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#45149 - 08/08/02 09:28 AM afraid to say hello
Roy Offline

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
So its time I introduced myself. I found this site and joined up a few days ago and have gotten a whole lot out of reading everybody's posts and exchanging emails with a few of you. Part of me just wants to sit on the sidelines and observe, like I usually do, so as not to risk rejection, judgement, having my shame exposed, etc. For the first time I feel like I am "home" with a group of men. I really need you guys. I will contribute to the best of my ability.
My biggest fear is that you will reject me because I am gay. I do not want to be defined by my sexual orientation, there is much more to me than that. I don't want to make any of the straight guys uncomfortable because they might think all or most gay men are abusers or perpetrators. I am tired of seeking out only gay men for whatever reason. I identify more strongly with the larger male community than I do with the gay community.
Seven years ago I was working as a medical social services intern at a large hospital in southern California providing counseling to patients and their families, mostly to those who were terminally ill or who had suffered a trauma. I had two end stage AIDS patients on my caseload who were in awful shape and really suffering. This was just before the advent of protease inhibitors, the class of drugs which has made such a radical difference in the treatment of the disease. Around that time I hooked up with some dude for some recreational sex. We were getting along fine, actually having a great time until he wanted to fuck me. Neither one of us had condoms and I refused because of the risk of HIV transmission. He was getting pushy about it and I stopped and explained my reasons why I was reluctant, describing in detail what my two patients were going through. I should have gotten up and left right then and there but I thought he understood and I did not want to wreck what was up until then a lot of fun. We were taking a break and then all of a sudden he was on top of me, pinned me down, and raped me. It was very painful and was over pretty fast. At that moment my entire world turned upside down. It took me three years to be tested for HIV because I thought he had deliberately infected me, which really does happen to people. It felt like he had stolen my soul and reduced me to being a meaningless thing like a piece of trash on the floor.
I had never before felt vulnerable or afraid as a man. I am a strong tall masculine guy that people don't generally mess with and I never thought such a thing could ever happen to me. I had always been very sexually confident, self assured, with forward momentum in my life and this fucker took all that away from me. I have spent the last seven years putting myself back together again and I am so very tired. I want my life back. Of course there is a lot more detail I could go into, but I have already rambled on too much probably. I had to leave grad school, became extremely depressed and suicidal, eventually got addicted to crystal meth, lost friends, etc. Am in recovery now, clean and sober almost 1 year and need the support of other men who have been through similar experiences. Since I stopped drugs I have been having "shadowy" memories of childhood sexual abuse by an uncle I think occurred around ages 6 - 7, but no specific recall yet. I admire you all and your courage so much! I hope I have a tenth of what you have.
Trust is a really difficult thing for me, as I suspect it is for most of "us", and I feel like I have just taken a huge risk by sharing myself like this. I am finally learning to ask for help. I have always been the helper, it is so scary to admit that I need help, too. I never open up like this, at least to men. Anyway, blah blah blah, I don't know whether I'm coming or going, so I hope its ok if I hang out here for awhile. Thank you so much for sharing yourselves and for listening to me. I will gladly do whatever I can for any of you.

#45150 - 08/08/02 01:32 PM Re: afraid to say hello
Spider-man Offline

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
Roy, welcome.

I don't see someone being gay as a problem. We're all here because of a common, ugly bond. Speaking as someone who has yet to clear the detritus regarding sexuality (slowly working through it), and as such, someone who could be on the hetero side of the fence, or a fence sitter (with the amazing ability to jump down onto either side of the fence on occasion). Don't know yet.
We're here to explore, to learn and that entails having an open mind. So no, I don't think you'll run into that here.

I am very sorry to hear about what happened to you (as I am by the events that brought us all here), but glad you found this place.

