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#451653 - 10/29/13 02:47 AM Rabbit Stew (TW)
Cthulhu Offline

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 160
I tried to write this out in prose a few times. Failed. I also tried writing poetry but became discouraged when I could not create consecutive iambs. So I wrote this story in psuedo-poetic free verse. I am trying to get better with poetry so any critical advice is appreciated. Any questions or comments also appreciated.

the sun shines down on me
shirtless i walk with Him barefoot across the farm,
eight rabbits in all wait in their cage
i pick a black one, the biggest of the litter

they are domesticated

i hold it like a baby walking back to the wall of the chicken coop
blue tarp now surrounds us
i feel trepidation but also excitement

two orange pieces of twine,
the kind the hold bales of hay together,
hang from the ceiling

the rabbit is still calm
in familiar and friendly arms

He shows me he how to put its legs into the knots
i slowly and gently put each limb into the loops
quickly but gracefully the rabbit’s body falls down

it fights for a second
relaxes once i pull down on its ears
i am familiar; it calms

the knife
held in my right hand
with sudden force arcs from left to right

the severed head mouths silently for air
the rabbit does not understand
in what way it has just been betrayed

blood dapples my white chest
it washes off in the shower
and i feel clean

i feel proud that I did not fail Him;
He tells me He is impressed

the rabbit is now just meat
the meat sits in a slow cooker with herbs and vegetables.

the sun is still high
he drives me taking tight turns
that make the beer cans jingle

we laugh, reminded of the dangers of driving drunk
we crest a small hill as i open a can of budweiser for Him
the beer is sprayed throughout the cab

i quickly apologize but
He tells me not to worry
grabs my thigh and gives it a playful squeeze

my naked body jumps in the nahatlatch lake
after Him

again, He tells me he is proud.
i feel accepted,
& love

He tells me what stories He knows of the nahalatch
He talks about people who lived here before us colonizers came

i sense His wisdom
His compassion

i recognize i adore Him.
He grabs me
I am still half in the water
still naked

His mouth nestles into the crook of my neck,
i submit and giggle as He playfully bites me,
my body rushes with endorphins

i feel weak and
i still feel safe

we sit on the water's edge
drinking beer and eating hot dogs as the sun sets
i share more about my life

He knows everything now and still accepts me

He shares too
dark things and sad things
i still accept Him

i inhale deeply
the smell of the rabbit stew
the smell of a new home
even in my drunkenness i feel it

we both lie on the bed
silly and drunk
i love Him...
i love Him so much

i think about the psychotropics on the table downstairs
they never helped
He is helping
this farm away from everything is helping

we are cuddling and wrestling
His erect cock pokes at me

His knees begin to push my legs apart
i still hurt from last night
“you are too big”, i say
turning it into a compliment
so He can keep His pride

finally i give Him a playfull kiss on the lips
to show Him.
that i love Him.

He is pushing harder now
i say no again
put my hand on His chest

look Him in the eyes
show Him i’m not playing anymore

i am growing scared
my body betrays me

i feel my tailbone raising slightly
to prevent harm
and the pain that i already know

with sudden force He pushes in
His psoriasis covered cock rips me

my shoulders are now braced against the headboard
my neck bent awkwardly

i scream

He puts His hand over my mouth

i am hyperventilating
drowning in open air with each thrust

He has shrunk me down from 6’3” to 3’6”
…this all happened before

i come to and He has me pinned down
He is crying

my head is lolled to the side
i realize i am staring at the cat
staring at me
from the corner of the bed
i realize i am being held

that He is crying

i have failed Him.
i begin to console Him
hoping He will accept me

i am crying for Him now
Please be better
Please, i am sorry!
Please. it wasn’t your fault!
i tell this as much to Him as to me.

