history, one thing I know that I want to do is: I want to talk to them. I want to explain to them the traumas their parents went through so that those traumas will not go on in the next generation. The silence in my family of origin, the emotional unavailability due to my parents' traumas, the engrained taboos about being "weak" and telling when I was hurt, traumatized me long before the CSA experiences (which were outside my FOO) - and of course they made me a perfect victim, too. It was clear that I wouldn't tell. There was no one emotionally available to tell. There was no safe place. so that is my huge promise to myself: I will try everything in my power to be that safe place for my kids. To be honest and loving and NOT silent so that my kids can be the same.

#453259 - 11/11/13 09:48 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
Invictus65 Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 6
When my son hit 6th grade/11yrs old I saw the truth. All those times people told me it was not my fault and I nodded my meant nothing until I saw my little boy and realized what was done to me. I had one moment where I understood what an 11 year old boy is. Understood who I was. I was finally able to become truly angry for the first time in my life. I'll never be the same. There is a difference between those who are at fault and those who were responsible...Watch for the triggers. No moment is spared.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


#453646 - 11/14/13 08:44 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: Invictus65]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
All those times people told me it was not my fault and I nodded my meant nothing until I saw my little boy and realized what was done to me. I had one moment where I understood what an 11 year old boy is. Understood who I was. I was finally able to become truly angry for the first time in my life. I'll never be the same. There is a difference between those who are at fault and those who were responsible...Watch for the triggers. No moment is spared.

Excellent point!

#453664 - 11/14/13 11:22 PM Re: The impact of having kids. Trigger [Re: HD001]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 346
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed

I thank God that I didn't have kids before I started dealing with the past s/a, I would've been the coldest, dis-attached father known to man, maybe worse...

I had 4 years of working through the s/a under my belt before we had kids. Not that it took 4 years to be ready, I think the bulk of the healing for me was the first six months for the major breakthroughs.

My kids are the age now that I was & past when the s/a happened to me between 8-12. No problems there & like Invictus said, seeing their innocence allows you to see how it should've been for me. My kids are hugged, kissed & told they are loved everyday by both of us. We have a great relationship with them, even my brother has told me that he wished that he was one of our kids, heck I was I was one of my kids. Are we over protective? sure, you bet your ass. I do trust ones who can be trusted to watch them, they are few, but we didn't have kids for others to raise either.

We decided to homeschool after a few years of public school. Our oldest had speech issues and we didn't like how the school handled things, also a couple of kids that were his friends early on were then making fun of him. At 10 kids start noticing differences and start to pick on each other. So we pulled them out and haven't looked back, none of them want to go back, either. We belong to a very large homeschool group that weekly gets together, so plenty of socializing there, church & other family & clubs.

If anything, having kids has been the biggest blessing to our lives as a couple. We were older parents, the first one was born when we were 35, we were older, wiser & better off financially by then. More importantly, I had gotten a handle on my own issues, for the most part.
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

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