#45151 - 08/08/02 04:39 PM Re: afraid to say hello
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm glad you found us, although I'm equally sorry you needed to find us.
Stay with us, I guess you've seen the Gay Survivors Forum ? But don't be a stranger here.
I've never seen any of the prejudices about perp's / gay raised here, and I doubt we ever will. The guys that use this place have already come some distance just to get here, and we know that such talk is just misguided, offensive crap !
I admire you all and your courage so much! I hope I have a tenth of what you have.
You're definatly way above one-tenth already, and thanks for the kind words.

Lloydy \:\)

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#45152 - 08/08/02 05:17 PM Re: afraid to say hello
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

I am glad your here, welcome, sorry you had to pay the prive of admission to belong to our little club here, but hey, since you already paid for your ticket you might as well c'mon in and enjoy the show.

This is a really good place, lots of great people here.

I appreciate your fears, i dont think they will be realized here, this is a pretty accepting place.

Hugs to ya,


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#45153 - 08/08/02 07:23 PM Re: afraid to say hello
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Welcome!! Sorry to hear what has happened to you. Your sexual identity is not a problem here. As a straight man who was abused as a child by a male, hetrosexual pedophile, I know the difference between a gay man and a child abuser. I think everyone here does.

I wish neither of us needed to take the journey to healing but I welcome your company.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#45154 - 08/08/02 10:48 PM Re: afraid to say hello
Eddie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
If you are sure that you are Gay ..then good for you!!!! Like the man said ...fence setters...Ungay acting it out in some of the strangest ways...if you know that you are Gay then you are 50% there!
I was the dip-shit who told my supervisor the truth about why I needed to use 3 weeks of sick leave..had to go to a hospital to learn to control 100's of flashbacks about being raped around 12yo!...He told everyone...they all automaticly decided that I was a Gay Prep and stayed at least 6' away from me..wrote things on the floors and walls about me sucking cock etc.....FOR TWO YEARS !!! I would be the last person to abuse anyone for being Gay...I know how it feels! ...I think that it sucks big-time!!!!
Welcome to the can help us by doing some posting...we need a lot more talk!


#45155 - 08/08/02 11:17 PM Re: afraid to say hello
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
Welcom Roy,

Your in a good place, I dont think anyone here will judge you for being gay.
I think most if not all of us in here, have had some sexuality issues/confusion of one sort or another. I know I certainly have and I'm a married 33 yr old father of 2.
I can relate to Eddie, I recently was stupid enough to disclose to a cousin of mine who was going through a tough time with drug addiction and depression. I told him I understood how difficult depression could be and that I had been abused and molested by my stepdad for many years and was dealing with depression too. This bastard used it as ammunition against me and told most of our family members that I was probably gay becouse of what had happened. I was really furious for a while but now I realize he is a total jerk and I dont really care what he thinks or anyone else for that matter.
This is a big step for me becouse I used to think that if anyone ever found out I would DIE!! but now I say fuck it, I am who I am and If they dont care to understand, screw them. I know im a good person and would never be so cruel as to exploit someones weaknesses or problems for the pleasure of being an asshole.
Anyway Im glad your here Roy welcome buddy,

#45156 - 08/09/02 12:17 AM Re: afraid to say hello
jackjohn Offline

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 23
Loc: Fallston, MD

Welcome. Gay shmay, I'm sure no one here cares one way or the other. In fact I believe most pedophiles are hetrosexual. So be proud of who you are. We are all men trying to make sense of the horrible evil acts forced upon us. I welcome your input and look forward to your opinions.

Be well,



#45157 - 08/09/02 01:29 AM Re: afraid to say hello

Welcome Roy!

I am glad you are here my friend. Yes, we have all been through some tough times, but we were fortunate enough to have survived. And, we owe it to ourselves to make the most of this life. Hope to read your posts often. Sincerely,

rafael \:\)

#45158 - 08/09/02 04:13 AM Re: afraid to say hello
orodo Offline

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Welcome. Stop by the chat room when you are ready. It's a good, safe place.

It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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