He agrees
reminding us how He usually takes His retrovirals
that i should just relax
reminding us how my tailbone raised to greet Him
that i lied to Him

He serves me a large bowl of stew
it tastes great i tell Him,
i smile

i am drunker now though.
i can’t taste the stew through,
not only the alcohol,
but also now ativan & weed

i still feel the pain though…
as blood begins to dapple my white underwear.

it wouldn’t wash off.

I have started to realize that this poem is actually something really important to me and is a large part of "my story". So instead of my doubting intro I will give it some context. I was sexually abused in adolescence in what was an escape from a neglectful home. I had money dropped off but that was it really.

Earlier this year, for a few reasons, my mental health started to nose dive and culminated in a brief episode in a psych ward.

I had met the guy describe above before any of this drama. We actually had sex one morning maybe a year ago, sex that I didn't have a panic attack with(hadn't happened in over a year). He kept inviting me up to his place that was a few hours away, but I was too nervous to go. After my psych ward visit while my world was collapsing he invited me again and I leaped on the chance. Our relationship started maybe 5-6 months ago and I finally cut ties about a month ago. I also finally got cleared to be HIV negative from doctor who superscribed me post-exposure retrovirals smile

Edited by Cthulhu (01/04/14 01:38 AM)
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

#451662 - 10/29/13 04:13 AM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
This is poetry.
It is among the very beast written here
because it epitomizes the very essence of one's story ...
the conveyance of raw emotion made ever more poignant
by it's honest sincerity.
You are a poet my brave friend.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#451674 - 10/29/13 06:36 AM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
ghostlights Offline

Registered: 11/22/11
Posts: 26
Loc: Upstate NY
Wow. Gotta agree with Shy on this one. Beautiful and heartbreaking. My advice is if you find it helpful please keep writing and sharing with us.

#451675 - 10/29/13 07:39 AM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
...and I couldn't agree with you more ghost ...
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#451747 - 10/29/13 11:57 PM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
Cthulhu Offline

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 160
Thank you both for your replies.

I think writing it was a good experience. I hadn't vocalized that experience before yesterday in Therapy. My T told me the previous session that he thought it would be good to tell that story, so I spent the better part of the previous week picking apart those events. Vocalizing and then writing that out was a release. I feel less burdened. I don't feel any panic when I think about those events right now. Events which a few months previous would visit me as flashbacks.

I also feel I actually quite heavily identify with the poem (I don't want to say "like"). I wasn't sure last night and spent a few hours re-reading what I just wrote.
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

#452570 - 11/05/13 08:05 PM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Remarkable voice!

The thread of making yourself please him, despite yourself and your own real and emotional pain. It's something every survivor can relate to. We subjugate ourselves cuz that's what we had to do.

I so look forward to the poem where your spirit and your heart smile without a cost to your partner, your body or your little boy. It is ok to feel the fear of being vulnerable, that melts when the response from him is caring, caressing and love.

Keep writing
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#452581 - 11/05/13 10:09 PM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
I connect with your poem at a very deep level Vote. Thank You. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#452624 - 11/06/13 04:23 AM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
bluesky Offline

Registered: 08/05/13
Posts: 670
Loc: NJ
Hi Votecthulhu
Your story your pain is heard lowed and clear you are very brave to share. Your poetry is great and maybe you can tweak mine.
With an open heart with healing and compassion.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

#461292 - 02/22/14 09:14 PM Re: Rabbit Stew (TW) [Re: Cthulhu]
ScottSmith Offline

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 27
Loc: CA desert
Visually i was there
For me great writing is being able to feel as if i am going thru this too.
You have a way with few words to paint so much
Please continue, i think you have so much to expunge and share
so much more to explore

you killed the rabbit
He killed the rabbit in you
rabbit blood on your underwear?
represents our crazy cycle of our lives
the remorse, the guilt, the pleasure, the joy, the pain, the shame.

I know you have touched my heart
so for me to feel a feeling: is a good thing.
i hope you continue your writings
this will help you and others
i know it has helped me
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone


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